Ask Aunt Foley in 3D

Dear Aunt Foley: I know you normally don’t answer humans’ questions but I need your help. I was a happily confirmed bachelor. I played trumpet in a band and I enjoyed bowling. Then I met a wonderful woman and her cute dog and I fell in love. I soon asked her to be my wife. Everything was wonderful. I even taught her how to bowl. She did OK her first couple of times, but now she has beaten me three times in a row. Now Foley, I love my fiancee and her dog but I was very proud of my bowling. What should I do?
Romey’s Dad

Dear Romey’s Dad: I had to do some research on human relations and I have found out your problem. Your bowling is off because your ball is larger than it was before you became engaged. I read in the New England Journal of Medicine that once a man puts a ring on it shared recreational activity slows down and a man’s balls grow larger. After he has been married a few years it may get better because according to my research “after several years of marriage men’s balls are the size of bowling balls.” That should return your game to normal. But if his bowling ball suddenly turns blue, he needs to consult a dogtor.

Dear Aunt Foley: I am a very young pup. Recently I lost some teeth. I am concerned about this because I like my teeth. I use them for chewing food and chewing food is my favorite thing to do. Should I be worried about the lost teeth?
Dexter

Dear Dexter: When you are a young pup and you lose your teeth they grow back. If you are an older pup like me they don’t grow back when you lose them. But when they snip your goodies, those never grow back, so it you still have them then treasure them, treasure them like there is no tomorrow.

Dear Aunt Foley: Honestly, I thought Mommy and I were playing a game. I would get in the tub, she would lather me up, and then I would jump out and run around the house getting everything wet. She would run after me yelling. Oh the good times we had. Well apparently I was wrong. Mommy didn’t see it as a game at all. And now she has told Daddy that he has to take me out of the house to get a bath. In public! It’s like I will have to wear a giant bandana with B embroided on it for bath. What can I do?
Koda

Dear Koda: Oh how I envy you. I am too small to get out of the tub. But it sounds like a fun game. I wish I could do it. But your Mommy is acting like a wet rag. But don’t worry. You have an ally. Your Daddy. Just convince him to do what most men do best: do everything wrong. Don’t have him rinse you off your dry you. Have him put you in Mommy’s seat in the car and get it all wet and dog smelling. After this happens a few times your Mommy will get mad at him and decide she needs to do it herself. And you’ll be back in the tub.

Is Foley a Dumba? A Foley and Pocket Text Conversation

Pocket: Foley, I talked with Mommy and there is something we need to discuss.

Foley: I have told you to stop texting me.

Pocket: I know but I am afraid if I have this conversation with you in person you will nip me.

Foley: Well hurry up. I am in the middle of a game of Paws With Words with Logan.

Pocket: Mommy, Daddy and I think you have become a Dumba.

Foley: Are you calling me dumb?

Pocket: No. You know what a Rumba is?

Foley: It’s one of those freaky little spaceships things that clean the floor.

Pocket: Well Mommy and me think you’re the dog version of that.

Foley: What is the supposed to mean?

Pocket: Because you spend half the night licking the floors.

Foley: Oh that is not true.

Pocket: It is Foley. You have a lick addiction.

Foley: I do not!

Pocket: After we go out for our 9:00 PM pee you begin to lick the entire house. You start on the kitchen floor, then you move to the living room rug and hardwood floor.

Foley: Oh that is an exaggeration.

Pocket: It is not, you’re a serial licker. You lick here, you lick there, once I caught you licking Daddy’s underwear.

Foley: Oh well you lick your own butt.

Pocket: Oh so do you. Licking our butt is what separates us from the lower species.
Foley: That and the lower species pick up our crap and give us room and board for free.

Pocket: Don’t change the subject. We need to get back to your serial licker.

Foley: I do it to help Mommy clean the floors.

Pocket: Aha! Then you are a Dumba. And Mommy does not need help cleaning the floors. Her floors are so clean you can eat of them.

Foley: Well we do.

Pocket: True. But Mommy and I are concerned about your licking.

Foley: I like to lick. I like the taste of things. Sometimes you find little crumbs of food.

Pocket: Dumba! You’re a Dumba!

Foley: I am not dignifying this any more. I am powering down. Oh, and Pocket go lick yourself.

Pocket: At least I’m not licking the bathroom floor.

Foley: Sicko!

Pocket: Sicki!

Note: If you know any dogs who are Dumbas like Foley please have them contact 1-800-DUMBAS. There are Dumba support groups going on around the country. Remember the motto for Dumba Anonymous. Dog’s tongues are to clean our anuses, not our floors.

Per Hattie Mae, We are the March 25, 2012 Pup of the Week

Usually we do not take any outside suggestions for Pup of the Week. But this week Hattie Mae sent us this suggestion, and when it is Hattie Mae, well, you have to give in to her or your will get a nasty nip in the butt. So here is what Hattie Mae sent us. Although we don't feel we are worthy here is Hattie's Mae blogging on why we should be Pups of the Week

By Hattie Mae:

We all tend to take things, or furiends, for granted. Never giving a second thought to efforts and time devoted to making sure we all feel safe, happy and loved.

When things got crazy over at that other realm, some of us fled, others were tossed out of the gates without so much as a tribunal to hear their case. We were lost and missing our true furiends. We wandered the streets, confused, hungry and lonely.

Little did we know that two small, but powerful forces, were at work finding a safe house for us. Foley and Pocket. They sniffed around and found just the spot. The rent was cheap, the neighborhood was safe and it came with a great security system. The tiny gals, rolled up their sleeves and gave the place a good cleaning, hung some frilly curtains, got some modest furnishings from the Goodwill. Soon they got the word out to the outcasts that there was a safe haven for them to come to.

One by one we began to come. We felt safe. We could trust again. We urged our furiends to come and they did. They told 2 furiends, who in turn they told 2 furiends and so the community grew.

As we approach the Three Year Anniversary of the Tanner Brigade (May) I want to be sure that we all take a moment and thank Foley and Pocket for giving us a small slice of heaven. No matter what is going on in their lives they continue to make sure we are comfortable and happy.

So we, the members of the Tanner Brigade want to acknowledge Foley and Pocket as our Pup(s) of the week!

Grandpaw in need of prayers

Our grandpaw, our Daddy’s Daddy, the man who purchased Daddy’s first dog, Barney, whose diary we sometimes read from (a diary is what dogs wrote in before the Big Giant Dog created the blog), and who has come over every Tuesday for dinner, providing the basis for my book “Tuesdays with Edgar” (my grandpaw, for those who have not read the story before, is responsible for Daddy having the name Edgar, because, while Daddy’s Mommy was being wheeled away to have her litter, his Daddy yelled to her to name him “anything but Edgar” and, because of a squeaky wheel, all she heard was Edgar) is in the hospital and we don’t know when he’ll be released and give me my next chapter of my Tuesdays book.

I should point out that the recent circumstances surrounding his medical condition has caused me, personally, lap time, and, even worse, bed snuggle time, as my pawrents have spent long nights at the hospital, not returning home until the high numbers of the single digits. But since Mommy and Daddy both love him, I can’t begrudge them their time with him, although I have kept track of bed time owed, and will collect.

It began one afternoon when Granpaw called with back pain. I was put on my blanket and Pocket shoved in her crate. Our pawrents were away for a long time. I kept checking my watch and getting angrier. When they came home they told me about Grandpaw. He had a kidney stone. Ouch. I forgave them for being late.

He was in the hospital for two days, went home, and two nights after that we were placed and shoved again, because Grandpaw could not pee. They ended up doing the equivalent of the thermometer up the butt to us, but it wasn’t his butt, and during insertion, the Nurse said “oops” and ran out of the room to get another nurse.

He had the stone out and that night he spent with us which iwas cool because we love having guests sleep over. He slept in the bed we have for our grand girl babies with the Princess sheets so the emasculation he received from the tube up the yoohoo continued. Pocket wanted to sleep with him but Grandpaw had never slept with a pup before, some humans never truly learn the pleasures of life.

Grandpaw went home but a few days later Daddy had to leave when Grandpaw fell down. He didn’t have to go to the hospital then, but the next day he went to get the emasculator pulled out. He had to wait a long, long time. The nurse finally came in and said they had to fill his bladder by pouring water the wrong way down the tube. She then left the room and the water poured right back out. The nurse came back in, ripped out the catheter, and had him stand, which is hard for him, with his pants around his ankles and a cup in his hand, for 15 minutes seeing if he could pee. He kept asking to see the doctor but he was torturing new people. Finally they let him leave when Daddy got mad. We don’t want to say the name of the doctor. That wouldn’t be right. Especially when all you have to do is provide a link HERE

Since that day Grandpaw kept getting worse. His feet became more and more swollen. His belly and thighs became swollen too. He had terrible, crippling, back pain. When Daddy took him to his primary doctor after lots of tests the doctor told him he didn’t know what was wrong. Mommy and Daddy, and Grandpaw, asked for Grandpaw to be admitted but his doctor said no. So they brought the poor man back to his house.

Daddy checked with him in the morning. He said he was having more trouble moving but was determined to get through the day. That night Daddy had his Fantasy Baseball Draft. The only fantasy is that Daddy is ever going to win money. Anyway at the start of the draft Grandpaw fell down in his house. He landed face first in his chair, next to the phone and was able to call for help. Auntie went with him to the hospital. Daddy stayed at his draft, texting and drafting, which may explain why he has three quarters of the Yankee infield.

Grandpaws’ prognosis is not great. He has an aortic aneurysm. He also is in the beginning stages of heart failure. They have been able to remove a lot of fluid from his legs, close to 20 pounds of it. But his legs are damaged so he is going to have to go to a nursing home for rehabilitation. Like many of our pawrents’ pawrents this is their biggest fear. Like our fear of something happening to our pawrents and us being left at the pound.

So we are asking our puppy friends for prayers, because no prayers are better than puppy prayers. Pray that Grandpaw is able to get up and around and is able to come to our house again so I can finish my Tuesday with Edagr blog.

It would be greatly appreciated.

The Doggyspace Drinking Game

Our blogs is growing in popularity but Pocket, my marketing representative ,has told me that we are not attracting the all important 18-24 group. Pocket has done intensive research on this group and she has found they are interested in two activities: Getting drunk and falling down. To capture this all important group we introduce the Tanner Brigade Drinking Game. For the uninitiated a drinking game is when you take a drink when something happens during a movie. For example in Marley and Me you drink whenever someone says Marly.

In the Doggyspace Drinking Game you take a drink when the following happens:

When Tommy Tunes does a wonderful portrait of a pup: Take a drink.

When you get something wonderful from Hannah Banana: Take a drink.and buy one for her.

When Lil Guy posts and adorable picture: Take a drink and post a picture of you doing it.

When the Min Pin Gang post a blog about their conversation with the owners about getting the new server working: Take a drink.while you are waiting for it to load.

When Anna Nicole dresses up pretty:: Take a drink.and wolf whistle.

When Keri’s Kookies sends you some cookies: Take a drink.then send Keri one

When Pokey and Maggie’s Mom needs an operation on an appendage: Take a drink.

When Baarney or Cali take a drink: Take a drink and buy one for Baarnry and CaIi.

When Pocket drinks and pees on the floor: Take a drink and pee on the floor.

When Czar eats the cone of shame: Take a drink and bless ingenuity.

When the Matesta Pack saves another dog: Take a drink.and toast them.

When Fonzie Tuxedo saves a soul: Take a drink and praise the Lord.

When Wishbone reminds us all why we rescue dogs Take a drink buy one for all the dogs in shelters.

When the Killer K-9’s whack a mole: Take a drink and hide under the bed.

When Hans gets another good report from the doctor: Take a drink and celebrate/

When a friend sends you a gift: Take a drink and send one back

When Leo leave a George Clooney quality picture on the photo page: Take a drink and sigh (girls only)

When Mollie finds a new spot in the sun room: Take a drink and fall down in the sun.

When Pintus and Rain survive and earthquake: Take a drink and pray.

When Crystal wins a fashion show and goes on a dog walk: Take a drink and dress up.

The Tanner Brigade Drinking Game

Our blogs is growing in popularity but Pocket, my marketing representative ,has told me that we are not attracting the all important 18-24 group. Pocket has done intensive research on this group and she has found they are interested in two activities: Getting drunk and falling down. To capture this all important group we introduce the Tanner Brigade Drinking Game. For the uninitiated a drinking game is when you take a drink when something happens during a movie. For example in Marley and Me you drink whenever someone says Marly.

In the Tanner Brigade Drinking Game you take a drink when the following happens:

When Hattie Mae poses in a new fashion: Take a drink.

When Hobo Hudson has problems with his work force: Take a drink.

When Sandy, Nikki and Maggie get visited by their neighboring dog: Take a drink.

When Romey’s Mom beats his Dad at bowling: Take a drink.

When Copernicus gets to go somewhere none of us would be allowed: Take a drink.

When Molly Mayhem runs away or destroys a piece of furniture: Take a drink.

When Pokey and Maggie’s Mom needs an operation on an appendage: Take a drink.

When Baarney or Cali take a drink: Take a drink and buy one for Baarny and CaIi.

When Pocket drinks and pees on the floor: Take a drink and pee on the floor.

When Lou ee posts a funny picture of video: Take a drink and eat popcorn.

When Lily, Moe, Scooter, Jack, Jill or Clementine and the Girls wear a hat: Take a drink.

When Chelsea complains about Ashton: Take a drink and kiss a sibling.

When Chappy performs a command on cue: Take a drink and sit.

When Brody steals food from Blake: Take a drink and have a Cheerio.

When Blazer brings great food to a party: Take a drink and dive into the food.

When Smoochy balls change color: Take a drink and after four hours call your Doctor.

When Shiloh goes to Sonic: Take a drink and have a burger.

When Shiloh’s Space suggests a nice idea for another dog: Take a drink and look to the stars.

When Koli and Feli leave us a confusing clue: Take a drink it might help.

When sweet Shadow goes on a car ride: Take a drink but don’t drive.

When Lilykins leaves a funny comment: Take a drink. The more you drink the funnier her comments are.

When Zoe Boe does a Hump Day Funny: Send her a drink because we need more Hump Day funnies.

When Benjamin and Butkus tussle: Take a drink then call 911.

When Reba, Dodger and Logan’s Mom runs a mile: Take a drink and rest.

When Leo leave a George Clooney quality picture on the photo page: Take a drink and sigh (girls only)

When Mollie finds a new spot in the sun room: Take a drink and fall down in the sun.

When Paco has no idea what reference I have made: Take a drink and pretend you know what I’m talking about.

When Pintus and Rain survive and earthquake: Take a drink and pray.

When Crystal wins a fashion show and goes on a dog walk: Take a drink and dress up.

When Scooter and Molly speak to their Mom through a puppy communicator have them ask for drinks for all of us.

Leo is our March 18, 2012 Pup of the Week

One of the reasons I ran up to my Mom and picked her out to be my human is that I knew she was going to need a lot of comfort and nursing in the coming years. I was right, of course. Two knee replacements, foot surgery, wrist surgery, and breast cancer. At times I thought I had bit of more than I could chew, but no, I chewed it up just fine, and took excellent care of my Mom, nursing her to health each time.

When she had physical therapy Pocket and I jumped right in to help. She had to do several leg lifting exercises and I was right there on her thigh to add resistance. When she had to hold her leg up in the air for a certain amount of time Pocket would slip under it to make sure she got some extra torture.

Recently I got contacted by one of my favorite boys: Leo. He told me his Mom has some nasty shoulder problems. This has been going on for awhile. She had all sorts of scans and tests. Finally they told her that she had a frozen shoulder. Oh boy. I love frozen shoulder. You lick it, and lick it, until you get to the meat, and then it’s good eating. But apparently it’s not that kind of frozen shoulder. I suggested Leo lie on the shoulder and use all that Chow heat to warm it up but he said when he climbed on her shoulder she yelped in pain. I don’t know what to do now. Wait for summer?

She also has a HAGL tear. Now this made me angry because every time I play Words With Paws and try to use HAGL I am told it is not a word. So I doubt this doctor’s diagnosis but Leo swears it’s proper. The doctor can operate on the shoulder but he wants to wait until the frozen shoulder melts. So the doctor, Leo, and his Mom, are like dogs with a Frosty Paw. We have to wait until it becomes unfrozen before we can enjoy it.

What Leo’s Mom has to do is improve the range of motion in her shoulder. I have told Leo he should be in charge of his Mom’s physical therapy. What better way to increase the range of motion than to play fetch with a pup? His Mom could also build up strength in the shoulder by playing tug of war with Leo. Walks are also excellent physical therapy. Not the walking part, but where Leo chases every butterfly, squirrel, or napkin he sees. The jerking of her shoulder back and forth should loosen everything up nicely.

I am hoping Leo helps his Mom get better soon. She has done so many wonderful paintings for us, and for our friends, that for her not be able to have an outlet for her work has to be very frustrating, and that frozen shoulder is keeping our beauty from being captured for posterity. So I am asking you to pray that Leo’s Mom’s shoulder problems are over soon and she can go back to a normal life and doing her wonderful art work.

Out of the great respect for Leo and his Mom I am starting a new group called Medical Dogtors for all us dogs who take care of, nurse, and help with physical therapy with our Moms. And if our Moms want to go there to complain about their ailments and see if other Moms are going through the same thing, or have gone through it, we will let them. And don’t forget to leave a kind word for handsome Leo and his Mom.