Poetry Thursday

 

Two friends met for a beer

At an outdoor bar they found

And when a waiter did appear

They asked for another round

*

They shared every story they could tell

Their laughter could be heard all around

As clear as a bell

They asked for another round

**

When the clouds came in the people ran inside

Which left  both men dumbfound

A few clouds were no reason to hide

And they asked for another round

***

Then the rain began to fall

Creating a pounding sound

But the men were having a ball

And they asked for another round

****

Soon the rain was a monsoon

And wisemen would have moved to higher ground

But the men howled at the moon

And asked for another round

*****

In an hour they had drunk one another under the table

Like unlucky soldiers on the a battleground

Standing was not a skill that they were able

But they could still ask for another round

******

They awoke deep in the night in puddles or rain and vomit

Being humped by an in heat basset hound

They pulled themselves into their wet chair and width to a look decided to recommit

And ordered another round 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

I went for my damn walk. Satisfied?

Now open this door or I will claw your eyes out.

Monday Question

 When you see a blanket or towel on a couch or bed do you scrunch it up to make a nest?

Ruby's Answer: I like to make a nest of the blankets on the bed and then, once it is perfect, I leave it and snuggle next to Mom

Introducing Ruby's Sunday Funnies

 

The Bartender asks "Rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my brother is gay", the Bartender says "Well everyone has their own path".
The next day the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my oldest son is gay", the Bartender says "Well that's his choice".

On the third day, the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender says "My god, another rough day?", the man replies "Yeah, I just found out that my youngest son is gay", the Bartender says "It's totally up to him who he's attracted to".

The fourth day comes around, and the man walks into the bar again and says "4 drinks please", the Bartender asks "Doesn't anyone in your family like Women?", the man replies

"Yeah, my Wife does."

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"Personalized joke recommendations

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds,
"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too

Friday Fill Ins

 

It is time for Friday Fill-Ins.

Can I get a hell year?

There are four statements: the first two statements are written by 15AndMeowing, and the final two are done  by  Four-Legged Furballs. Please check them out. 

Here are this week's statements with my responses underlined. 

1. I wish I could believe that Chuck Schumer is not an upper class twit, but I don't.
2. I am all cutnessed out.
3. I'm very picky about what I am given to eat while my parents are eating so I stop beginning for food. I am supposed to be given bacon treats and if I don’t get them I refuse to eat.
4. I don't mind doggystyle as long as I get dinner first.

Poetry Thursday

 

Frank sat in his lawn chair

Eating peanut butter cracker by the square

When Jonathan L Seagull flew down and asked if he had any to sprare

And when Frank said no Jonathan responded "no fair"

ii

Jonathan L Seagull watched Frank it them all

On a bench outside the town line strip mall

And Jonathan thought "of all the gall"

If only they hadn't jailed his lawyer Better Call Saul

iii

Jonathan could not believe Frank could be so selfish

Like a pearl hoarding shellfish

He prepared revenge as a cold dish

And disaster for Frank he did wish

IV

A week ago Jonathan saw Frank on the boardwalk

Licking an ice cream cone and looking like a dork

It was time to put Jonathan’s revenge plan to work

And teach a lesson to the jerk

V

Jonathan swept down a stole the cone

Like a puppy stealing its big brother's bone

And flew off the parts unknown

Leaving Frank alone

VI

Jonathan landed began to eat hoping it was made of coco

But his experience was a bigger disaster than Fukuoka

Frank had picked a flavor most mediocre

It was frozen tapioca 

VII

I am not satisfied is what Jonathan said

And he thought over what to do while lying in bed

Back to the boardwalk via air he did sped

And took a big poop on Frank's head

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

No more energy drinks for you. You've got too much damn energy. You keep me up all day. What are you going to do with all this energy? You don't need it. Enough. You want it, reach up my ass and get it. 

Monday Question

 

Do you wake your parents up or do you wake them up?

My parents have to wake me up. I am usually burrowed deep under the covers.

Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Rogue

 

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."


The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."


"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

Read more on page: https://jokesoftheday.net/

Friday Fill Ins

Thanks to my two friends it is  time to fill in the blanks!   There part of the sentence is in back, and I filled in the blank with blue.

Enjoy

1.When it comes to making decisions, I choose fart over poop everytime because you don’t need to move to fart, and my non-opposable thumbs make me useless at cleaning up if I am wrong

2. Getting two treats because one parent didn’t tell the other I already had one was the highlight of my week.

3. I wish there was a Tutti Frutty truck that only sells treats for dogs  in my local area. 

4. Thanks to my long lost ovaries , I don’t have to worry about going into heat in the summer. It is bad enough going into humidity. 

Poetry Thursday

 

My friend who is one spoiled cat gave me the picture below for the Thursday Poetry blog hop

Anthony dreamed of lifting weight

But when he did he tore his taint

Which is a couplet you ain’t

Gonna find in Romeo and Julilet

Anthony knew he couldn’t compete with the boys

Because his nuts were smaller than the chips in Chip-A-Hoys

You would be great if you weren’t a boy

Said his friend Tim, who wasn’t being coy

Anthony told his doctor he wanted to be a chick

So pull out the bone saw and whack off the dick

The doctor thought Anthony was quite sick

And thought of mental hospitals they could send him quick

Anthony was put in a 72 hour hole

But that did not stop him from his goal

His days were numbered being a foal

And another doctor told him all it took was drilling a new hole

Soon Anthony was Antonia a chunky girl

With big thighs and hair in curl

Sde told the girl’s coach he wanted to lift weights and he said give it a whirl

And she was confident she could lift the weights and give them a twirl

At least when she attempted it her balls wouldn’t hit the floor

But she should have worried about her doctor who only worked on the poor

And what happened next was force majeure 

And from her butt to her surgical scar everything tore

Antonio wished she had not made the change

And genitalia is not something you can easily exchange

And sports is not a reason to do a pubic rearrange

When it comes to removing your penis think long range

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

There goes the neighborhood

The dogs are moving in

They'll bring their next of kin

Monday Question

What is your position on belly rubs?

Do you like them?

Are you addicted to them?
Do you lie on your back with your paws in the air showing off what Momma gave you?

Ruby's Answer: I might roll over for a few rubs but that is it.

But, each morning, when my parents pull down the covers to expose me at the bottom of the bed I am always on my back with my legs straight up.

Foley's Tails From Rainbow Bridge: Chase and Slater

 

It has been a while since I wrote about a friend coming to the Bridge, not because there has been a lessening in arrivals, they still do, night and day, in sometimes overwhelming numbers, but because the number of angels I knew when I was mortal has dwindled. It has been more than a dozen years since I crossed over, and that is longer than the average dog’s lifespan.

One of the things drilled into me at Judge’s school was to never be excited to meet someone who has passed away. They are transitioning, and the day they arrive is usually the worst time of their mortal, and immortal times. It is why no one ever repeats a funny story they heard at a funeral.

So I had to hide my pleasure when I saw that Aunt Gretchen’s baby Chase was arriving. Like me, and River, Chase went from being perfectly healthy leaving those who loved him, especially his parents and his puppy sibling from another litter, Slater.

They had been siblings for 14 years, always together, two hearts beating as one. The problem with having a soul whose heart beats with yours is that when it disappears your heart becomes overwhelmed and everything becomes more difficult.

I thought when Chase came to my home that he was having trouble adjusting to his new life, but he shocked me when he said that Slater would be joining him by sunset.

I waited with Chase by the Bridge waiting for Slater to arrive. Poor Chase could feel all the pain his parents did on this day, as he tried to take it away from his parents and put it on him. But there was too much. 

We saw Slater crawl out of the River of Life and cross Rainbow Bridge. Slater ran directly to Chase, without acknowledging me, because he could only see the other part of his heartbeat. I tried not to listen to their hushed conversation, except for hearing several times that Slater was so very tired. 

Then Chase told him that now, for the first time in a while neither were tired, and they slowly began to play with one another like when they were young, and then they began running into the setting sun barking all the way. 

The two hearts were reunited, and soon will be devoted to easing their mother’s pain.

I will bet on the two of them.

I always bet two for good. 

Nature Friday

The gardening starts in late March, when the flowers are still dormant. It is always discouraging because the idea that these plots of land, with skeletons of last year’s blooms shriveled and frozen, will be bursting with beauty seems futile. Almost nothing can grow in the barren wasteland.

Then, at first slowly, then rapidly, the flowers grow, the blooms burst open and your little garden has added beauty to the world. 

Mowing, weeding, mulching, and pruning take time but are rewarding. Mid-May is the best time for a gardener, before it gets hot and everything gets dry and burned.

The gardner keeps working and being rewarded as the roses burst open, the lilies bloom, and the white petals become colorful black eyed susans.

But it keeps getting hotter, and drier. The weeds multiply, and no amount of weeding or watering can up with them. And once the are our gardens in less than their full glory but a representation of resilience we can all learn from. 

Poetry Thursday

 

Our friend Teddy, who is One Spoiled Cat  

provided the following photo to inspire me on Poetry Thursday…

Garfield liked the weekend

Where he could sleep all day in bed

No one to please, no one to offend

No one to complain about what he said

+

For Garfield weekends were much too short

Especially when you slept half the time

There was hardly time to cavort

To eat lasagna and drink the house wine

+

On Monday Garfield didn’t go to work

And he would receive no check

He had a duty he could not shirk

He was on community service for treating Odie like a jerk

+

He had hid Odie’s bowl

He had gutted the dog’s toys

Garfield chased him into a manhole

And performed an unauthorized operation removing Odie’s boys.

+

This was not the first time Garfield had run afoul of the law

And the Judge threw the book at him hoping the cat would learn a lesson

He got sent to work in a dog shelter’s kitchen like a common scofflaw

It was a place Garfied found distress in

+

Garfield chopped the beets and pounded the meat

He made the soup from scratch and a cookie batch

He put the bacon in the fryer and dirty bowls in the air dryer

Great meal chef the dogs said  before the left

+

Garfield spent the day filled with rage

Praying for the time he could scamper away

Instead of being stuck in this kitchen cage

At least he finally had a reason to hate Mondays

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

George remembered having one final cat nip, two shots of tequila and the rest was a regrettable blur

Monday Question

Do you have a secret last name the your parents use when your given name is not enough?

Ruby's Answer: I am Ruby Rubenstien

I know, I don 't look Jewish

Ruby and the Wart Lady

On Saturday my mom and I go to work with my Dad, although he never actually stops anywhere long enough for it to be a place of work. 

In June, my Dad’s division of store sales was laid off en masse from General Mills. (To get revenge, I punched Pop from Rice Krispies in the face, then found out he works for Kellogg's. Regardless, the jerk had been getting hit because he was always popping.) Dad filed for unemployment and is still waiting for approval. Those social safety nets people talk about are only as good as the overworked or barely competent people who are holding the net. 

My Dad is almost 63, with tremors in his hands. If he were an NBA free agent, he would take a job where the only qualifications are having a license and not currently being in jail: DoorDash.

On Saturdays Mommy and I go with him to air out Mommy, and for me to keep her company. 

He usually works four hours, and was close to being done Saturday, when he got an assignment: To get wart cream.

There were drug stores close to her house, but the wart cream she wanted was ten miles and twenty minutes away. We were going to order pizza when Daddy was done and now we had to wait.

He drove to the store and went inside to find this one over the counter cream. And it had to be this one, not any wart removal would.

Frustrated, Daddy asked an associate where the wart removal cream was, and was asked where the wart was.

“It’s not for me,” Daddy said.

“Of course not sir,” the associate answered in a non-believing tone. He helped Daddy find the cream. On his way out of the store, the woman with the worrisome wart wanted to know where her cream was. Daddy told her it was on the way, and held his tongue that she would have had it by now if she didn’t want a bougee wart.

Driving back Daddy had to make another stop, and when he got to the wart lady’s house he left the wrong package and got an angry message from the wart lady, and had to return.

It took close to an hour to complete, and I got fed late, all because of a wart.

I am waiting for the day when someone asks him to get heavy-duty Depends. 

` 

Ruby Rose and the Hobo Code

 

I stay inside when it is hot out. My resting bitch face makes breathing thick air like trying to suck a hearty milkshake through a recycled paper straw.

By the end of the week the weather was comfortable and I emerged like a bear who hit the snooze alarm from May to August. The flowers were worse for wear. Flowers that sprout in April in the northwest are not supposed to survive a hundred degree heat.

I noticed some strange scratchings on the side of the house. My parents didn’t notice. They don’t have a dog’s memory. We memorize all we see, and if we see something different, we bark.

The scratches seemed to mean something, so when I returned back inside after a hearty five minutes enjoying the summer day I went on my I Paw and investigated.

I learned the scratches were based on the Hobo code, which was used by vagrants in the thirties to communicate which towns were safe, and not what Angel Hobo’s dad posts with lots of typos.

The code was written by dirty kitty, or most frequent under the porch resident,

The first scratchings symbolized that it was a safe place to sleep.Next to that was a fork, signalling that my house was a place you could get fed upon demand. Next to that was a man in a dress meaning if you asked the man who lives here for food he will give it to you right away. The drawing meant a man bitch lives here.

Next to that was a small drawing of a bed meaning there was a blanket under the porch for warmth and comfort.

Finally there was a picture of a dog’s face with a discoloration under the nose. It took me a lot of investigating to understand what this meant: The Little Dog who lives here thinks she is Hitler.

Damn Hobo cats. You open the space under the porch for them and they turn on you.

Poetry Thursday

Our friend Teddy, who is One Spoiled Cat  

provided the following photo to inspire me on Poetry Thursday…

Every day I patrol the woods where I reside 

To protect us from any impending doom

I have to make sure that of the rules all the critters abide

And to investigate the weird nylon mushrooms

+++

They sprout up during the day

And go away the next morn

I have tried different sprays to keep them away

But more of them keep getting born

                                  +++

There is something is shared with the wife

That in the woods devoid of noise

Those mushrooms give me the scare of my life

Because they have a voice.

                                 +++

As I slink by sniffing the ground the mushroom speaks in fear

In a soft woman’s voice talking to someone I did not know

The mushroom says: “Be quiet there is a bear out there.

If we keep quiet it will go.”

                                  +++

I came back later in the day and was surprised that they mushroom was playing a radio

And then the woman’s voice said “The bear is back you dumbbell

And if we are killed and we go to heaven Saint Peter will say no

“You shouldn’t have been in the woods that we created for animals so the two of you can go straight to hell.”

                                 ++++

Then I heard another voice claiming his innocence

And I was surprised that I had discovered a schizophrenia fungus

So I stuck my head in the tent to investigate

And see what was the ruckus

                                +++++

And that was when I got a wonderful surprise

The mushrooms are filled with meat, the crunchy kind

And I enjoyed my meal with a bottle of wine on the side

I love the woods, you never know what you will find