Monday Question

 How many times; not counting treats, do you eat a day?

and how many counting treats?

I get two meals one at breakfast and one at super time.

i get treats approximately seven times a day

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her,fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side.The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

Poetry Thursday

 

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blogå

The Big man from Freedonia need more living space

Where, freely could live, his master race

And, with other countries, to keep a pace

And mostly for the beans he used to make his orange face.

To find his special bean he targeted the land of  green.

Its leaders dismissed the orange leader as crazy and mean.

But it was only their land that grew the orange bean.

And the Orange Leader wanted it, and was unafraid to cause a scene.

The Orange Leader first tried to buy the Land of Green with his riches

He predicted that they would cave, the sons of a bitches

But he was told his offer wouldn’t even pay for their lakes full of fishes

And now they would find out what happened when you didn’t succumb to the Orange Leader’s wishes

Then the Orange Leader let his voice soar

To war, to war, Freedonia is going to war

A fact we can’t ignore

We’re going to war

The Orange Leader’s assistant Weasel said over the Land Of Green no one would fight

And Freedonia had a right to the Land of Green because they had the might

And other countries would retreat in fright

And he could make the Land of Green white

The Land of Green has an army, but it wasn’t fine

And they were arrived Freedonia would wrap them up like twine

But their Professor said “I have an idea, it is mine.”

And soon the Land of Green had miles of troops on the battle line

In the face of an overwhelming enemy Freedonia did towards home beat feet

Although the Orange Leader said they won, he could never admit defeat

And the Land of Green didn’t let on their deceit

That it was mere snowmen with sticks for guns that caused Freedonia’s hasty retreat.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Captioin

 

Hey, I don’t know if you are aware, but the door is locked. Just wanted to let you know. Carry on.

Monday Question

 What do you do that most make your parents feel loved?

Ir is the sad look I give them when I want them to sit with me. 

Sunday Funnies

 

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.
 

"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," says the priest.
 

One month later the three couples return to the church and talk to the priest. He then asks the elderly couple, "Have you completed the month with sex?"
 

"Yes we have, it was easy," replies the elderly couple.

"How about you?" He asks the middle-aged couple.

"It was hard, but we didn't have sex for the whole month," they respond.
 

"And how about you two?" He asks the young couple.

 "No we couldn't do it," responds the boyfriend.

 "Tell me why," says the priest.

"Well my girlfriend had a can of corn in her hand and she accidentally dropped it. She bent over to pick it up and that's when it happened."

The priest then tells them, "You're not welcome in my church."

"We're not welcome in the supermarket either," says the boyfriend

 A  husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.

"What the heck was that for!" he asked.

She replies, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it..."

"Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on."

The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.

Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan.

"What the heck did I do wrong this time!" he asked.

She answered, "Your horse just called!"

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviouslyupset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonnahave to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flickingher tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing wentand kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out fromunderneath me!

But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall.Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down."

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you.