This week Foley Monster testified before the Senate’s Animal Relations Committee. President Obama had nominated Foley to be his Ambassador to Dog. Here is partial testimony from the confirmation hearing:
Monster: I would like to thank the President for this prestigious
nomination and look forward to answering your questions. I hope to, as
Ambassador to Dog, address many of the issues facing the majority of
dogs in this country including breed discrimination, the continued
importing of tainted food from China, humans who take up too much of the
bed, missed walk times, late feeding times, and fireworks. I am ready
to take your questions:
Liberal Senator Just Happy to be on the Committee: Miss Monster, I
would like to thank you for being here, your skills as a dog are
unparalleled, and the President has shown the wisdom of Lincoln and the
boldness of Teddy Roosevelt in appointing you.
Foley Monster: Was that a question?
Liberal Senator Just Happy to be on the Committee: No I just wanted to
say I heart you, I heart the President, And hi Mom.
Conservative Senator Speaking With Southern Drawl: Ms. Foley Monster,
this committee is not impressed by your fancy dress or tail wagging. We
are just one small horse away from a dog and pony show. What I want to
ask you is in your liberal, European, Socialist opinion should the
country be concerned about climate change?
Foley Monster: Oh yes, very concerned.
Conservative Senator Speaking With Southern Drawl: Why Miss Monster
that climate change is nothing but a hoax, a way for the Socialist
administration to drive a wedge between American people and their money.
Monster: With all due respect Obstructionist Conservative Senator
Speaking With Southern Drawl just six months ago I was walking around on
a very hot day, panting, and thirsty. Now I go outside and the ice
cracks my pads, I shiver, and two days ago when I peed I got stuck to
the ground. Us dogs hate climate change. We want it 60 degrees and sunny
every day and won’t rest until it is.
Perhaps Senile or Drunk Conservative Senator From the Southwest: FOLEY
MONSTER WHAT DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD DO ABOUT CHINA? WE HAVE TO STOP
BOWING TO CHINA. WE SHOULD BLOW UP CHINA. GENERAL GAO’S CHICKEN GIVES ME
Monster: I am not friend of the Chinese. Their food is terrible and
dangerous. I know when humans eat Chinese food they need to eat again in
an hour, but if dogs eat Chinese food their owners have to buy another
dog in an hour.
Angry, Perhaps Senile or Drunk Conservative Senator From the Southwest: I WANT TO BLOW THEM ALL INTO THE SEA!
Monster: Well, that may be a little extreme for my taste but I don’t
have a problem bombing the crap out of the dog food factories.
rest of Foley’s testimony was routine and her nomination seemed certain
to be confirmed until this picture surfaced and she had to withdraw