The Ruby Rose Report: Stinky Unwashed People

I prefer a house that is quiet, and since my parents are wildly unpopular it is always silent here, since the only people who come over are Mommy’s brother and sister-in-law who come for dinner every couple of months. I show my displeasure by boycotting everyone until the start to eat and then I love them more than Elon Musk loves jumping.

So I was very disturbed when a noise that sounded like a Karen who mistakenly turned on MSNBC and then the remote broke, It roared, it shrieked, it called the cable company.

My parents both said “What the hell is that?” They ask this a lot, and there is never an answer.

The noise was coming from the laundry room, which is also where my pee pads are, which is a problem, because I need it quiet so I can concentrate when I perform my bodily functions.

The terrible noise was coming from the washing machine. “It’s busted,” I growled. They stopped it, unplugged it, and plugged it back in, because that’s the way white people think everything is fixed. It isn’t.

They played with the dials, and spun the drum, which did nothing because,
 “It’s busted.”

“Let’s see if we can make it happen again,” they agreed. This is what humans say when something happens, and it only works with making fire and discovering sex, never of which they can never stop doing.

They ran the washer again. The good news: There was no noise, the bad news: it didn’t spin. 

I guess that’s important. 

My parents said they needed a new washer, and fast before they ran out of clothes.

I never run out of clothes. I own one outfit and wear it all the time: To bed, outside, even when I crap. People have to change at least once a day, and some people more, like they think they’re Taylor Swift on the Era’s Tour.

Me, in my one outfit, don’t smell. Most animals don’t. So why do humans?

Because of dogs.

It is very hard for dogs to tell their humans because in a standing position we would have to recognize our parents by their knees, which is even harder because they keep changing their pants.

So, we prayed for an easier way for dogs to identify their people, and the God Lord gave them, smell, and the humans were so offended they have been bathing and washing clothes ever since.

People, do yourself a favor, let your stink rise, your dogs will appreciate it.