I need advice on my Daddy's burning Hot Pocket

You humans are so interested in our Vicks (poo, crap, dropping, remains, however you choose to term them).  Every time ours are a little loose, or irregular, the slope noses e-mail, text, call their friends to discuss what is going on with poo.  Inevitably we are fed some bland rice, chicken boiled until the juices are sucked out of it, bland yogurt,  and, if we’re lucky, something tasty like pumpkin.

But what should we do when our Daddies have bad poo?.  What should we feed them?  How do we get them back to producing golden nuggets?  

Every story about our Vick begins with:  “You wouldn’t believe what (insert dog’s name here) ate yesterday.  Well you won’t believe what Daddy ate yesterday.

Let me set the scene:  Yesterday Mommy and Daddy drove down the Cape to see my Yorkie friend Lulu and the Therapist.  (New on NBC this fall:  It’s Lulu and the Therapist.  She’s a seven pound Yorkie rescue.  Her partner is a licensed therapist.  Together they travel the country solving crime and helping sad people  It’s Lulu and the Therapist new this fall on NBC - Never Beating Cable.)   After pouring their hearts out to Lulu and the Therapist the Therapist gave them human advice.  Lulu gave them her Yorkie advice.  Lie in a sunny spot.  Sniff every flower.  Always sit in a comfortable spot. Now which advice do you think my silly slope noses followed?  The humans of course.  If only they could try it our way just for a day how simpler their lives would be.

They then went to Paul’s Pizza where Daddy ate the thing you won’t believe he ate.  He ate a Pepperocino pizza.  This is a pizza with, what he thought was a sweet pepper topping.  Wrong!  It was a hotter than Hattie’s pepper.  But Daddy believe you eat what you ordered, so he did, pouring down several Pepsi's and sucking ice as he did.

They drove home, he mowed the lawn, we had thunder boomers, Mommy fell asleep, Daddy began making her a snack before waking her up.  Then he stopped and he made a face and bent slightly.  It was a cross between Kramer in the circus episode of Seinfeld where he passed the kidney stone and an ostrich, unaware that is is with child, going into labor.

He hurried into the bathroom.  He was making noises that would have made me call 911 if I had oppossable thumbs (but the smell was terrific.)  He then came out, bent over, walking slowly.  He finished making Mommy’s snack and her tea, brought it over to her, woke her and told her “the peppers are passing through me undigested.”

Mommy told him that it was good he was passing them but he told her no, it wasn’t good, because they were as hot coming out as they were going in.  My little sister looked up confused and Daddy told her “they come out hot, Pocket.”  Hot Pocket!  Mommy and I had a laugh at that.

Daddy gingerly sat down and then Mommy and Daddy had an argument about whose fault it was Daddy ordered that pizza.  Mommy said Daddy ordered the pizza because he was an idiot.  Daddy said that Mommy knew he was an idiot when she married him so she should have stopped him.  I must tell you that was a compelling argument from Daddy.

A little while later Daddy had to go in.  (I don’t know if that is the correct terminology, I know we have to go out so I assume when humans go it is refereed to as having to go in.)    He came out walking gingerly again complaining about his hot Pocket.   

Mommy told him it would be best if he way lying down so they went to bed which is the first time he got off his ass when she asked him to in nine months.   He got in bed and it seemed better but he awoke at 3:30 which is the usual time Pocket wakes him up to go outside.  Pocket got rustled as he was getting out of bed and she looked at me and said:  “How rude!  Interrupted my sleep.”

After and endless streams of noises that sounded like a moose in a wood chipper Daddy came out of the bedroom and got back into the bed.  He kept flipping around trying to get comfortable even trying to balance himself on one butt cheek but it’s hard to sleep and balance.  Finally he fell asleep.  

He has seemed fine today, but we still need help.  What should we be feeding him?  Is there something we can give him that will firm him up and cool him down?    And is there anything we can do about the incessant whining?

If you have any experience in caring for middle aged slope noses with hot pockets and whining tendencies please let us know.  Please pray for our overheated butt hole with his overheated  butt hole.