One of the conversations Foley and I had while I was applying to become a member of the Monster pack and take her place on her Mommy’s bed was about ovaries. She told me that she had always felt bad about her forlorn ovaries. Let me tell you something sister: Forlorn ovaries? Forget about it. More like ovaries.....What are they good for?
See I didn’t have mine cut out when I was a baby. My birth Mom thought I was perfect, and wanted me to have a litter. All this seemed fine by me. She was a good Mommy and I wanted to pay her back. One day I was just an innocent little girl playing with my toys and the next day I felt like a Kardashian at an NBA all star game. Momma had to have some.
I packed my bag ready to go down to the pier to wait for the pup Navy to come in when Mommy told me no, she had arranged for someone to come in a be my good time boy. What was this? The Russian Royal Family? But then she told me he was some kind of stud. Stud? Hmmmm. This could be a good time after all.
I was standing in the living room one night watching OWN when I felt these two paws on my spine. I yelled “hey, get off my back!” A deep throated dog told me he was my stud. I said if he was taking my temperature he put it in the wrong place. Then bam, it was over, leaving me quite unsatisfied. When I asked if he could help me finish he told me he was a stud and had other lolipops to pop. So human girls, if a guy tells you he is going to do it doggy style it means 35 seconds of contact and then you’re trying to do something unnatural with a kong in search of satisfaction.
Then bam, there I was, living in Florida, young, single and pregnant, the Government’s worst nightmare. Two months later I know I’m about to pop and planning on a nice natural childbirth when Mommy tells me that Griffon birth is very dangerous and I am going to have to have an operation. Oh man, this was a big commitment for 35 seconds of whoopy.
I wake up and I got some little pups sucking the life out of my through my teets. Please don’t misunderstand me, all us pup mother’s love our young ones like you human mothers love yours, but you all want your kids to move out of the house somewhere between 18 and 30 years, and we want them off our teets and out the door in ten weeks, tops.
After that I was all too glad to give up the ovaries. I do miss my children but do you think one of them could send me a card for Mother’s Day? Is this too much to ask? A text? Would a text kill them? Being a mother is a thankless job.
Anyway, my Mommy told me that she would find me a new home after my operation, but after seeing the “stud” she lined up for me I decided to take matters into my own hands and lined up an interview with Foley Monster. I may have lied a couple of times. I told her I was one when actually I will be one at the end of the month. And I told her I didn’t poo in my crate. Well, when you are put in your crate and then a few hours later your Mom comes home and there is poo in the crate it is hard to blame it on “sum other dawg.”
And that is how I became a member of the Monster Pack. I am very happy here. My teets are diminishing so I am no longer walking around like Joan Rivers trying to do a pushup. Now that I have told you about my past I will soon be catching you up on my future. I plan to be here a long time so get used to my song. Now that the overture is over it can begin.