It has been suggested that I help our friends from other nations understand the Fourth of July. I am sorry I am late writing this but I found out what happens when you stick a bottle rocket up a Yorkie’s butt. It took me half the day to find where Pocket landed. But now that Pocket is home, safe, sound, and singed I may begin.
Hobo Hudson has presented to Foley and Pocket the Declaration of Dogdependence. Foley is reading it aloud.
Hobo reading: “When in the Course of puppy events, it becomes necessary for dogs to dissolve the bandwidths which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of dogkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”
Foley: Hobo, I have no idea what that means.
Hobo: We are telling Levi that we have to separate from his web site because we have the natural born right to be free.
Foley: Well let’s just say that, let’s just say Levi, we want nuthin’ to do with you we wanna have our own site, so fooey.
Hobo: Foley, words have power, and we need to show Levi that well crafted, intelligently chosen language can clearly explain a position contrary to that held by the reader.
Pocket: Or I could poo on the page.
Hobo: I think the words are enough Pocket.
Pocket: OK, but one poo is worth a thousand words.
Hobo reading: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all dogs are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Frosty Paws. That to secure these rights, web sites are instituted among dogs, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Web Site becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the dogs to alter or abolish it and to institute a new Web Site, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Web Sites long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown, that dogs are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Websites, and to provide new Guards for their future security.”
Foley: What is an usurpation? If I was usupartated I am sure I would remember it.
Pocket: When I was six months I was usupartated. Mommy did it so I won’t litter.
Hobo: No Pocket, it means to take a dog’s rights away from them.
Foley: Well if you’re just going to make up words Hobo I don’t think there is any point to writing this.
Hobo: I am not making up words. We are saying that Levi abused his power as site owner and that we have freedom to bark, and freedom to start our own website and govern ourselves.
Pocket: Sounds like a lot of work. Perhaps I can just go and fart in his general direction until he leaves the room and then we can take over.
Foley: Excellent idea Pocket, a coup de fart.
Hobo: I still think a well thought out, well written declaration of principles is more appropriate. He began reading again: “Such has been the patient sufferance of these Profiles; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Web Site Management. The history of Levi is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these profiles. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world. He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good. He has forbidden his website to pass community guidelines of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so…..”
Hobo: No, this is important, this is where we list our grievances against Levi.
Foley: Here’s out only grievance, Levi is a douche!
Hobo: Again there are more delicate, intelligent ways of saying that……Oh man Pocket took a poo on the declaration.
Pocket: No I didn’t.
Hobo: There are only three of us here and it wasn’t Foley or I.
Foley: sniffing the poo. Yeah, chicken and poo, that’s Pocket.
Pocket: Hey she who smelt it dealt it.
Foley: Let me scrape it off. Foley scrapes it off.
Pocket: Well I’m sorry, I was usurpatated as a pup.
Hobo picks up the document
Hobo: “We, therefore, the Representatives of the Tanner Brigade, in General Agreement, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of the good Profiles, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Profiles are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent Pups; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the Doggyspace, and that all political connection between them and Doggyspace, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent Sites, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent Web Sites may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.”
Foley: What does this mean exactly?
Hobo: It means poo on Levi.
Pocket: Well I did that!
Foley: So we are free.
Hobo: Yes we are. Like our Mommies and Daddies forefathers did with England when they sent a similar letter to King George declaring their independence on July 4, 1776 which is when the United States of America was created.
Foley: Yes, I have heard of that.
Pocket: So do I, that is when John Hancock took a big dump on the paper and sent it to King George.
Foley: Speaking of which I have to leave my John Hancock on the front lawn. God job Hobo, send it off.
Foley and Pocket leave the room.