Sunday Funnies

An eold man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.

Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."  

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill.”

Friday Fill-ins

Gather around the sleigh , its time for Friday Fill Ins There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out.  Here are this week's statements with my fill ins are in CAPITALS 

My Christmas tree goes up IN THE MOST INCONVENIENT PLACE POSSIBLE. I GET UP LATE AT NIGHT TO PEE AND SUDDENLY THERE IS A TREE IN MY WAY. I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE JESUS WAS BORN UP A TREE. HUMANS HAVE ON THEIR WALLS WHERE HE DIED WHY NOT WHERE HE WAS BORN? BUT IT TURNS OUT HE WAS BORN IN A BARN. I GUESS I SHOULD BE HAPPY WHEN I HAVE TO PEE IN THE HOLIDAY SEASON THAT I DON’T NEED TO WALK THROUGH A BARN. HUMANS! I am thankful for THE OLD GUY IN A WHEELCHAIR IN THE LOBBY WHO ALWAYS GIVES ME PUPERONI TREATS. THERE’S A GUY SOMEBODY SHOULD ERECT A TREE FOR. I AM ALREADY SICK OF THE COLD WEATHER by the time December rolls around. I’ll be spending a lot of time FIGURING HOW I CAN DRAG THE TREE INTO THE HALLWAY, INTO THE ELEVATOR, DOWN A FLOOR AND INTO THE LOBBY TO GIVE TO THE TREAT GUY IN THE WHEELCHAIR WHO COULD USE A TREE. 

Poetry Thursday

I am thankful for my friend the one spoiled cat providing the photo the photo for Poetry Thursday

I give thanks to my friends thetwo spoiled cats for providing this week’s photo

Jax had a hard time making friends 

And thought it would be that way to the end

But in the barnyard he found someone that made him perky

Who called herself Mac and was a turkey

Ii

For Jax making friends was hard

Until he found the friendly little clucker in the yard

On the farm neither Jax or Mac had a purpose

And one another they did worship

Iii

Seeing her food uptake Jax said it looked like they were trying to fatten his friend up

Food is always noticed by a pup

And by fall Mac had grown quite plump

Carrying most of hus weight in his dump.

IV

Jax was worried about his friends intake of cholesterol.

As his size expanded before late fall

Then Mac disappeared, Jax surmised he went away

Just a short time before Thanksgiving day

V

On the fourth Thursday in November the house was busy

So much activity made him dizzy

He wandered into the dining room

And felt a sense of doom

Vi

Had the barbarians slaughtered his friend for dinner?

Was the family he loved full of sinners?

Was it time to go on the run?

Before he too came under the gun?

 Vii 

Then the door opened and Jax was happy to see Mac enter

But his friend said something that touched his nerve center

Mac exclaimed with dread

Oh my God, their eating my wife Mildred

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

Oh for God Sakes. I took a dump in the tank. It’s called an upper decker. It’s funny. Well I can see you have no sense of humor. Just get out. Get out of my bathroom. I don’t care what you have to do, get out. Damn humans: Can’t live with them, can’t use the can opener without

Monday Question

We know your parents have Thanksgiving plans but what will your day be like?  

Ruby’s Answer:  My parents will be leaving me for only the second time since we moved. While they are gone I will take a nap and visit Foley at the Bridge where she is having a dream feast

Poetry Thursday

 

I

“There is going to be a flood,” the town folk told Juan Pierre

But he ignored them and sat on his derrière, 

But soon nature would catch him in her snare

When a heavy rain filled the air.

II

Water quickly filled his room

And so the house did not become his tomb

He escaped from the skylight the gathering gloom

Like a baby pushing out of the womb

III

Above water he could barely keep his head

And around him the current sped

When he saw a little

His friend Jack riding on a bed

IV

Univited Juan Pierre pulled himself aboard

And thanked the Lord

But then found himself with a fact he abhorred

The bed was sinking from the head board

V

Their chances of reaching high land frayed

And when Juan Pierre told Jack to get off he dismayed

”I’m not Jack and your not Rose,” Jack tried to persuade

”And before Jack got off at least Rose got him laid.”

VI 

Juan Pierre said they could take turns on the float

And when he won rock paper scissors he couldn’t not help but gloat

When Jack jumped off and grabbed the side Juan Pierre kick him in the throat 

And Juan Pierre taunted his for: “I will never let go Jack, quote unquote”

VI

When Jack stood the water was up to his knees and he wasn’t that tall

The water had receded after the sudden squall

And with glee Jack watched and with happiness he did bawl

As Juan Pierre and the bed fell towards the sewer after going over a water fall