After reading medical textbooks, searching Wikipedia from top to bottom, and watching five seasons of Grey's Anatomy I called Daddy into my office crate today to give him is diagnosis.
Even though I knew what I was going to say, I made him sit crunched up on the other side of my desk, while I looked down at his chart with my half glasses on and one of those light things on my head usually worn by spelunkers.
I think Daddy was nervous about his diagnosis because he was drumming his fingers on the floor. It also may have been that he had to twist himself into a pretzel to fit into my office. He asked me for his results but I held up a paw to cut him off and flipped through the last few pages.
There was a disagreement in the human doctors diagnosis. One said it was a umbilical hernia. The other said it was a gall bladder. Bur my conclusion was right on point. It was both!
"Both?" Daddy said. "What would make you think it was both?"
"Please don't argue with the doctor," I said. (The truth was, I didn't know which one it was so if I fixed them both how could I go wrong?)
Daddy looked at me skeptically and said he was thinking about going to a human doctor. I put my head down on my desk, looked up sadly with my brown eyes over my glasses, and gently sighed. Daddy smiled, scratched my ears, and told me if it made me happy he would be operated on by a five pound dogs with no medical training. What a good Daddy.
He began to ask me how I would perform the surgery but as a Doctor I think it is better that the patient knows as little as possible about the procedure since that's how much I know.
But, after discussing the situation with my attorney, Foley Monster, who is also representing Daddy, but as my attorney has assured me that there is no conflict, I began to think about how I would perform the surgery.
First I met with my anesthesiologist, Foley, to discuss how she would be putting Daddy under for the surgery. She said she would repeatedly hit him in the head with a skillet until he wasn't moving. Excellent.
Then I would start on the hernia. I am sharpening my dew claw so I can use it like I blade. I will then make an incision just above Daddy's belly button. Then, with my nose, I will shove his intestines above his belly button. Then I will take some tissue paper and stuff it up there to hold it in place. I will then pull the skin down. I have been gathering used floss because Daddy can never hit the bathroom trash basket (or anything else in the bathroom.) . I will take that floss, using my tongue put it through the eye, and then sew Daddy up with the floss.
Oh, but first I would have to do something about the gall bladder. Now this is what I learned about it on Wikipedia. Gall used to be French. Bladder is what makes you pee. I know this because mine is always full. Anyway, a gall bladder is a french pee holder, and Daddy isn't French, so that foreign body needs to come out. But how? Well this is what I devised.
We would tie a rope around Daddy's feet and then tie it to a beam in the cellar. Now I don't like to talk about these things but Daddy will be nekked. Now he has man parts that Foley, Mommy and Ken in Toy Story III don't have. I think if we pull his legs apart, I can take my sharp claws and dig into that thing. I will hold on with all my strength while Foley lifts him into the air by his feet. While I am being raised I will be tying a fish hook on the floss. Once Daddy is in the air I will begin the gall bladder removal.
I take the floss and drop it into the slit I made in his belly button. I slowly slip it down into his body while Foley holds up a book. It is a book about old Europe and I'm trying to tell, through my delicate sense of feel, where Gall is. Once I find it I well give it a good yank, the way you do when you catch a fish, then ease the Gall right out of his bladder, then stuff his belly button and put a strip of duct tape on there to hold everything together. Finally, my anesthesiologist will gently awaken our patient by cutting the rope and landing him on his head.
I think, after a month or two, Daddy should be back to slightly normal, which is all we expect from him now. Please don't tell him of my plans. Patients get all weird when they know a scrotum balancing dog is going to try to fish the lower part of France out of their belly button.
By the way, I am going to try to put a little camera on the fish hook so you can look forward to pictures too.
Yours in medicine: Dr. Pocket