Wednesday, February 10, 2010

My paws

I, the Foley Monster, have a confession, I am obsessed with my paws.

I want them to be perfect. Today we went for a short walk around the grounds. It was bitter cold. But, even in the middle of winter, I can tell the Earth is waking up. I can smell all the flowers, and new grass, growing deep in the ground, and even on the coldest days I can't help stopping to sniff. I have tried to teach Pocket to stop and smell the roses, and try to tell the anxiety level of the Maltese who just peed on them minutes earlier, but teaching the ancient skill of smelling blossoms that haven't bloomed yet is hard and Pocket hasn't experienced enough of life to be able to sense their scent.

I do love my walks. When I'm outside I am the toughest thing around. Cats,squirrels, humans, other dogs, they quiver when I pass. I enjoy the smells, oh the smells, the smells that surround me. But there is one drawback to my walks, I get bits of dirt, sand, twigs, god knows what, stuck between my piggy toes.

As soon as I get inside I jump up on the recliner and I go to work, licking each toe for ten or fifteen minutes each. First I have to get all the grossness that I brought inside out of them. Then I go to work on the grooming. I have to have the hair on my paws go down my nails, and then part over them perfectly on each side. In short, my toes need to be perfect, like Hattie Mae's. (I am so jealous of her toes.)

I just can't stop perfecting them. I think I have OCPD (Obsessive compulsive paw disorder.) I start with a little piggy toe grooming and next thing I know half the day is gone. I even sent an e-mail to the Dog Whisperer, and get this, he said that paw licking isn't something that's going to draw ratings. Personally I think it would be an excellent show. But that may be because I have a paw obsession.

Why is it? Is it because I was weaned off my Mommy's paw too early, and if I was, what the hell was I doing sucking on my Mommy's paw? What kind of litter brothers and sisters did I have that they couldn't make room for me at the teat and made me suck paw?

I have always been a bit of an obsessive licker. I love blood. If you have a paper cut bring it over. I will lick it until it stops bleeding. Then I'll start licking it again until it bleeds. I am an excellent nurse, though a bit of a sadistic one.

Mommy's slippers: Oh I love these. I lick them so much when Mommy puts her feet in them it's like they've been soaked in water.

Lately, and even I am ashamed to admit this, I've been licking Daddy's nostrils. I always lick his face, but in the last week I sneak my entire tongue into his nose and he goes "AIIIEE." It's the only thing he has made me stop licking. Sometimes he has to put his hand over his nose. It's like when I make air out of my butt after eating sausages. I'm trying to stay away from the nose because I knows he doesn't like it, but sometimes it's just there, and so inviting.

I don't know if I should get therapy. I'm not hurting anyone. Well I think I may have licked away a small bit of Daddy's brain and gave Mommy athlete's foot but outside of that it's a victimless vice.

I suppose I have to curb my enthusiasm for licking. Maybe tomorrow. Right now there's slippers and nostrils calling me and I got a little snow between my toes. Time to get busy.

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