Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Pawnight Show with Special Guest Kris Humphries

*Sound of audience murmuring and then a band beings to play the Foley Monster theme song*
Pocket: It’s the Pawnight Show starring Foley Monster. With Hobo Hudson and the all mutt Orchestra featuring Hattie Mae on vocals. Foley’s guest star tonight is national disgrace Kris Humphires. I’m your announcer Pocket Dog. And now heeeeeerrrreee’s Foley.
*The audience begins applauding as Foley comes out bowing*
Foley: Welcome. Wow. Snow one day then hot weather the next. I don’t know which of my fur to wear.
*Audience howls.*
Foley: My sister Pocket likes to bury her bones in the yard. I asked her way why and she says because you can’t bury it in a tree.
*Audience howls.*
Foley: Later tonight I am going on a trip to my favorite city. I am going to New Yorkie.
*Audience growls.*
Foley: Ladies and gentlemen Hobo Hudson and his all mutt orchestra.
*Hobo and the band play Hound Dog while Foley walks over to her desk. She jumps up, circles three times, scratches the top of it and sits down. Pocket jumps up in the seat next to her.
Foley: Pocket have you found your yellow ball?
Pocket: No. I keep asking Daddy to move the refrigerator but you know Daddies all they can do is open the door and eat something.
^Audience barks in agreement*
Foley: And what about that guy on the bike who owes us for the World Series?
Pocket: I chase after him but he is very fast for an old man on a bike.
Foley: Well he probably needs a bathroom.
Pocket: True that.
Foley: Just a programming note immediately following this show our band leader, Hobo, has his own show, “So You Think You Can Bark” and I suggest you all check it out.
Pocket: It is my favorite program.
Foley: OK, let’s bring out our guest, he married Kim Kardashian and then caused her to file for her nightmare divorce, it’s Kris Kardashian.
*Kris Humphrees comes out and sits down between Pocket and Foley*
Kris: Excuse me my name is Kris Humphries, not Kris Kardashian.
Foley: Humphries? I got elected my second grade President by running on the Free Hump ticket.
Pocket: I thought they called you that because you are such a hump.
Kris: No, it’s my last name.
Foley: Tell me Kris, as dogs, there are few things we enjoy more than a big ass. That Kim, she has a pretty big ass. Did you ever stick your nose up there and get a good smell.?
Kris: No, that’s disgusting.
Pocket: I don’t think this guy even got to second base with her.
Foley: Well, that’s disappointing because I think lots of dogs would like to get a nose on that.
For us little dogs we can’t really get high enough to get up in there. The most we can hope for is for some old lady to fall down and then we can jump on top of her.
Pocket: Which reminds me we are still collecting for our charity, step stools for small sniffing dogs. Just because we’re small doesn’t mean our freedom to sniff should be curtailed.
Foley: You and Kris have come under criticism because you were only married for 87 days but that’s like a year and a half in dog marriages.
Pocket: And that’s a long time to be married to that bitch.
Kris: I never thought of it like that. I should think more like a dog.
Pocket: I think marrying Kim Kardashian shows you think like a dog just fine.
Foley: Do you own a dog?
Kris: No I do not.
Foley: Why don’t you own a dog? Everyone should own a dog. What have you got against dogs?
Kris: Nothing. I just travel a lot. Don’t have a lot of time to spend with a dog.
Foley: Well we have pictures of you and Chloe Kardashian so that argument doesn’t hold water. And you aren’t working now are you?
Kris: No we are locked out.
Foley: Oh I hate when they lock us out. We can’t get out of the yard, can’t get to squirrels. Have you tried digging under the fence?
Kris: We have tried everything. I don’t know why these owners won’t pay us tens millions of dollars to play basketball and try when we feel like it.
Foley: Now it says here that you have parents who are not of the same breed. Now I may be a full bred Yorkie but I don’t have any problem with someone of a mix bred. Is that why you were returned by Kim. Because she thought you were a mutt.
Pocket: Oh that is terrible. You know when we get someone to take in a mixed breed and they return them we have such a tough time getting them adopted again.
Kris: I don’t need to be adopted I am a grown man.
Foley: Oh Kris, you have been locked out of one home, you were returned after being adopted in less than three months. You are unadoptable.
Pocket: You know what happens when you’re unadoptable?.
Foley: We might find a no kill shelter.
Pocket: But he’s a big, dumb, clumsy mutt who was returned from his last foster home. Plus, looking at the floor, he seems to have a drool problem.
Kris: Dude, I don’t have a drooling problem.
Foley: What we need to do is get a big, dumb, mutt rescue. I know, we will post him on Backup Power Forward Pardons. Please people go to Backup Power Forward Pardons and please adopt Kris Humphries. He has only 24 hours to live.
Kris: 24 hours! What is gong on here!
Pocket: Don’t worry. I’m sure you need a home. Christina Argulera might need a Backup Power Forward.
Foley: Ant that’s our show for tonight. And please. Save Kris Humphries!










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