I recently read a very helpful blog about eight items you should never feed your dog: 1) Xylitol 2) Chocolate 3) Avocado 4) Macadamia nuts 5) Grapes and raisins 6) yeast dough 7) garlic and onions and 8) marijuana.
Some of the things on the list I have little interest in like Xyitol (what the hell is that?) and yeast dough (I don’t want to know where they grow that); some I might give a sniff but don’t care if I eat like avocados, grapes, raisins, garlic and onions (and why are garlics and onions grouped together as one thing when they make two entirely different pizzas); and those we don’t get to eat because the humans are hoarding them for themselves (chocolate and marijuana.)
Luckily, when you arrive at this side of the River of Life you can eat all this stuff but why would you? Avocados? Gross. Garlic? Makes my cheeks hurt. And marijuana, well that stuff makes you want to eat avocados and garlic.
But this barely scratches the surface of what mortal dogs should not eat. To help mortal pet parents I have made own list:
- Plain Kibble: Can I have a plate of dehydrated meat cooked at an extremely high heat so no taste can survive and then made crunchy so eating it is harder than breaking pebbles with your teeth? Give us a dash of human food. Help a pup out here.
- Any food made from characters in Winnie the Pooh. No bear, no tigger, no kangaroo. Rabbit is OK but only because he was kind of a jerk.
- Healthy treats: If you only eat fruits, vegetables, and healthy food for treats then so should we but if you are eating chocolate cake don’t expect us to be happy with a treat made of carrots and blueberries. Love them like family, feed them like family: If you can’t give us a piece of chocolate case give us something with bacon in it.
- Discounted treats. Here’s a helpful rule of thumb: For you no cheap meat - for us no cheap treat.
- Bully sticks: These are made from a bull’s penis. The last thing any soul wants, be they human or dog is to have their picture taken with a bull’s cock in their mouth unless their name rhymes with Rardashian. It is wonderful that Indians used every part of the bull but there’s a reason they started in Plymouth and ended up in Tempe. Don’t disrespect the bull.
- Anything made in China: Chinese food may be good, but I don’t think any Americans order their Chinese food from restaurants in China, wait for it to be put on a ship, filled with preservatives and sent overseas. If you can find Chinese food made in America then go for it. If not avoid it.
- Ice chips: You know you have all done it. “We don’t want to give them a treat but let’s give them an ice chip because they will think it’s a treat and they won’t be giving us the sad eyes.” We do get all excited because we think it’s a real treat, and we lose the sad eyes, but that is because those things give us brain freezes and no one like brain freezes.
- Turkey bacon: We love bacon even more than chicken. Don’t get us all worked up for bacon and then spoil it when it’s turkey. We will take turkey. Love the turkey. But don’t do a bait and switch and get us psyched for bacon and give us turkey. It’s meaner than the ice chip trick.