Ask Aunt Foley: Peanut butter on nipples

Dear Aunt Foley: (This question was first asked on Slate.com’s Dear Prudence blog.  It is paraphrased.)  I am a human with a question.  My sweet, innocent, kids, well-adjusted 13 year old attended a sleepover with his friends  All the boys there, including my son, covered their nipples in peanut butter and had the family dog lick it off.  I told my son not to do that even if the dog loved the peanut butter.  Do you think this is something I should discourage or am I overreacting? - Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom:  Should you be concerned?  Only if you don’t want your kid to be a freak.   Kids letting dogs lick peanut butter of their nipples?  Let me warn you, this is a gateway licking.  And the end of the road is bacon in the anus no matter how you cut it.

Now don’t go blaming us dogs either.  Sure the dog licked the peanut butter off the  nipples but believe me, we have licked worse off of much worse.  Peanut butter off the nipples is nothing.  (Note:  Dog food connoisseurs recommend a nice bowl of toilet water after peanut butter served upon nipples.)

You have to sit down and have a long conversation with this kid.  While I don’t have any position on same sex marriage I know those who argue against it always bring up the point that the next step is people marrying their animals and peanut butter off the nipples is the first step to that.

And, if you can, find out how the boys discovered that this was enjoyable.  Was one boy waking with some peanut butter and another kid was walking around shirtless, they bumped into one another and the first one said “you got peanut butter on my nipple,” and the second one said “you got nipple on my peanut butter,” and then the dog jumped up and said “two great tastes that go great together,” and licked it up.  

       Either way, lady, I think you got a house of circus freaks.

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