Bob Papa: I’m Bob Papa, hello, and welcome to Vancouver Canada where it’s 76 degrees, sunny, and the Italian Ice concessions are now selling Slushies.
Lewis Johnson: And I’m Lewis Johnson, here to bring you the finals of the Bobsled competition and to remind everyone who is coming out to see the event live, bring sun screen and one of those mini fans because it’s hot out here.
Bob Papa: This year we have a first for the Winter Olympics.
Lewis Johnson: Synchronized swimming on the speed skating track.
Bob Papa: No, from the nation called, I believe, The Tanner Brigade, two dogs, Foley Monster and Pocket Dog, have been given a bye and will be competing in the finals of the Bobsled.
Lewis Johnson: It says here this Tanner Brigade is an online community. I was unaware they were allowed in the games.
Bob Papa: They weren’t until it was discovered that Liechtenstein is actually a Facebook group for Affenpinscher lovers. That opened the door to other online communities.
Lewis Johnson: Let’s go down to former Olympian John Morgan with the brave dogs.
John Morgan: Thank you Lewis, let me just put down my Pina Colada and Parasol. I am here with Foley Monster and Pocket Dog, the two members of the Tanner Brigade Bobsled team. Now have either of you ever operated a bobsled before?
Foley Monster: No sir, I just Googled dog and sports and it said sled so I knew this was the sport for me.
Pocket: Well first she tried the biathlon but she shot our neighbor.
Foley Monster: That reminds me, get well soon Tommy!
John Morgan: You do realize that in a dog sled you pull the sled but in a bobsled you ride in it?
Foley Monster: That’s the great part all we have to do is ride.
John Morgan: Foley, I think you should understand…..
Bob Papa: Sorry to interrupt your John but we have a breaking story, US Olympic ski medallist winner Lindsay Vonn had her leg crushed by a drunken Zambezi driver in the parking lot at the training facility.
Lewis Johnson: Olympic officials are saying that the accident was not caused by the drunken Zamboni driver but by walker’s error.
Bob Papa: That’s correct Lewis, just because Lindsay is an Olympic athlete doesn’t mean she can adequately walk in a parking lot.
Lewis Johnson: Especially around a cocked Zamboni driver.
Bob Papa: I know there has been a lot of criticism of the Vancouver Olympics but remember the Daytona 500 was held up because of a pot hole so no city is immune from errors when putting on a major sporting event.
Lewis Johnson: So come to Vancouver, the Daytona of the Northwest.
Bob Papa: And, given the weather this week, they should have a bumper orange crop this winter.
Lewis Johnson: Well it looks like Foley and Pocket are getting ready for their run.
Bob Papa: Pocket will be pushing and Foley driving.
Lewis Johnson: Pocket is digging her little paws in, and I think she’s got it going.
Bob Papa: And they’re off. Foley and Pocket have allowed us to mike them for this ride so let’s take a listen.
Foley: Weee, this is great.
Pocket: OK, we’ve got a turn coming up, make sure you steer into it.
Foley: Steer, how do you steer?
Pocket: I thought you studied on line last night.
Foley: I was going to but I ended up talking to Hattie Mae all night.
Pocket: Look out for the turn.
Foley and Pocket; AIIIEEEEEEEEEEE.
Bob Papa: Well the Tanner Brigade team is making great time.
Lewis Johnson: They are, but there seems to be some yellow liquid discharge coming from the back.
Bob Papa: That looks like pee.
Lewis Johnson: If anyone knows pee it’s Papa. And now there is something brown.
Bob Papa: Papa know poo too.
Lewis Johnson: I think this is great stratergy by the Tanner Brigade team to lessen the weight in the sled.
Bob Papa: Either that or they are scared shitless.
Lewis Johnson: Let’s listen in to them.
Foley Monster: Hit the brake, hit the brake
Pocket: What’s a brake?
Foley Monster: Do something besides peeing and pooping.
Pocket: At least I did that weeeeee
Lewis Johnson: Ooops Pocket just got thrown from the sled.
Bob Papa: Well this isn’t the fault of the Olympic Committee at all.
Lewis Johnson: Well I can see why they call her Pocket Rocket, look at her fly.
Bob Papa: Foley, going solo, goes high into the turn, comes down, and Pocket lands right in her lap.
Lewis Johnson: Let’s take a listen.
Pocket: Holy vick I could see Russia.
Foley: Get off of me I can’t see to steer
Pocket: You haven’t been steering this whole time.
Foley: Oh my God the wall Holy mother of Lassie we’re going to die!
Lewis Johnson: High in the turn, they’re coming down, and now they’re crossing the finish line, and a new world record.
Bob Papa: Incredible, and look they’re not stopping, they’re going right over the wall.
Lewis Johnson: And they seem to be landing, oh, right on Lindsay Vonn’s Subaru.
Bob Papa: Not the fault of the folks here in Vancouver at all.
Lewis Johnson: But I think they’re all right. They are being swarmed by the other Olympians.
(A half hour later Foley and Pocket are awarded the gold medal and the Tanner Brigade anthem begins to play.)
O Tanner Bub!
Our home and Yellow Lab!
True canine love in all thy dogs command.
With glowing hearts we see thee rise,
To bark loud strong and free!
From far and wide, O Tanner Bub,
We boot up our computer for thee.
Tanner keep our site glorious and private!
O Canada, we boot up our computer for thee
O Canada, we boot up our computer for thee