Hello humans. It is I, Foley Monster, secretly blogging from the other side of the River of Life. I am writing because there are certain things that the bosses don’t want you to know but I think it might help you with your grief for lost pups.
Now go to a space where no one can see you. Don’t pretend you don’t know where, it’s the spot where you read Fifty Shades of Grey. Don’t deny it. When I look in the River I can see everything you do - so accept I know where you read your naughty books and go there.
OK: Are you settled? Good. Us dogs are allowed to visit you, and not just in your dreams. But the catch is we have to come back as something else and we have to be able to take over the mind of the being we inhabit so it can’t be a big brained creature. We have to rely on small brained creatures like tiny birds, animals, insects and any female celebrity who is regularly seen on the E Network which is wonderful news for Bill Rancic and his childhood dog.
Our favorite beings to return as are butterflies. They are so pretty, and humans are always happy to see them. They are never swatted or sprayed. And being in a butterflys’ body is such fun, the floating, the soaring. Butterflies are very gracious about letting us borrow their bodies. Mommy has two beautiful butterfly plants and I told her to move them closer to the house because I love flying around them.
But butterflies are few and far between so we often have to rely on other bugs. Moths are good because they are excellent at getting inside at night. Once they do we can just hang out with our families on the wall. They are only good to use for a night, maybe two, then we feel hungry, hop out and let them eat your sweaters.
We never come back as troublesome bugs like bees or those horrid mosquitoes. The last thing we want to do is to annoy, or even worse, bite you. We do use house flies but their personal grooming habits are gross. Ants? You jump into one of those bodies and within five minutes someone wants you to help them move. And forget about anything disgusting like roaches. We have standards.
Sometimes we can get into bird brains, like hummingbirds. We love being hummingbirds, we dart and flutter, it’s so cool. We can never get into the brains of big birds Big birds are selfish.
We are fans of some garden insects too like grasshoppers and praying mantis. But nothing squirmy like worms or those gross little slug like bugs. So the bottom line is, if you see a pretty bird or fly it could be an old friend fluttering by to see you, so go easy on the Raid and the swatters.
Occasionally we will pick a small animal, chipmunks are fun, the occasional bunny, even though they hold a grudge against us for eating them and don’t like sharing their bodies. We refuse to jump into a rat’s body, and, while some of us use a mouse, I won’t. And squirrels? Forget about it. That is one feud that will never end.
So, if you think you feel us all around you, it’s true, because we are always around you.