The Ruby Rose Report: The Green House

 

My parents don’t admit it often, but on walks, I embarrass them.

When I see a person while walking, I stop, bark, stand on my back legs, and flip the human off using my front paws.

Well, I try but my arms flop around helplessly like that dinosaur in the Toy Story movies.

Unable to show my displeasure with a gesture, I bark, and even snarl while my parents apologize, and say I am really a good dog.

What do I mean to them? I am dangerous, and I am the enemy.

So, when Mommy rolled out of the house to go to her favorite nursery to buy flowers, I figured that Daddy and I would stay in the car as we have done the last three years. But, lately, Mommy has become as unsteady as RFK Jr at a cabinet meeting, and when they got to the nursery Mommy told Daddy she wanted him to go with her.

“But what about Ruby?” Daddy asked.

Leaving me in the car was out of the question. “Take her with us,” Mommy said. “She’ll do fine.” 

I would like to say it was a display of confidence, but I knew it was more of her lack of confidence in her mobility that spurred the decision.

Mommy used her cane to stumble over to get a cart. Mommy looks bad when she is walking. People are always ready to assist her. One of the workers said they would push the cart for her but Mommy said she needed it for balance. 

Meanwhile, Daddy got me out of the car. There were maybe a dozen people there, and he was sure I would undergo my Griffon to Jackass transformation.

And, I would like to have, but there were so many smells, I was too distracted to be obnoxious. I wasn’t friendly, but not hostile either. On this day, I was just a dog.

The biggest worry I had was getting hit by Mommy, who was operating the cart like Joe Biden riding a bicycle, cutting back and forth. Daddy tried to rush her like he would a carrier turkey, who he was urging to quickly deliver ots letter because they don’t stay up for long.

I was very interested in what was under the tables with the flowers. These were the most smells I encountered since a layover in Atlanta when I was traveling to my new parents. 

I heard people talking about me, and how cute I was, and I looked up at them and smiled, not because I was glad to see them but because the greenhouse was hotter than Daddy’s balls after he mowed the lawn. I can’t sit on his lap when he is like that. I feel like a slow-cooked rotisserie chicken.

Everyone was very courteous to me and friendly to Daddy, who was anxious to get home and tell his friends if they thought they attracted attention walking a dog they should do it with a crippled lady too.

Finally, Mommy was done, and the flowers were paid for. The woman at the register told me I was cute and tried to make me bark, which I declined because once I started barking I couldn’t find the off switch, 

Then it was time to go home where I could rest, or so I thought, but I was placed in my stroller while Daddy set up the planters for Mommy and she was able to do her flower arrangements which she loved.

Finally I went inside, got on my recliner, and took a nap until dinner time.

I hope I can go to more places with my parents. I promise not to bark and people or snarl, but I do reserve the right to fart in their general direction., 

Friday Fill In

 

It’s Fill-In-Friday brought to us by our two hosts at 15andmeowing and Four-Legged Furballs.   They give us four sentences with blanks for us to fill in. I filled, Ruby Rose, filled in the blanks in blue to the best of my ability.

1. My plans for June include

sleeping some more and eat, fart, poop and sleep some more 

2. I would love to have

P Diddy mentor

me so I can learn how to deal with the bitches who walk my street. 

3. was an aha moment for me

I was just hanging out by the treat bowl and was handed I treat.

I have known where to stand ever since

4. I was not prepared for

my ovaries being removed by a surgeon

who was blessed with the delicate touch of a zombie

going for my liver  when I reached adulthood.

Poetry Thursday

 

My friends the Two Spoiled Cats have provided the following photo as inspiration for Poetry Thursday

Since Paul was a boy

With an EZ Bake oven as a toy

Cooking is what brought him joy 

Where he would serve the hoi polloi

His parents told him it was a silly dream

But he bought a property by the Old Mill Stream

Planned to hire the best restaurant team

And have a nautical theme

“I don’t like the look of these pipes”

Said Building Inspector Snipe

“The sewer system calls for a whole different type”

But Paul thought Snipe just wanted to gripe

No pipes were installed for opening night

Paul prayed everything would go right

The people streaming in were quite a sight

All looking for a perfect bite

He had planned for the right amount of mushrooms

And the freshest legumes

But one thing foretold his doom

He had not counted on the number of people using the bathroom

Halfway through dinner the pipes burst

And a lovely evening turned out for the worst

And as the water cascaded down a wall all Paul could do was stand cand curse

Costly repairs would bust his purse

Paul put his dream of a restaurant aside

Since the walls never dried

And after inspecting the property he did decide

To open an indoor water slide. 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Tiny told his mom "I got the stick, I got it, it's mine, I got it, it's mine. Tell Jake to let go, it's mine."

Monday Question

 My parents are thinking of changing my food. When we the last time they changed yours?

The Ruby Rose Report: The NBA Tonight Hosts and Ruby's Big Event

 

ERNIE JOHNSON: “It is a historic day here in the Village of Old People and Little Dogs, one many of us never thought we would see. Ruby Rose, the face Griffon, for this first time in almost three years living here, has peed outside.  Let’s go to Kenny Smith at the Big Board.”

KENNY SMITH:  “Here you see Ruby on a walk with her dad, whose head is buried in his phone. She is pulling to get across the street, and her weak-willed Dad lets her lead him across the street. Now you see this grassy area on the corner. This is where she reads her pee-mail Today, suddenly, without warning, she squatted, and left a pee response.”

CHARLES BARKLEY: “I was stunned. Ruby has been left wide open to pee but always passed, but today she shocked the world.”

SHAQUILLE O’NEIL: “A little dog peed outside. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

ERNIE JOHNSON: “Kenny is with a witness right now.”

WITNESS: “I was looking outside to see if anyone put out the trash because it is trash day tomorrow but Monday was a holiday so that means the trash day got pushed back but sometimes they work on holidays and I don’t want to miss trash days because my son Roger finally cut the grass and put the clippings in the barrel and I don’t have room for another week’s trash.”

KENNY SMITH: “But did you witness the momentous event when Ruby peed?”

WITNESS: “I don’t remember, now get off my steps before I call ICE, but first put the trash out.”

ERNIE JOHNSON: Ruby has just returned from her walk and is standing by the lawn. Ruby, what made you finally pee outside?”

RUBY: “I took a big drink of water before going got a walk and couldn’t hold it in any longer.” 

ERNIE JOHNSON: “Did you leave a pee mail.”

RUBY: “Yes, I wrote ‘Long time reader, first-time urinator, and not to put your trash out Monday was a holiday.”

ERNIE JOHNSON: “One more thing Ruby, I know you want to get inside to see your mom, do you plan to pee outside ever again?”

RUBY: “I don’t think so, I am not an animal.”