Wednesday, June 27, 2012
In Which An Article on How Dogs Help Keep Humans Health Angers Foley
This morning I anxiously opened an e-mail that said it was about how dogs are good for humans’ health. Well, any pup who has ever taken care of their parents when they were sick know that. But to see it published in the slope nosed media was very exciting.
With great anticipation I read the opening line. “Dogs may be good at more than fetching sticks and greeting you after a long day at work.” Exbarking excuse me? Good for more than fetching sticks and greeting you? Has this bi-ped ever met a dog before? Fetching sticks? Has anyone ever read a pup blog where the writer states “My Mommy loves me because of my ability to return her discarded wood? And meeting humans at the door? OK, we are like so wicked awesome at that. And we do love it. But we are worth so much more.
We are God’s angels on Earth, completely devoted to humans, here to make your life easier and happier. We make you smile when you are sad, calm when you are anxious. When the writer of that post is on a plane that crashes in the mountain and is sitting in the snow dying, and a St Bernard comes up with one of those bottles around his neck, I hope the dog goes to get a stick.
But I had to admit once my outrage from his lead had abated I began to take interest in the article. It said the us dogs can lessen your chances of catching the common cold. Of course, having studied dogs and men for most of my life I knew this. By constantly licking my Mommy’s and Daddy’s faces I scare away any human typhoid carrier who think doggy breath is icky, when in truth our sweet kisses block germs from slipping into the mouth or nose. Real dog lovers don’t have any problem approaching one another but they already have the protection of our tongues.
Then I read the third sentence and found out the reason why this biped surmised why we help prevent the cold and of course he was completely wrong. You want to know his reason? Pet dust. I didn’t even know we had pet dust. And if we do it’s because you humans are not bathing us properly.
But to be honest this pet dust thing now has me worried. You know how humans overreact. The last thing I want is to be dusted. Or vacuumed. Being vaccumed sucks.
And that was the entire basis of why we make humans better.
Now we all know this is a huge pile of vick. The last reason we are good for humans is our dandruff. Loyalty, love, laughter, companionship, that is how we keep you healthy.
All the liquid Prell in the world can’t top that.