Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"

The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.

"Sure," the second guy replies.

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.

The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"

"Done," says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.

"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?”

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied.

"You'd never get it all in one

A guy walked into a doctor's office, and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later, a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in the examining room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, and an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes, and wait for the doctor.

An hour later, the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Friday Fill ins

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue

• If I would start a museum it would be a museum of me, but, so it doesn’t seem self centered the museum would be called the Ruby Rose Presidential library,
• If I see a professional soccer player get his foot stepped on and go down like Anwar Sadat at a military parade one more time I am going to lose my mind.
• Too soon?
• That the humans are going to throw the ball just because they have the ball and I are doing the throwing motion is the strangest thing I believed as a child.
• If my life had a mascot it would be Mr Met because I don't try hard, don't win a lot, and have a giant head that makes it impossible for me to wear a sweater unless it is one with buttons but I won't wear a sweater with buttons because I am not an animal. 

Poetry Thursday

 

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

Momma could not find her dogs and yelled for their barking affirmation

But the silence only added to her frustration 

And then she found the note which brought her further consternation

Because it read “dear mom, the dogs have gone on vacation”

Clyde was the dog who wrote the note

And convinced to go with him his brother Spot

Because years of play and snuggle left them overwrought 

And to get away they boarded a boat the size of a dreadnought

They arrived at their vacation place managed by Club Med.

And were stunned to see just how big was their bed

And they were happy no human would hog the bedspread

And they went to dinner to do the most popular vacation activity being over fed

The next morning they relaxed on floaties in the pool

They drank cosmopolitans and shouted “vacations rule”

They were the coolest of the cool

To live any other way was for a fool

For the next three days rain did fall

And the dogs could not go out at all

And on the computer the Netflix app would not install

So much for getting caught up on Better Call Saul

Finally Thursday broke sunny

But the manager told the dogs overuse of the mini bar had caused them to run out of money

And the only accommodation they could afford was to be caged with the bunny

Spot didn’t know who would go with Clyde on the next trip but it would not be he

Two days later the dogs returned home to be met by butt wiggling and happily shouting mom and dad

The dogs did not know people could be so glad

And they didn’t  get upset when their excited parents peed on the edge of the pad

The humans were so happy at their return how could they be mad

Wordless Wednesday

 

Beat This Caption

 

I get out of bed at the crack of dawn, am first in line at the worm store and a kid comes out and tells me “sorry Mrs. X but we are out of worms.” I was the early bird but I have no worms. When I find the manager there will be Hell to pay.

Monday Question

 How did you make out with the fireworks?

Did you a lot?

Did they bother you%?

Ruby’s Answer - we nary had a firework. Our local fireworks at the stadium were canceled because of the World Cup. Yay World Cup

Ruby’s Sunday Funnies

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth--to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Friday Fill In

It’s Friday Fill In time. Ruby’s fill ins are in blue

I tend to forget where my pee pad is. Or I should say, I tend to “forget”  where my pee pad is. Does forget and not care mean the same thing?

I spend my 4th of July trying to fart near an open propane flame so I can send up a spark, turn to the people, and say, now there is a firework Ya humps.

I was a fan of bestiality before it became popular.

I see a suspension from Blogger in my future.

Poetry Thursday

Once again Angel Sammys and and Teddys Pawetatonc have challenged us to write a poem about the picture below.  Please to enjoy

After a long day at work, George went home to rest

He had given his job his best

Playing fetch, zooming, and running with his dad had made him stressed

His work was playing, and his dad put him to the test

George was finally falling to sleep.

When he heard the sound of the keys from the Jeep.

And George arose from his bed with promises to keep

Dad sat in the car, hitting the horn, going beep beep beep.

George and Dad returned from a six-hour ride. 

What george really wanted was someplace to hide. 

He thought he could have cried

 When his dad shouted, "Let's play frisbee outside.”

When they got back home, a nap was what George was wishing

But his dad said, "Let us do some midnight fishing." 

When George was nodding off on the riverbank, his dad did some playful splashing and splishing.

And George was angry when he laid down in the wet spot because he had not noticed his dad pissing.

When they got home, it was almost dawn, 

And hs dad said there was no reason to get up this close to morn

Then with a big yawn, 

he told George that a breakfast was what they had to put on

And now the kids were awake. 

Running too and fro like an earthquake

Giving George a cluster headache

And making him wonder how much more he could take.

Finally, George lay down for a nap, 

 then he woke up with his mouth agap

His dad had gone to work behind George’s back, 

and now he was all alone. What is up with that?