Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:  I am positive that Mom has lost her mind...HELP!!!!  She bought a 12" tall glow in the dark squirrel!!! She says it lights up the stairs for when she comes home after dark! I think it is terrifying...who in the world wants to bump into a foot tall squirrel?!!!! I hid under my blankie that Jeanne (Prince's Mommy) made me!!!  Ohhhhhh boy...make it go away!!!!!   Shivering Golden Boy....Enzo

Dear Shivering Golden Boy Enzo:  I don’t believe it is you I should be addressing.  Please bark loudly so your  Mom comes over to the computer.  Is she there?   Thank you.

Hello Mrs.Enzo’s Mom.  Usually I answer questions but I have one for you.  Are you freaking crazy?  Don’t you know that squirrels are the mortal enemy of dogs, and that we live every day in fear that they are going to rise up, combine their nuts, and build a giant 12” tall glow in the dark squirrel to exact their revenge?

And not only have they done it, but you put it in your yard?  To light up the stairs?  A Grizzly Bear with a lighter would have been a better choice.  I don’t mean to get personal but I think you have been sucking in too much train diesel while giving choo-choo tours of Enzo’s Mountain.  Some day you are going to come home and that giant glow in the dark squirrel is going to be dragging your house down the mountain.

Do you have access to a back hoe?  Because if you think you are just bringing that voodoo back to where you got it and getting your money back forget about it.  First of all whatever side of the road gypsy you bought it from is halfway back to the New Mexico desert right now to buy peyote with the money and search for Aaron Paul.  And second, even if you did track her down sleeping under an abandoned RV to escape the desert sun, and gave her the squirrel back, it would be right back in front of your house when you got home because it is bad voodoo.  The only thing you can do is get a backhoe, dig sixty feet down into the bowels of Enzo mountain, bury that thing under ten feet of cement and a 16 square foot surface  three feet deep over the hole, and then pray to God the glow in the dark squirrel doesn’t find it’s way back to your steps.

And as for you Enzo, keep sucking the binky baby, it will be alright.

Pocket's Assembles a World Cup Team

I was snoozing on Mommy’s lap.  The TV was on and, as usual I was ignoring it unless Tyrion Lannister is on.  I like watching little people outsmart everyone else.  But then I heard the man say soccer.  When we lived at the condo kids used to leave soccer balls in the middle of the complex where Foley and I walked.  Daddy would kick the ball and I would run after it,  hop on top of it and roll over with it.  I loved playing soccer.  But then we moved here to the Village of the Pruned and you don’t want to jump on any low lying balls left here.

But I never lost my desire to for soccer and this seemed like a golden opportunity.  That night I waited for everyone to fall asleep, jumped out of bed, entered the front bedroom and snuck into Foley’s Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo.  I went down to the library and, in an old file cabinet, I found the codes that Foley used to upload herself through the series of tubes that make the Internet.

Then I jumped back on the bed.  I waited until morning to tell River my plan.  She sleeps on the upper part of the bed near Mommy’s head and gets very snappish if I approached, and any snapping might tip Mommy off to my plan.

The next day when Mommy and Daddy went shopping I convinced River to use her skills picked up on the mean streets of mid-Florida to help us escape.  I told her that we were going to play soccer in Brazil and win the World Cup.  River asked me if she could eat kibble out of it, kibble being River’s main motivation to do everything and I said yes.  We then put the codes into the computer and off we went.

First we went to our friend Mollie the Highland Girl.  She has shared with us many stories about her love of soccer and I knew she would make a proper striker, whatever that is.  She gladly joined us and then we wooshed to farm country.  We needed some young blood on our team and the Boys, Elvis and Moo, would do the trick perfectly.  I didn’t even have to ask them.  As soon as they saw us they were ready for any adventure.

We needed some agile players so we got Taz and Einstein, then we picked up Graycee and Hondo.  We got Hattie Mae for inspiration, Lily as our team doctor, Molly the Wally and Lou ee from England where they seem to think they invented the game, Luca from Argentina, Paco from Italy, and finally, for their wisdom and management ability, Tommy Tunes and Hobo Hudson.

It took a lot of code writing but I got us all downloaded to the streets of Brazil.  River said we still didn’t have enough players for a full team but I had a plan.  We went to the Dogs of Brazil shelter and asked if any dogs wanted to play.   A dozen paws went up in the air.

So now we had our team comprised of males and females, Americans, Brazilians, Britons, Italians, and Griffons. We were lucky to not be placed in the Group of Death but Group E along with Switzerland, Honduras and France which was known as the Group of Ambiguous Sexual Identity.

Our first game was against France.  Mollie was able to get on top of the ball and ride it all the way into the net in the first five minutes while the French stood around looking for the men they were going to play.  Once France figured out that they were playing dogs our staunch defenders from the Dogs of Brazil chased and nipped them all over the field.  If a human can bite another human why can’t dogs bite humans?  The French retreated and we were victorious.

Most of our Brazil dogs were banned for the second game against Switzerland so we recruited more dogs over the Internet and added them even though it’s against the rules.  (Thankfully all dogs look alike to humans.)  Our new defenders were not as ferocious as the Dogs of Brazil and we fell behind 3-0.   River added a brilliant bit of strategy.  She peed on the ball.  The Swiss did not want to go near a piss covered ball and we came back with six scores as their goalie kept running away from our shots.

We had qualified for the round of 16 by the time we played Uganda.  The grass was very cool, and the sun strong, so we all just laid on the grass and enjoyed the day while the Ugandans scored 23 goals.  But it did not matter. We were ready for the next round.

The night before our next match we had a team meeting and decided we all missed our Moms too much so I uploaded everyone back home and let Brazil advance to the Round of 8 as long as they let the Dogs of Brazil play defense for them.  They agreed and we were all very happy.  (Until the dogs fell asleep against the Germans, but that’s another story.)

Especially the seven other teams who knew we would kick their butts!

Two Old Florida Dogs, A Hungry Dog, and an Ace are our Pups of the Week

For most Americans it was a short week, but for us pups and their parents it has been a week of prayer as three of our friends, two tough old Florida dogs, and one overly hungry Illinois dog, each had operations that made us very worried.  All three pups are home and on the road to a full recovery, but one pup, our friend  Ace, Apollo and Shakira’s brother, not in need of an operation, or a hospital stay, at the age of 14, finds his song ending, and is scheduled to cross the River of Life to the immortal side on Tuesday.

The week began with news that sent an earthquake of worry through our tight little band.  Tommy Tunes, the keeper of keys, who puts our minds at ease and is guaranteed to please, was undergoing surgery.  Tommy is 17 and he needed surgery on his eyes and to remove some growths.  Surgery is a risk at any age but when you are a senior dog the risks grow.  We all gathered in our designated spots to pray and blessedly word came that Tommy came through surgery and, although he was sore, he still plans to amuse and comfort us for many, many more moons.

Then came news that Hobo Hudson was quietly undergoing the knife.  Hobo, author, and wise businessman, kept quiet about his surgery plans, knowing such momentous news could cause upheaval in the bone market.  He had some growths that needed to be removed.  It was done, at an undisclosed location, to keep the puparrazi away, and he was home at the end of the day, also sore, but enjoying an intimate dinner with his wife Lily.  When word leaked of Hobo’s surgery we went back to our special prayer spots and asked the heavenly angels to heal our friend, which they did.  We hoped there would not be a third surgery, because heavenly angels often say no

But by the end of the week we were back in our prayer spots praying for Lacey.  She ate a charcoal filter from their aquarium and it got lodged in her digestive tract and needed surgery.  For the third time we gathered at our prayer spots and for a third time the angels said yes although they made us promise she wouldn’t eat anything that could kill her for at least a month.

But the angels don’t always give, sometimes they take, and Ace, brother to Shakira and Angel Apollo has made the decision to leave the mortal world behind and pass over to Rainbow Bridge.  His legs have given out and his heart is failing.  He has fought long and hard to stay with his Mom but he knows his heartbeats are running out and his song will be ending.  When he crosses over on Tuesday there will be Apollo, and many other friends waiting to see him, while on the mortal side there will be many tears.

It will be bittersweet to see Ace again, knowing the sadness felt by those he left behind, but it will be good to see him, and to know he is only a party of one.

Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley: My friend Butkus just became a Dad.   Mommy says I can never become a Dad.  Why is that?  Brody

Dear Brody:  I thank you for this very important question.  Sometimes dogs ask me questions and I have to delve deep into the mysterious of the universe to find the answer but this one I can answer without a bit of research.  Your Mom had your balls cut off, put in a jar and left in the dumpster behind the vet’s.

But don’t go hating on your Mom.  Even though you won’t know the joy of fatherhood she did you a favor.  If she did not have you snipped then once a month you would smell the female scent in the air and you would begin to bang your head against the door until you were let outside and then you would stumble down the street like a zombie looking for the dog emitting the scent.

And there are a lot of other responsibilities that Butkus has now.  Although most of his pups will go to new homes he will have to pay kibble support to make sure that they get fed enough, and then there are treat gifts for birthdays and holidays.  It is very likely he is going to have to get another job sitting in the sun to pay for it.

Plus male dogs are not the most discriminating species when it comes to members of the opposite sex.  I have heard some male dogs have awoke with coyote women.  They are not actual coyotes, they are just ugly female dogs who are snuggled up with their head on the male’s arm and the male decides it is better to gnaw off his arms then the wake her up.

So you see your Mommy did your Mom actually did you you favor.  Plus you have those two human babies to raise and you don’t need any pup babies.

Remember Moms know best.

Wordless Wednesday

River Gives Her One Year Employee Reviews

It has been nearly a year since I left my Florida family to take over management of a Massachusetts family (no one told me about the cold.  Who wouldn’t tell someone about the cold?  I was less than a year old. Geez)  I was replacing Judge Foley Monster who accepted a position of great importance at Rainbow Bridge.  It was an honor to be replacing Judge Monster but I will repeat, as I have often done to her, her dream meetings to guide me, while appreciated, are not needed.

Now, I think it is proper, after a year of supervision, to give my staff reviews.  I will share them with you, my loyal friends,

Mommy:  Overall your work has been excellent.  You are a wonderful snuggler.  I love lying against you while I sleep at night and you give excellent lap.  The food is served promptly and sometimes with surprises like chicken and pumpkin.  You could be a little more reasonable when others make small errors, like when I pee on the couch, or when I run around the house like a mad dog and knock something over, or I pull something out of the trash and eat it.  So you need to set a goal of working on your temper.  Also you need to improve on your time management.  You should be sitting more.  When I follow you around the house with my nose on your heels you should sit immediately and not be doing “house work” or “paper work” or “work.”  Overall I think you are doing more than a satisfactory job and look forward to your improving this upcoming year.

Daddy:  The work is satisfactory but could use improvement.  The walks are good and usually on time but more time letting me sniff and explore strange new smells would be appreciated.  You provide adequate snuggle, if not as soft as Mommy, but sometimes I wake up and your head is resting on my buttocks which I find unsettling.  You do an excellent job with my treat balls are night.  Your combination of pumpkin, kibble, health bars, and cheese is first rate but when I finish them I am disappointed that you do not refill them.  You playing with me, moving my stuffed toys over the floor, and holding them up high so I can jump up and get them is good, but you spend too much time playing with Pocket and not enough playing with me.  I hope to see improvement in the next year

Pocket:  When Foley hired me for this job she did say that my assistant would be lacking in many qualities and she was right.   You seem  to think she can lay on Mommy’s lap whenever she wants; she thinks she can eat kibble and treats when I am more entitled to them; she thinks the red ball is hers when it is clearly mine,; and she take attention away from me; plus her paper work is sloppy, her spelling is atrocious, her penmanship indecipherable; her math indescribable.  But she is warm to sleep against, she is very sweet to me, and is fun to play with when neither of us have a headache.  There is a lot of hope for, but little chance of, improvement.

Online friends and family:  Better than described.  Thank you for welcoming me into your computers, your lives, and your families.  I feel like I have become an international spokesman for grumpy dogs.  No improvements needed from you, just keep up the good work.