Friday, February 18, 2011

Ask Aunt Foley featuring actual questions from actual dogs

Dear Aunt Foley,

For the past few months, I have spent hours upon hours training a little hooman boy to
feed me bites of his lunch, snacks or dinner. You should see the things that I have been
able to enjoy! Pieces of pot roast, carrots, chicken, fruit…It’s like having the best buffet
located in my very own kitchen. Now, my mommy and daddy are telling him to stop!
WTF? I have worked to long and hard to get this boy trained. How do I tell him to keep
feeding me, and to ignore his parental figures?

On another note…how do you potty train a yorkie that pee’s on everything?

Sincerely,
Growling Tummy

Dear Growling Tummy
I do not believe your Mommy or Daddy think they are doing anything to you.  They are young parents.  Young parents start to working on controlling their child's lives within a year of their being born.  Of course us pups begin training them right after they are brought home.  That way we get them to feed us.  But then parents start their training. Unfortunately it is the beginning of a number of changes, no poo in his pants, video games, human friends.  But there is some good news.  Stay close to this kid.  Once he figures out he is being manipulated by Mom and Dad and wants to rage against the machine you convince him that the best way to do this is to have him start feeding you from the table again.  Then the good times will roll my friend.  As for training a Yorkie who pees on everything that answer is pending further review.



Dear Aunt Foley:
My name is Susie and I just came out of the closet...... I am having the most fun EVER..but I have now discovered attention and I want it 24/7..and then there is Matilda getting in my way, demanding my attention.. I've tried crying and whinning, that doesn't work..the eyes work tho, but they avoid them..what can I do?
Susie

Dear Susie:  
You seem to have a big problem on your hands.  I know Matilda.  She's a sweetheart but I wouldn't want to try and compete with her for attention.  How about climbing on Matilda's back and riding around on her?  Then when Matilda is getting attention you would be getting attention too.  You have two  problems.  One is that even if you whine as loud as you can you won't be able to be heard over Matilda's farts and her poos are bigger than you.  So just ride her for all the attention you can get.

Dear Aunt Foley...
I was adopted and got this big brother, guess he came with mom too...anyways......
Signed Maggie 


Dear Maggie:  
Oh this is a tough call for me sweet Maggie.  Your Mom is as special a dog owner as has ever been.  While I prefer girls to boys I have personally met Pokey and I found him to be a perfect gentleman.  I am sure there are times when he is a pain, just today Pocket and I went nose to nose and started fighting.  But count your blessings honey.  You were adopted by the best lady north of Boston.  So you have to put up with Pokey once in awhile.  Still you have to admit you got a pretty sweet deal.

Dear Aunt Foley:
I have this very annoying "Queen Diva" that thinks she has to have everything her way....
Help Me!!!!

Dear Help Me: 
Oh it sounds like you have a terrible problem.  There is nothing worse than living with a Queen Diva.  You have to walk like an  Egyptian and try to overthrow those in power.  Stand up to the Queen Diva.  You may get nipped and bloodied a few times, but you are young, and inevitably the Queen will age and you will be able to kick her tail.  Then you will be the Queen Diva.   Unless the author of this question is Pocket.  If that is the case then get away from the computer, you will never be the Queen Diva and if you try anything like that with me I'll bite the wag off you tail.

If you have a question for Aunt Foley you can send an e-mail to Foleymonsterandpocket@gmail.com or leave a comment on this blog.

2 comments:

  1. Dear Aunt Foley:

    I'm a young BLOB and have been in my forever home for six months now. Before that I lived in a shelter for six months, after being found as a stray at the tender age of three months! Life is easy now, but my pawrents don't like it when they let me out when it's cold, tell me "go to it" and I'm out there for 5-10 minutes, spend time behind the "privacy fence" where there's a notable collection of dog leavings, and then I come in where it's warm and piss in the living room (if I come in and poop, I don't get caught because my big sister eats the evidence). I've got almost no hair, compared to my sister, and it's awful out there, deep snow, or melting, my feet sink in and I'm up to my you know what, if I squat, it's frostbitten toosch! Why don't they understand how that cold just puts me off task? THEY don't go out in the freezing cold!

    Little Sadie

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  2. Wow, Sadie, you DO have a big problem! I hope Aunt Foley gets back to you with a solution and quickly, too! Woof, Blazer

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