I have come here today, to announce that I am officially a candidate for the seat of United States Senator from the Commonwealth Of Massachusetts.
Some of you may feel that too little time has passed since our beloved Senator Kennedy’s death to announce my candidacy, I would say to them to remember, I am a dog and for every one day you age, I age seven, so to me, the Senator has been dead weeks.
Others say to me “Pocket: Why set your sights so high? Why not run for the House of Representative first?” The answer is simple. I am not housebroken.
As was done almost 50 years ago it is time to pass the torch to a new generation, a generation born in this century, this decade, the past couple of years actually, and a new species, because let’s face it, dogs could not possibly do a worse job than humans.
I vow on this day that the only tail I will chase in Washington is my own, when Senators go out for the night for a little tail it will be to meet with me, that the days of one butt sniffs the other politics are over.
I am ready to take a position on the most important issues of the day. I say neither Rowe nor Wade but paddle. I am for Universal Health Care because Mommy’s granddaughters tell me when they go to the Doctor’s they get a lollipop and I am for free lollipops for everyone. Also I am supporting free veterinary care for all because dammit we deserve it.
Jon must immediately return to Kate. You have a litter with a bitch, and the bitch’s Mommy doesn’t sell the litter, the stud doesn’t get to wander off. And stop wearing those stupid shirts. When they get blocked out I think I’m having a stroke.
Also, it will now be law that all female dogs are referred to as “lollipops,” while that other word is reserved for mean women who don’t treat pups properly.
Cesar Milan will be deported back to Mexico: All that “humans being pack leaders”
nonsense needs to cease and desist. Chief Glynn Johnson will become pooper-scooper to the entire Los Angeles area cleaning up after every dog. Michael Vick can do the same in Philadelphia. We will pass legislation to appoint someone to go to Tennessee and explain to Billy Ray Cyrus that having his daughter working a stripper pole on television is neither entertaining nor good parenting, and for heaven sakes enough with the hair cut and soul patch. We need to get Michael Jackson buried or hand him off to science.
And free Auntie Bev!
I have listened to my constituents and there will be free ice cream for all dogs with a $10.00 fill up. Veterinarians will be required to measure a dog’s temperature by placing a device under their leg pit. The doctor shouldn’t be determining my body temperature the same way Dick Cheney instructed agents to determine if there was a bomb on a passenger at LAX. Fireworks will be forever banned.
I know that there is a long road ahead of us. Many of you, initially, will not take my candidacy seriously. It would be a great leap of faith for you to support my candidacy. But what is a dog but loyal, compassionate, your best friend? And is that not what we need in Washington?
There will be no sexual scandals during my term, unless you consider a candidate licking herself a scandal. I will walk across the aisle to work on getting legislation passed, but if my colleagues do not work together then I will follow in the steps of the great Daniel Webster and leave a steaming load of Vick in their desk.
Do not dismiss me lightly. I may be small, but I am mighty. I may not be house-trained, but I am love-trained. Join me and we will bring some old fashion dog sense. If you support me please go to my blog page and list yourself as a follower.
Yes we can. Change is coming. It’s my diaper. I spent so much time working on this I think I peed.
So change is definitely coming.