Ruby’a Sunday Funnies

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck and sees him out. A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!” “Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 
The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in." 

Friday Fill Ins

 

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in capitals

• I rue the day THAT I, INEVITABLY, WILL BE APPOINTED SUPREME RULER OF ALL LIVING THINGS, BECAUSE I DON’T THINK THEY LEET YOU SLEEP UNTIL 11 WHEN YOU ARE SUPREME RULER OF ALL THINGS. 

 

• One thing I wish I had closure on WAS WITH THE CREATURES WHO LIVED UNDER OUR OLD HOUSE. THEY OWED ME A LOT OF KIBBLES FROM CASINO NIGHTS. CHIPMUNKS NEVER LEARN THAT YOU CAN’T HIT ON 18.

 

• MY MOOD took a turn for the worst when I SAW WE ARE DOWN TO ONLY TWO BAGS OF BACON STRIPS.

 

• My POSTURE has improved thanks to FINDINGA KEGAL EXCERCISES FOR SPADE DOGS SITE ON THE INTERNET. I AM FIRM AND LOVING IT. 

Poetry Thursday

    

  

  My friends Angel Sammys and Teddys Pawetatonhave provided the picture below to inspire our poetry

Toby felt a sense of calm

After the pain that had caused his old body such harm

And ripped him from his sweet Mama’s arms

As he bought the proverbial farm

*

The next thing Toby knew he was wet

Into the River of Life his body had been sent

Until his body onto a bank did ascent

And for the first time in days he felt content

**

Toby stood not knowing which way to go

But then saw a flying crow

And the way the river did flow

And his heart was aglow

***

They Toby saw a bright light

Like a sparkling dawn pushing away unrelenting night

And Toby knew there was no longer reason for fright

And pain was replaced by delight.

****

Then he saw the Bridge made of stone

On the edge flowers were strewn

And towering above it two rainbows had grown

And Toby knew he was at his true forever home

*****

Then someone his name did call

And past him went his favorite lost ball

Then he was tackled by, and began running with his long lost brother Bar Crawl

And he saw, laughing, dear Uncle Paul

*******

By the time Toby learned he had transitioned to the other side

It was something he could abide

And he felt bad for all those on the mortal side he left behind

He adapted to his new role of being their spirit guide.

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat this caption

 Believe me mom this isn’t the weird part. Daddy has the baby on a leash trying to get it to poop in the snow

Monday Question

 

When I went to sleep Sunday night it was lightly snowing and eight hours later, when I woke up, there was more than two feet of snow on the ground.

It was such a bad storm the house plants were drooping like they were ducking a punch.

Of course, I did not go outside.

I do not do manual labor like shoveling and I do not walk in the snow like an animal.

What is the most extreme weather you have experienced?

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies