Saturday, July 25, 2009

Kibbles and Bits

Why do humans need universal health care? What about universal dog care? I mean the Lord blessed them with speech, opposable thumbs, the ability to put on a band air, and they still can’t manage to agree on their own health care. And these are the ones we are dependant on for our own health care? What has been their greatest achievement in dog care? The head cone. They stick our little heads in big cones so we get humiliated whenever we turn around and clunk our cone. I think when it comes to health care, the entire country is wearing a giant cone.

Mommy and Daddy went away to Wolfeboro New Hampshire last weekend and left me at my sister Kim’s house. They have this great big beastly dog named Riley. His mouth is bigger than my butt and that is never a good ratio. But we got along good. My cousin Bailey the Shih Tzu was there. She is 11 years old and at night when she sleeps with her Mommy she wears diapers because she’s sprung a leak. Is this my future? Are we going to get Pocket out of diapers and slip them on me? I shudder at the thought. We slept with our grandbabies Maddie and Meghan. They take up less of the bed than Mommy and Daddy but don’t give off snuggle like they do. I think it takes a long time for humans to learn how to give off good snuggle. I enjoyed my time there but I was real glad to be back home ‘cause home is where I wanna be.

I think Mommy and Daddy had a good time there. Daddy was using his cane in his right hand, with his one bad knee, and Mommy, who has two bad knees, was holding his left hand for support and the two of them stumbled around like a pair of zombies with Daddy trying to put all his weight on his right side, while Mommy was yanking on his left side rocking him like a weeble. Makes me wonder why they left me to go on vacation. Mommy and Daddy really enjoyed their stay at the Wolfeboro Inn but don’t tell anyone because they don’t allow dogs so we should all hate the place.

The other night Daddy took me out to do my business when our neighbor, the squirrel hater, comes out with a piece of paper in his hand. He says that the space shuttle is about to go overhead in the Northern sky. Daddy said something about that being interesting and looked up in the sky giving me the privacy I demand. Our neighbor said, in his hey dumb butt voice, “North’s over there!” Daddy turned his head and saw a small light streaking across the sky and told our neighbor that it was the space shuttle and our neighbor got very excited. I looked up, and thought about those astronauts, floating around, chasing their own poop. I was so close to the dream, yet so far.

I saw on the news last night that the police raided Staples and confiscated their shredders in their ongoing investigation of Princess’ deletion. It seems that Staples could be facing charges if their shredders malfunctioned causing Princess’ deletion. There are also rumors that police removed hundreds of shredders of different strength and sizes from the castle. I will keep you all informed as more information becomes available.

Mommy and Daddy bought us two new Nyla Dental Bones today. They were about $7.00 each. Exactly what is Nyla putting in these bones to make them so expensive? Don’t get me wrong. I love them. But they are kind of just a hunk of plastic. I think I’m telling Daddy to but stock in Nyla. They are making money teeth over gums.
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Thursday night Daddy’s Mommy got up in the middle of the night and walked into the side of her door, hit her face, and fell backwards on her bed. She awoke Daddy’s Dad which isn’t as easy you’d think since he sleeps in her closet. Really. He’s been sleeping there since Daddy was a boy because his snoring keeps her up. Since they have a big closet they put a bed in there and he sleeps there. This caused Daddy some problems as a child since he spent every day worried that someone in school would find out that, on this very morning, his Daddy had come out of the closet.

Anyway, I am sure you all want to know what the Doctor said but remember, this is Daddy’s family, so she didn’t go to the Doctor. She has a bruised face and can’t walk without a cane but they want to see how she does in a couple of days before they decide if she should see the Doctor. Daddy’s Daddy said that his Mom doesn’t want to get x-rays because when you’re hurt the x-ray technicians twist you into a pretzel because they don’t care about the patients, they only want to get their danm picture. While Daddy’s Daddy was telling him this on the phone Daddy was smacking himself in the head.

Today Daddy talked to his Mommy and she said she was doing good, but was still walking with a cane and had pain in her upper legs. She still wouldn’t go to the doctors because she didn’t want pills that would make her “loopy.” She also said that when it hurt she always had frozen pee. Daddy was worried that she was getting stuck on the toilet as everything turned to ice, and loyal readers will know the history of that toilet. No one wants to ice pick their Mom off a toilet seat. But she meant frozen peas. When her legs hurts she takes frozen peas out of the freezer and puts them on her legs.

And these are the people we trust our health care with.

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