Dear Aunt Foley: Mommy wants me to eat some food called Fat Dog and go on a diet. I think I am perfectly proportioned. What should I do? - Maggie.
Dear Maggie: I know there are a lot of reasons that being overweight is bad for us but humans never think to break it to us gently. With other humans they might mention that a friend’s clothes could possibly be fitting a tad tighter, or they seem to be breathing a little hard, never mentioning the extra thirty pounds they packed on.
With us we are taken to the vet where the vicious bastard announces with not an ounce of kindness that we need to lose weight. Sometimes they then try to sell our parents food which is like trying to save someone from drowning by spitting in their mouth.
I want to tell these parents that we have feelings too. We are conscious of our weight. I don’t know how many times, while wearing an outfit, I asked Pocket if it made my ass smell big.
I have researched and if you are having trouble getting off the holiday weight (especially if the holiday was Labor Day 2011) Fat Dog is a low calorie, low fat, food with enough protein to keep bigger dogs from starving to death, but I do find the name insulting in the extremist.
There are lots of ways for humans to lose weight but the names are not insulting. No human would spend money on “Jenny Craig Thinks Your Fat” or “You’re Starting to Look Like a Kardashian But Not In A Good Way.” Or “Weight Watches Your Giant Bionkadunk Walking Down the Street.”
Us dogs have body issues just like you humans. And we aren’t the ones who control what we eat unless we catch a critter now and then and if we do we are just keeping the world safe from critters. You feed us so don’t be calling us fat. Yes, we would eat the entire bag of food if it was put in front of us but once a year you forget to feed us and we are always afraid that once a year is tomorrow. So you could just feed us less, case solved.
(Except that we are going to whine about being hungry and look at you with the saddest eyes in the world until you finally break down and give us that Cheese Doodle and after you do the sad eyes will be back ten seconds later but that’s a blog for another day.)