I recently read an article on Slate.com that asked if you could love a dog as much as you love a child.
What ridiculous question: Who could possibly love a child as much as they love their dog?
I mean we have all the advantages. I can see how you could be annoying when we were puppies, but we are cute as hell, certainly cuter than any puking, pooping baby. They’re bald, they smell, their needy, holy heck, some of them even feed off their human mothers. What is so freaking cute about that?
Now there is us. Look at us. We are beautiful. And we are very low maintenance. As soon as we are born we get up on all fours, we crawl, and we’re good for the rest of our lives. Babies have to stand, walk, all this showy stuff. And if they don’t do it on time they have to be studied and worried over. What’s wrong with crawling? I can go for miles crawling. Let’s see some high faulting baby do that.
After about eight months we are what we are going to be for the rest of our lives but kids just keep creating more problems. There are all sorts of levels of school they insist on going to when a good six week course does it for us. They are nothing but a drain on finances unless something goes wrong we are a bag of food a month, some treats, and a once a year vet visit. And unless you are Hattie Mae the clothing expense is minimal.
When we reach our teens we slow down, we rely on you more, and we just want to spend time with you. When babies reach their teens they decide they know everything, stop listening to their parents, start making terrible decisions and cause horrible stress. Thank God for us and our sweet dispositions that help our parents get through the troubled times teens bring.
And finally both us dogs and human babies move away, we go to the Bridge, and they either go to college, get a job, or join a cult. We visit our parents in their dreams which is a lot of work, while kids can’t even send their Mom a freaking birthday card on her birthday. Yeah we mean you.
So how can you compare a child to a dog? We are the obvious winners.
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