I am a trembler and I am not afraid to admit it. When it appears that Mommy and Daddy will be going out I start to tremble. One of them will see me, and sometimes they will pick me up, whisper to me, and try to calm me, but it does no good, I continue to tremble. Even Foley tells me not to worry, they always come back to us, but even wise Foley, behind those dark brown eyes, betrays her worries.
Shortly over a week ago, in Arizona, a Mom or Dad picked up their trembling dog and told him or her they would be home soon, they were just going down the street to see their Congresswoman speak at the supermarket, and they'd be right home. That pup is still waiting for the parent to return.
So I understand that Moms and Dads want to come back home to us. But they can't control what happens to them when they go out that door. And that scares me. A lot.
Recently Hobo's Mom wrote an article about how Moms and Dads should make sure they provide for us in their wills. I didn't want to read it. I knew what it was about. I know I have so many wonderful friends who would never let Foley or me be without a good home, and I so appreciate that. But I don't know if I could ever really be happy again without Mommy and Daddy.
I don't mind when Daddy is out of the house. I am certain Mommy knows how to take care of us. I'm not crazy about being left alone with Daddy. Mommy is in charge of so much. Making us food. Snuggling with us. Well that's about it. But it meets our needs. Daddy is fun. He seems to have the need to play ball a lot so I play with him even if I am tired. And he walks us. But I prefer to be snuggled up with Mom in a chair wondering where Daddy is then being home with Daddy wondering where Mommy is and why he spends so much time looking at the computer screen.
But I mind very much when they go out together. Why must they go out together? There have been two Presidents in my lifetime and neither has gone on a plane with the Vice-President so they both wouldn't be hurt (although I believe Bush did not want to fly with Chaney because he did not wants to be shot in the face mid flight and nobody wants to sit next to Joe Biden on a nine hour flight to the Sudan.)
I have seen on the computer where some parents set up a web cam so they can watch us pups when we are home alone. Well this is just about the silliest darn thing I have ever heard. We're home. Why do they need to know what we are doing? What humans should do is, where ever they go, hold a web cam in front of them so we can see what they are doing. We know what we're doing. We're sitting at home worrying about them. I have no idea why anyone finds this compelling television.
Thanks to sneaky human parents worried about their human children phones are made with GPS in them. They can go on the computer and find out where their children are. I could tell them where their children were if they would listen. Somewhere they shouldn't be. Us pups should have GPS access to know where our humans are all the time. "Hey Foley where's Daddy?" Foley could look at the Internet and find out that he is at the Red Star Hotel. Not only would our minds be at ease because we knew where Daddy was, but we could blackmail him for extra kibble over a period of months because he is not supposed to be at the Red Star Hotel.
Some parents like to call home because they believe us pups want to hear their voice on the answering machine: "Hi girls, how are you? It's Mommy. I miss you. Are you being good girls? OK. Mommy loves you. I will see you soon. Bye-bye," I imagine that Mommies think us left alone pups will be soothed by hearing our Mommy's voice. In actuality it causes us run around in a panic going "I heard her, did you hear her? I heard her. She's somewhere in the house. Did you hear her? I heard her!" Yes, there is nothing more soothing than the disembodied voice of Mommy suddenly appearing out of thin air. (And don't tell us we should have heard the phone ring. We don't pay attention to the phone. Do you want to know why? Because it has never once been for us.)
What would be nice is if Mommy could leave a message that says "Hello dogs. This is Mommy. I am talking to you from work so don't go look for me. I will be here until 5:00. I should be home by 5:30 so don't worry. I may have to drive by the Red Star Hotel and emasculate Daddy so don't be worried if I am late."
That way we would be informed. But they don't do that. Part of it is because anti-canites find it silly that humans talk to their dogs on the phone. This is exactly the type of person we worry about our parents falling under the influence of when they leave the house. But it is the polite thing to do. Not knowing where you are is why we eat things we shouldn't, like couches, pee where we shouldn't, which is why I am crated, and raise general havoc.
This is what the human professors of dogology call "Separation Anxiety." It's not "Separation Anxiety" it's "Oh my gosh I don't know where Mommy is I don't know if she is ever coming home, I don't know when I am going to get fed, I don't know if I am going to end up living on the street anxiety." We don't so much mind being separated from our humans. That's why sometimes we get off your laps and go lie in the sun for awhile. Occasionally we need our space.
Some foolish dogolists think that, to combat separation anxiety you should leave on the television or radio. Let me tell you parents something. Fox News and AM talk radio do not make soothing noise. We do not hear the voices and think it's our parents berating a first time caller long time listener from Kansas. And no ESPN doesn't do any good either. They yell a lot too. And if you're worried about us don't leave on classical music. If you play classical music you should be worried about us. After a half hour of that we are trying to climb the curtains, willing to take our chances with the window and the fall to the ground.
Part of the problem is that us dogs can't really get a grasp on time. You leave us, the parting is so difficult, honestly, it's exhausting, and we fall asleep. Then we wake up and we don't know how long we have been napping for. Ten minutes? Ten days? Who knows. All we know is that we woke up and there is no Mommy. Some humans say we can tell time from the sun in sky. Sun in the sky? We can't even make fire and you want us to use our tail as a sun dial.
Then, when you finally get home, you act like it's no big deal and you don't know why we are so excited. Why are we excited? We thought you were never coming home. We're like the families of the survivors on the Titanic waiting for them at the dock in New York. Did you expect those people just to give them a slight peck on the cheek and ask them if they had a nice trip? No they rejoice that their loved ones are still alive, and that's what us dogs do when you come home.
Of course when you come home we have to pee a river. Have you ever met a worried person who doesn't have to pee? It is a dogology fact that when you are left alone more than 75% of pee is worry juice.
So remember, when you're going out the door, just to go to work, or go to the store, that there are lots of bad people out there, and lots of bad things happening, and there are no guarantees that anyone is coming home. So, when you do walk in the door, and we dance and jump, dance and jump for joy with us. Rejoice, bark and sing that we're all alive.
And don't take a second of it for granted.