Thursday, August 30, 2012

Ask Aunt Foley: Cat Infestation

Dear Aunt Foley:  I have had a recent infestation of cat in my house and yard.  The infestation spread from a neighboring home  The spreading began when for some inexplicable reason my Mom called the cat over to our house.  I do not know why my Mommy would do this.  She does not leave out plates of rotted food to attract rats or leave crumbs on the counter to attract cockroaches.  But she does not see this cat for what it is, an infestation that needs to be removed before it takes over the entire house.  I have tried all the accepted methods.  I give him an evil look and he just stares at me.  My sibling gave him a hearty bark no avail.  All remedies known to dogs have failed.  Can you help me?
A Ginger in Revolt

Dear Ginger:  As is often the case in infestation cases the problem is not with the infestation but with the actions of the homeowner.  Like someone with a vermin infestation who does not clean their house, your Mommy does not take steps to keep her house from being infested by cats.  Tell her that there are two important defensive steps a Mom can take to keep her house kitty free.  Firs is, under no circumstance, to either adopt or buy a cat.  Your Mom is doing a good job with this one.  The second is not to invite a cat into the yard.  She is failing on this step.  The other day Pocket and I were in our yard supervising our parents’ yard work when a kitty ran right across our yard not once but twice!  While Pocket and I barked at it like you and your sibling did, the difference was neither Mommy or Daddy paid the cat any never mind and it kept going right out of our yard.  So tell your Mommy unless she wants a kitty infestation she better stop inviting them (and vampires but that’s a whole different story) into her home.  Because once you got them you can’t get rid of them.

Dear Aunt Foley:  I live in Louisiana and we don’t have any dog parks here.  I would really like one but my Mom isn’t sure if she would take me to one if we had one.  How do I get a dog park and get my Mom to go.?
An Alpha in Need.

Dear Alpha:  What is a dog park but a place where dogs gather?  If Louisiana will not give you dog park than you should form one on your own.  This is my suggestion to you.  I am sure you go for walks and when you do you urinate.  Well us dogs, being an advanced species don’t just pee, we leave messages in our pee.  Then, when another dog comes along, it smells our pee and gets our message.  It is commonly referred to as tree mail.  When you pee out your tree mail set a date, a time, and a place to meet.  On that day, while you are walking, pull your human to that place.  When you get there you should find dozens of other dogs there.  Keep doing that everyday and soon your humans will decide that, since you are all meeting there anyway, they might as well fence it in, let you run loose and everyone can enjoy themselves.  So start peeing and soon you will be playing.

Dear Aunt Foley:  The other day I went with my human brother to help cut the lawn at our Granddad’s house.  I made sure he did all the mowing correctly.  Then when he was done I went and fertilized it for him.  And he got all upset with me.  Why do humans get mad when they mow a lawn and then you take a dump on it?
Confused Cocoa Puff.

Dear Cocoa Puff:  Oh that is one of the least likeable traits about humans.  When they do something they not only think that it’s perfect but they think it is going to stay perfect forever.  It’s the same thing if they washed the floor and then you walk on it with muddy paw prints and they are like ‘Hey I just washed that!”  Well what difference does it make?  You’re going to have to clean it anyway.  But it wasn’t like your human brother had to mow the lawn again.  And there is no better time to fertilize than when the grass is short.  Plus it is much better to vick on a freshly mowed lawn.  When you squat over it it tickles your butt  Tall grass, especially when wet, is no good.  And, if you had taken a vick on a mowed lawn or unmowed lawn he still would have had to clean it.  So just chalk it up to one of those strange mysteries about humans we will never understand and forgive him.  Hopefully he will learn better when he gets older.

Dear Aunt Foley:  Humans often ask each other the question boxers or briefs?
For us dogs the question is halter or collar.  I have always been a collar dog myself but when I went shopping with Mommy recently she started trying harnesses on me.
I was really annoyed but she wouldn’t stop doing it and since we were in the store I couldn’t raise a fuss without getting in trouble and thrown out of my biggest source for kibble.  Finally Mommy picked out a harness and put it on me.  While it is very handsome and makes me even more stunning than I was before I just can’t get used to it.  I am used to going bareback and not having my tummy strapped in.  Frankly this thing is driving me crazy.  Mom says she got it for me because I am going on a fishing trip in Wisconsin, can’t go off leash, and I cough when I am wearing the collar, which is true.  What do you think, should I wear the halter?
Befuddled Boris

Dear Befuddled Boris:  Like you I was a collar dog for years.  But also like you it led to me pulling and then coughing.  But whenever Mom put a harness on me I bucked or refused to move.  But then they found these nice soft harnesses and I have really taken to it (although the sound of velcro being ripped open below me still scares me because it sounds like someone ripping my guts out.)  I have seen a picture of your harness and it looks like a perfect nice one.  My advice is to wear it and soon it will feel natural to you and you will enjoy not being choked when you walk.  So harness up.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

On August 26, 2012 (National Dog Day) we celebrate Social Networking Dogs as Our Pups of the Week

Last night I learned that today was going to be National Dog Day.  I had no idea such a day existed, and I’m a dog.  My reaction was hop skippity about darn time.  I prepared myself for breakfast in bed, a day of presents, a cake, and greeting cards I could put on the mantle in the leopard skin vagina kitty condo.

I got none of that.  In fact I even had to work today.  Pocket and I were put in the Monster Buggy and supervised as the lawn was mowed and the garden was weeded.  But I guess National Dog Day isn’t about presents, cards, breakfast in bed or cake.  (Although it would have been nice and not required much effort.)  It’s about celebrating all of us, and recognizing that we are on this Earth to comfort our chosen parents, to make them laugh, smile, and to feel like they are the most important person in the world.

There have been other excellent blogs today (paws up to Crystal and her young Mom on National Dog Day and I don’t want to repeat them.)  They concentrate on the million of wonderful things we do (in fact a million is just scratching the surface, we have things we can do we haven’t even used yet.  I will give you a hint, if there is ever an alien invasion, follow our lead and you’ll be safe.

Today I would like to write about something you won’t hear many bloggers says about National Dog Day:  Dogs have inspired the best social network sites on the Internet.

So many of us talk fondly of the old days of DS.  It is easy to look back on something and think it was better than it is today.  But for those who started on DS when some little guy in Virginia had a million dollar idea (although it never turned into a big moneymaker) for a social network site for dogs.  I first learned about it when I read a blog.

The blog wrote how silly it was that there was now a social network site for dogs!  Thankfully they provided a link.  We signed up right away.  Even though many geniuses have created thousands of sites it is the people who frequent these sites that make them special.  So take that Zuckerberg!

In those early days of DS no one really knew what the site was about.  Would it be from the parents’ point of view or the dogs?  We quickly learned that everything would be written from our point of view.  And that’s what made it wonderful.  Because people who all those silly stressful problems:  Work, money, kids, love, blah, blah, blah.

But, unless we were sick, our lives are simple and reading about them from our point of view brought as much joy as a puppy smile.  A good walk, a new toy, vermin in the yard, a car ride, these little stories made humans happy when they got home from their hard days work.

Unfortunately human problems kept creeping on to the site and some good dogs left, and off  shoot groups popped up.  Also hundreds of independent blogs appeared all with different perspectives and from all ends of the Earth.  On Facebook groups like  Doggyspace Moms, Doggyspace Group, Baron’s Buddies, and others the tradition and the friendship of the early days of DS carried on.

And us dogs have benefited from these groups.  We all eat better, are healthier, thanks to wonderfully generous pups and parents we have better toys, we are aware of food recalls, are aware of what illnesses to be aware of and how to cope with them.  If one of us is sick there are dozens of opinions to steer parents in the right way.  Since the creation of Doggyspace and the offshoot sites those dogs involved have never had a better life.

And behind all of this is us dogs.  The inspiration for it all.  Dogs so special that their parents want to write about them, post pictures about them, and be inspired by them.  And parents so wonderful that they want to make sure each dog is loved and receive the same care as the dogs they love.

And the poor pup who inspired this day, those that are locked in cages waiting for their forever homes, have benefited too, from all the wonderful adopted parents who have taught others of the joys of adoption.

So this is for us guys and lollipops, line up and take a bow my friends, it is our day.  And to our parents thank you for sharing our lives with so many wonderful people.  Also, on next year’s National Dog Day breakfast in bed would be nice.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

To Combat DogShaming Foley Presents Human Shaming

As many of you know some human bereft of a sense of humor began a Dog Shame site where they make us pose for pictures next to a photo of something we have done wrong.
Here is an example featuring our friend Lou ee
The quip is written by his Mom to make fun of the fact that Lou ee, like Brody, eats everything in site.  Well, humans, Pocket and I have armed our bird friends with camera and have taken pictures of what our pup parents have done.

Let’s start with my Mom”
I was not able to put those little signs next to our subjects so the best I can do is put my own text below the pictures: “Sometimes I doze off and let my breasts drive.”

Sophie’s, Angel Molly’s and Angel Daisy’s Mom:  “I tried out for the road of Woody in Toy Story the Musical and thought the script said ‘I have a snake in my booty.’”

Hobo Hudson’s Dad:  “I thought I had tapped an oil well but was shocked to discover it was a different type of bubbling crude.”


Chelsea’s and Ashton’s Mom:  “I only shower when thunderstorms come rolling through then remove clothes from the clothesline to cover up.”

Leo’s Dad:  “Before I take Leo for a walk I like to align my balls.”

Shiloh’s (from Washington) Mom “I will do anything for a Big Mac.”


Romey’s Parents:  “Even though we aren’t married yet we still get frisky.”

Brody’s Mom:  “Each morning I spend a half hour trying to put my head up my own ass.”

Hattie Mae’s parents:  “I hurt my wrist playing Twister on ice with my Elvis.”  

Rock’s Dad:  “I have all my furniture within six inches of each other so if I pass out on one I can land softly in the next.”

Lou ee’s Mom:  “I work out.”

Angel Sierra’s, Tiger’s and Nase’s Mom:  “I am riding my bike because I broke my horsie.”

Chappy’s. Whiskey’s and Blue’s Mom:  “I put myself through school shoving weenies in my mouth.”

Sandy’s, Nikii’s, Bear’s and Maggie’s Mom:  “I don’t respect society’s views of PDA.”

Tasha’s and Tiara’s Mom:  ‘To relax I put out a spread of bacon for my girls and let them go to town.”

Mrs Sophie Bub’s, Koda’s, Wills’ and Josie’s Mom:  “My butt killed Kenny.”

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Pocket Goes on the Maury Pupvich Show to Find out Whose her Daddy

Like all pup siblings Pocket and I are sisters from another father.  I know who my pup parents are, two Yorkies who got it on behind a barn in upstate Massachusetts.  I was conceived in the exact same fashion that Elizabeth Warren was.  But Pocket was conceived in a house of confusion.

The human pup breeder where Pocket was found was taking care of her ill husband at the time of Pocket’s conception.  She had a doggie door to go outside and do her business.  The breeder Mom, busy with her husband, did not supervise the lollipop doing her business.  At one of these business sessions she did more business than just business.

Since that day the identity of Pocket’s Pa has been a mystery.  To help her I signed her up for the Maury Pupvich show, a special edition called “Who’s Your Daddy, Bitch.”  Pocket was reluctant to go on the show but I told her she would be thank me later.

This is what happened:  

Maury Pupvich:  Welcome to the Maury Pupvich show Special Who’s Your Daddy Bitch edition.  Let me bring out our guest Pocket Dog.  

*Pocket comes out and climbs into a chair next to the host.*  

Maury Pupvich:  Are you excited to find out who your Daddy is Pocket?

Pocket:  Not really.  My sister needs to write a blog and was out of ideas so she set the whole thing up.

Maury Pupvich:  Well we are just as excited as you are.  Now let’s bring out your birth Mom.

*An older female Yorkie with Pocket’s coloring comes out.  After several attempts she jumps into the chair.*

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket do you recognize your Mom?

Pocket:  Well not at first but when she jumped I got a good look at her teats and said “Momma.”

*Pocket and her Mom licked one another as the audience pawed and howled.*

Pocket’s Mother:  Pocket I have read so much about you and I am so proud of you.  Are you housebroken yet?


*Pocket blushed.*

Pocket:  Did you bring my father;?

Maury Pupvich:  That is why we are here Pocket.  We have four male pups who had relations with your Mom before she became impregnated with your litter.  Now who wants to meet the Dads?

*The audience howls*

Maury Pupvich:  We have taken DNA from the following four dogs and, at the end of the show, we will reveal which one of these dogs is Pocket’s Dad.  Now let’s bring out the first possible father.  He is a well known weed eater, a popular howler, and has been known to have a way with the ladies, it’s Snoop The Dog.”

*A Yorkie with dark fur and big ears came out slowly and jumped on the chair*

Maury Pupvich:  Snoop, do you recognize Pocket’s mother?

Snoop:  “Yo, you know, she’s a fine lady a all but you know I ain’t one much for leashes and collars, I just travel where the scent takes me, and I’m not so good at remembering faces.  You know I’m freaky but doing it face to face?  I’m not big on doing it human style.  But she’s got a nice rump end so I could see myself tapping that you know?

Maury Pupvich:  Were you wearing protection?

Snoop:  Well I think I had on Frontline but outside of that, I don’t wear no protection, no shock collar, no muzzle, I just like it natural you understand?

Maury Pupvich:  And if you are proven to be Pocket’s father are you willing to support her?

Snoop: Well you know, I might take her out to chew some grass, look up at the sky, but I’m not sharing no kibble here.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket do you have anything to ask?

Pocket:  Would you take me to the park and play ball with me?

Snoop:  I might chew some weed while you did ya know, maybe hook up with some new booty.  You don’t have any weed do you?

Pocket:  No I don’t.

Snoop:  It’d be a lot cooler if you did.

Maury Pupvich:  Now let’s bring out our second potential Dad.  He was found on the Jersey Shore and is named The Suppository.  

The Suppository:  Hey, how you doing?

Maury Pupvich:  This is Pocket’s mother, do you recognize her?

The Suppository:  Hey, you know I get a lot of tail, what can I say?

Pocket’s Mom:  You hopped a fence and seduced me with a meatball and your garlicy breath.  I couldn’t resist.

The Suppository: Hey I don’t know nothing about that you know.  Maybe I was there maybe I wasn’t.  I don’t keep a record you know what I mean?  You know it’s about GTL for me:  Greenies, T Bones and Licking.

Maury Pupvich:  Are you willing to accept your fatherly duties if you are Pocket’s father?

The Suppository:  Fatherly duties?  Hey I don’t know, you know what my father’s duties was?  I bark something out of line he goes badabing upside my muzzle.  You know?  Forget about it.

Maury Pupvich:  Let’s bring out our third candidate.  He is a well known Yorkie Lothario, Don Juan DeYorkie.

*A very handsome Yorkie came out, bowing to the crowd, and hopped up on the couch.*

Maury Pupvich:  Don Juan, do you remember Pocket’s Mom?

Don Juan:  Oh of course I remember her.  I remember her squatting in the moonlight looking like Mona Lisa taking a whizz.  From that moment I knew there was amore between us.  I mounted and did the sexy time to her many, many times.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket’s Mom do your remember Don Juan?

Pocket’s Mom:  Oh yes, yes I do, are we going to go to a commercial break soon?  Maybe Don Juan would meet me behind the couch.

Pocket:  Mom!  You’re embarrassing me!

Don Juan:  Oh Pocket amore is nothing to be ashamed of.  It is the most beautiful thing a dog can do.  That’s why the humans call it mounting.  They mount their possession on the wall.  I take a little hair from the tail to have a possession of what I mount.

Maury Pupvich:  Is it possible that you are Pocket’s Dad?

Don Juan:  Oh of course, I have fathered a Disney movie worth of babies, all so beautiful it’s like have a Picasso come out of your vagina.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket, out of these three dogs which one would you want to be your Daddy?

Pocket:  I don’t need any of these dogs.  I have a Daddy.  He’s home and he plays ball with me and let’s me lick his face.

Maury Pupvich:  That’s great, I was rooting for Don Juan too.  But you have not met the final dog, Whit Trash.

*A Yorkie staggered out, needing a grooming, and smelling poorly.*

Don Juan:  I do say, someone should open a window.

*Whit didn’t try to jump up on the couch, he lay on his side on the floor*

Maury Pupvich:  Whit, do you recognize Pocket’s Mom?

*He looked up lazily.*

Whit:  I ain’t never seen her before, I wasn’t there that night, I was at the pool hall, I’ve been fixed.

Maury Popvich:  Pocket’s Mom do you recognize Whit?


Pocket’s Mom:  Yes I do.

Maury Popvich:  And did you have relations with him?

Pocket’s Mom:  Well, one night I got loose, and he was in the woods behind our house with some smooch hooch and I guess I had a couple.  I don’t really remember what happened but yes we had relations.

Pocket:  Oh Mom, gross!

Pocket’s Mom:  Don’t judge me girl.  You don’t know what it’s like walking around with hot ovaries.

Whit Trash:  *Belch*  That wasn’t me.  I haven’t made no babies.  I was working in the junkyard that night.  The kid don’t even look like me.

Maury Pupvich:  Pocket how would you feel if Whit was your Dad?

Pocket:  I would start playing ball in the street.

Maury Pupvich:  Well, I don’t want to keep you waiting I do have the results of the DNA tests, and I can tell you that Whit, you are not the father.

Whit:  Thank Dog!

Maury Pupvich:  And Don Juan you are not the father.

Don Juan:  Oh so sad, I am a magnificent breed.

Maury Pupvich:  And The Suppository you are not the father.

The Suppository:  Yo, I told you, no way.

Maury Pupvich:  And Snoop *long pause* you are not Pocket’s father either.

*The crowd howls.*

Maury Pupvich:  And Pocket’s Mom, you’re a hound ho.  But don’t worry Pocket, we will still be looking for your Dad.

Pocket:  I don’t want to look for my Dad anymore.  I have a Dad, he’s round, he’s slow, and he’s lazy but he loves me, plays ball with me, walks me and snuggles with me.  I don’t need to know who donated the spam to my Mom to make a litter.  I know who Daddy is through love.

Maury Pupvich:  That’s beautiful Pocket but it makes a sucky show.  Now, before we go, I would like to give Don Juan, Snoop, The Suppository, and Whit their gift for being on our show, it’s Bob Barker in a mobile neutering truck.

*All four male dogs begin barking and running, trying to escape but they are all wrangled and taken to the truck.*









Sunday, August 19, 2012

Angel Mollie, Angel Daisy, and Sophie are our August 19, 2012 Pups of the Week

I am certified in helping dogs with their problems.  But I also like to try and guide Moms who have lost their pups.  Any Mom who devotes so much time to being secretaries to their dogs certainly must love their pups.  When they lose a dog I encourage them to go out and find a new one as soon as they can.

What we dogs need is loving Moms and there aren’t enough out there.  The worst thing is when a great, loving dog warrior Mom is too broken hearted to think about bringing home another dog.  I recall Morgan the Miracle Maltese’s Mom being that broken hearted.    But up on the Bridge Morgan was not going to let that be.

He made sure that he put Jackson and his Mom together and now they are the loves of one another’s life.  There are dozens of other examples of dogs at the Bridge helping their Mom find a new pup of their life.  I am pretty certain that my sister Copper, when she went to the Bridge, helped Mommy find Pocket.

So it’s not full proof system, but, for whatever reason, Mommy does love Pocket (I just don’t see it.)

I know how broken hearted Mollie’s Mom Cindy was when Mollie went to the Bridge at a young age and four years after Daisy went, which is nothing in human years.  Aunt Cindy was too broken hearted when she lost Mollie to think of another dog.  But I was in contact with Mollie and Daisy at the Bridge and we all agreed that Aunt Cindy needed a new dog.  While I couldn’t do anything from here in Massachusetts I knew they could take care of everything from their spot at the Bridge.

I am going to let you loyal readers know the secret of how pups at the Bridge help their Mom find new dogs.  First Mollie and Daisy slipped into their Mom’s dreams and sweetly whispered to her that it was time to get a new dog.  Then they went back to the Bridge and started to look over the millions of available dogs in the world to find the right one for their Mom.  When the other dogs at the Bridge learned the same they eagerly jumped in to help.

The network to find a Mom a dog at the Bridge is the same as it is for the Earth bound humans.  Dogs started to bark to one another searching for a sweet cocker spaniel.
When one was found Mollie and Daisy floated down to check it out and decide if the pup was right for their Mom.  They finally found an eight week old in nearby Williamsburgh Virginia.

When the puppy was asleep Mollie and Daisy slipped into her dreams.  They told her what their Mom looked like and when she saw her to act like this was the Mom she wanted her whole life.  Then they slipped into their Mom’s dreams and told her to look for a black cocker spaniel in Williamsburg Virginia.  That morning Aunt Cindy awoke with an undefined urge to look for a cocker spaniel in Williamsburg.

She looked in the paper and found a Cocker Spaniel there.  She took Molly’s and Daisy’s Dad with her.  The little black Cocker did as told, going to Aunt Cindy and letting her know that she had picked her out as her Mom.  But there was an unforeseen problem.  Their Daddy had wanted the pup’s brother.

Angel Mollie smacked herself in the head with her paw.  They had never gone to her Daddy in a dream.  And if she had tried it is so hard to squeeze in between the cars, young girls, grilled short ribs, and football.  But Angel Daisy told her not to worry.  She knew her Mom could handle the situation.  And she did so convincing her husband that the girl was the one they belonged with.

Sophie was brought home and she settled into the sun room.  And now we have a new friend.  So thank you Angel Daisy and Angel Molly for bringing up Sophie.  We will teach her all she needs to know.And we will watch over your Mom too.

And the two of you will always be in our thoughts as we watch little Sophie grow.