Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Guess who caused Tiger Woods’ Accident? Hint: Initials - FM

Late Thursday night I had Turkey belly and couldn’t sleep. I wasn’t supposed to go on the Internet after the whole sneaking into the White House State Dinner thing, but Mommy was sleeping off the wine and Daddy was sleeping off the beating Mommy gave him so I decided to see my friends online.

The first message I got was from my friend Tiger in Florida. He asked me if I wanted to go with him to a Best Buy near his home, buy the new version of Mario Brothers for Nintendo Wii, and play all day. A Friday hanging out with Tiger and playing Wii! Cool! I hopped on the computer and downloaded myself to his big, fancy house.

I jumped out his computer while he was putting golf balls into a champagne flute. “Foley my main dog!” he said smiling at me, “you ready to get a Wii and play some Mario?”

“You bet,” I said as I ran out the door into the warm Florida air and jumped on to the passenger’s seat of his SUV. Tiger hopped in, we strapped ourselves in like Batman and Robin, and Tiger backed out the driveway.

As he put the car in drive I saw Steve the Squirrel, the one who stole my balloon after Pocket’s big adventure. I had been looking for him everywhere. I wanted my danm balloon back. Without thinking I jumped out of the SUV and ran right in front of the car. Tiger saw me going after the squirrel and swerved to save me and he hit a hydrant and a tree.

“Oh my God!” I cried. I turned and saw Steve run up a tree. “Squirrel,” I said clenching my paw.

I hurried over to the SUV and was relieved to see that Tiger climbed out without a scratch. “Thank god you’re all right,” I said. Tiger’s pretty wife came running out and asked what happened.

He told her he was going to Best Buy to get Mario Brothers for Wii and she asked who he was going to play with and he motioned to me and said “this little,” and in my mind I begged “say lollipop, say lollipop,” but unfortunately he said “bitch here.”

Her eyes grew into huge red sauces. A siren sounded and smoke came out of her ears. She reached into the back of the SUV and grabbed a driver. She looked down at me. “Are you the little bitch?” she asked. “I prefer lollipop!” I said as she swung and I turned tail and ran into the house.

I looked back and she was swinging at Tiger, hitting him in the head and chest as he cried out “No, no honey, not the driver, you’re bending the shafts! You’re bending the shafts!”

I jumped on the computer and hit the codes and downloaded myself through the tubes back home. I waited outside the bedroom door for Daddy to get up to pee, then jumped up on the bed, put a paw to my lips to signal my sister to keep her mouth shut, and snuggled up with Mama to sleep.

As I drifted off to sleep I wasn’t too worried. It was a fender bender in a gated, rich community in Florida. Who would care?

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