Foley and Kate Plus 8
CAMERA SHOWS FOLEY AND KATE SITTING ON THE COUCH TOGETHER AT THE END OF THE EPISODE.
Kate: Well, I hope you’re happy Foley, you ruined the children’s trip to Chuck E. Cheese.
Foley: Look lady, I’m a Terrier. I see a giant rat I attack.
Kate: You scared the children terribly. When you had his ankle in your mouth and you were shaking his leg, and stuffing was flying everywhere, I have never seen the children so upset. Jon never bit a pizza parlor’s mascot on the leg, I can say that for the man.
Foley: How was I to know a giant rat was going to be there?
Kate: The name of the place is Chuck E. Cheese what did you think?
Foley: I thought the mascot would be I giant block of cheese. Why didn’t they name the place Chuck E. Rat?
Kate: It took me all day to calm Mady down.
Foley: Oh please, do not get me started on Mady, that kid needs to be tested.
Kate: I don’t believe you just said that! We agreed we would not discuss Mady on camera.
Foley: Oh for heaven’s sake! The viewers can see what’s going on. If you don’t do something that kid’s is going to be going to school on a bus shorter than me.
Kate: The only thing wrong with Mady is having to see her father paraded all over the cover of Us Weekly.
Foley: Bitch please. The kid covered herself with balls and hid in the bottom of the pit and the only reason we found her was my ability to sniff her out and not once did you say thank you. I didn’t even get a treat. Strange dog off the street finds your kid at the bottom of a pit you would have given them a treat, the dog you share your bed with, nothing!
Kate: I’m sorry, I’m sorry I expected my partner to rescue our child. Obviously I’m the one. I expect too much.
Foley: Oh climb off the cross, we can use the wood to build another one of those freaky crooked houses.
Kate: You are just really so unbelievable.
Foley: Yeah, sure, I’m unbelievable. By the way, next hair cut? I can get you an appointment with my groomer, if you like.
Kate: I am not even going to dignify that with a response. I don’t spend all day with personal grooming. While I’m out there with the kids having a picnic you’re in here licking your toes.
Foley: I’m sorry, I need my me time. I just can’t stick my head in a wood chipper each morning and be ready to go.
Kate: You know for the first time you are making me miss John.
Foley: Well now you finally understand how your children feel.
Kate: They don’t miss their father anymore than they miss their baby teeth.
Foley: Oh don’t get me started on their baby teeth. The tooth fairy had to get a bailout from Obama to keep up with your toothless brood.
Kate: Oh and you don’t like multiple birth Moms? So that wasn’t your picture in In Touch magazine with the Octo-mom?
Foley: We both happened to be coming out of Tavern on the Green at the same time. I barely know the woman.
Kate: Oh please, with your love of crap filled diapers, a woman with eight infants is a dream come true for you.
Foley: Well she probably doesn’t have that weird stick in the bottom drawer of her nightstand.
Kate: I told you not to go into my nightstand but you did anyway.
Foley: Hey I’m a dog, sometimes I need something to chew on, and it was nice and big with ridges for my teeth, but as soon as I began chewing the danm thing began to vibrate. Scared the crap out of me.
Kate: I know I had to clean it up.
Foley: That wasn’t me that was Mady.
Kate: You know what? This isn’t working, just get down off the couch. Down, get down.
Foley: I don’t follow commands lady.
Kate: Here, look at the ball, go chase. (Kate throws the ball)
Foley: You’re drunk aren’t you?
Kate: I am going to have to get my security guard who I am definitely not having an affair with remove you from the house right now.
Foley: All right but I’m taking a steak.
Kate: Why do you get a steak?
Foley: I need to give it to my sister. Long story.
(Foley jumps off the couch and walks out of the frame)
Kate: You better leave money for that steak dog!
(Next scene John and Foley are sitting on the couch together.)
Foley: Man, I hate her.
John: Oh I hate her.
Foley: I’d like to bite her in the butt.
John: No, she likes that. And it doesn’t taste good.
Foley: Then the ankle, I’d like to rip the stuffing out of her like a rat mascot.
John: I’d like to hit her in the head with a skillet.
Foley: Oh that would be so cool. Wham. Make that squeezed in face even more smushed.
John: Then we could dig a hole in that back yard and dump her in.
Foley: We could get the kids to help, make it a family outing.
John: Oh yes, the kids hate her too.
Foley: And like the divorce you’d be killing their Mom for the kids.
John: That’s right. And thanks for covering for me with the Octo-mom.
Foley: No problem, but man, you’ve got a weird thing for chicks with wide birth canals.
John: I prefer not to talk about that.
Foley: You want to got get some drinks?
John: Who is going to stay with the kids?
Foley: You know, the producer, the boom guys, the cameras guys, the usual folk.
John: OK then let’s go.
Final scene: Kate and Pocket on the couch
Kate: You weren’t in my house five minutes before you peed on the rug.
Pocket: It was Mady.
Kate: Oh don’t lie it was not. Why did you come here anyway?
Pocket: Foley forgot the ketchup.
Kate: Well just take it and go.
Pocket: Lady you give bitches a bad name.
Kate is left on the couch alone