After eight months of winter, I had finally reached my freezing point. I wanted spring, and I wanted it now.
After three winters in the Northeast I have learned what brings spring: Flowers. I was sick of the flowers staying in the ground. It was time for a flower pep talk.
One morning Pocket and I were brought out on our leads for an opening pee. Pocket sniffed around the grass looking for the proper spot. I slipped into the garden and looked down at the flowers.
“Alright you lazy bums,” I barked. “You listen to me. It is time for you to stop hiding under the ground and show yourselves. I know the world is a scary place and none of us know if the sun is going to rise tomorrow but if I have to be here then so do you. So help me God, if I don’t see some buds tomorrow, I am digging you up myself.” Then I peed on them like a blackmailing Russian hooker.
The next morning I revisited the garden. I didn’t see any sprouts. I was ready to lay paw into the garden. Then I saw one tiny shoot. “Who are you?” I asked.
“I’m Bob,” the shoot said.
“Hi Bob, where are your friends?”
“They sent me out first to see how things are. It’s kind of cold here.”
“Of course it’s cold. You flowers drive the cold away.”
“No, we don’t. We wait for the warm to come up.”
“Hey! I’m no arguing semantics here. Tomorrow I want to see more of you little shoots, or I am introducing you to my front paws Lou, and my back paws Seal and you do not want to meet Lou Seal.”
The next morning there were a few more shoots but not enough to make winter flee. “What is your problem?” I asked.
“We’re still cold,” he said.
“Listen, you need to get your act together and start sprouting you bunch of pansies!”
“Actually we’re lilacs.”
“Don’t sass me!” I yelled, peed, and went back in the house.
A couple of mornings later the flowers were in bloom. I thanked them. The next day it was warm and sunny. As I passed the flowers I told them that I was right, they did bring the sun and warm weather. As I was walking away, I thought I heard one of them call me a dumb dog. I showed them Lou and Seal to quiet them.
To my neighbors in the Northeast, I want you to know that you don’t have to thank me for bringing the warm weather. Just remember you owe me.