The mean man who lives in our village, a couple of streets over from our house, is rampaging against dogs in the neighborhood again, so we are boycotting walking past his house, even though it was my favorite bowel movement spot. Apparently, the man did not appreciate the high ratings he got on Yelp for BM’s, and he called the police.
He did not call the police on us. We usually walk at night, and his big Mr. Magoo glasses barely keep his vision working in daylight, never mind at night. What caused the phone call was that the mean man’s rocks were wet from pee. For most men, this is a sign that they have to start sitting down when they pee but the mean man thought is necessary to call the police.
Most policemen would try to calmly settle trivial problems like this but a small city renegade cop, who thinks he is on the Shield showed up and sided with Mr. Wet Rocks.
He told Mr. Wet Rocks to take pictures of any dog who is pooping or peeing on his property, and Officer Unfriendly would deal with the people. Mr. Wet Rocks was pleased with the response and prepared by getting out his tripod, his original Kodak camera, his big black cloth, and his rectangular exploding flash, and hoped that a dog would come by so he could catch the culprit in action.
I do not want to have a picture taken of me in the middle of pooping, especially a picture that is going to be developed in a dark room over a period of six days. Plus the exploding flash is sure to scare Pocket. So we are not going by the wet rocks anymore. So long favorite pooping spot.
We now walk in the other direction, away from the houses where recently emboldened, disgruntled, elderly people are ready to seek justice against any perceived wrongdoing involving precious bodily fluids.
Meanwhile, Mr. Wet Rocks is railing against the less cute dogs in the neighborhood. He called the Board of Health to say that his yard was being used as a sewage dump for dogs causing more government officials to visit our quiet little village and disrupt our peaceful day. He showed them his wet rocks but the Board of Health was not impressed.
The pee mail has been filled with urgent pleas to avoid Mr Wet Rocks who is off his rocker. I tell my friends to come pee at the old barn at the front of the property and the manager told my parents that they might put in a dog park just for the pups who live here.
But if you see a man with wet rocks next to a mean cop go the other way.