Even after suffering the type of knee injury that would make RG3 retire from all lateral movement I cannot stop working. This week I represented Sundance a 12 year old Golden Retriever from Montana who not only ate five $100 bills belonging to his father,Wayne Klinkel, but, against the advice of the most renown dog lawyer on the planet, admitted it.
The good news is that my client was not being charged with ruining the money. I was hired to prove that Sundance had such bad teeth and poor digestion that he did not destroy the money more than 49%. According to the big book of insane human rules if there is 51% of currency remaining the government will reimburse it. Thus, I had to prove Sundance’s inability to break down 51% of what he has eaten.
Also there were questions I needed answered. Why did Wayne Klinkel have five $100.00 lying around the house? Was he a pimp, drug dealer or purveyor of strip clubs? Who has hundreds? They are a pain to get someone to break and it’s a lot harder for a dog to eat a hundred ones than a single hundred. Sounds like this money may have been a little dirty, or, since it was eaten and digested, a little too clean.
I was told the money was taken out of his feces. Feces? Why is that the acceptable word for poo? Every day in millions of conversations the words siht, crap, poo and doo doo arise. Never does anyone say feces. No “I don’t give a feces,” no “the feces hit the fan”, no “you’re in deep feces.” It’s a gross, disgusting word, much more so than the supposedly bad words it replaces. I would never eat my own feces, but poo? That’s good stuff
I fed Sundance a large plate of chicken then waited for him to digest it. Then I had my assistant Pocket take a taste of Sundance’s poo (don’t judge us. As my old law school professor Ruth Ginsburgh told me when you are a lawyer you have to eat a lot of crap for your client.) Pocket finished and told us she could not taste the chicken.
“Darn it Sundance, stop digesting so much!” I said. Sundance told me he didn’t know how to stop it. Pocket said she had an idea and consulted our Internet friend Barney Google. Google said that, during the trial, to show Sundance didn’t digest well, we should feed him hot peppers, acidic foods such as citrus fruits, tomatoes, coffee and alcoholic beverages,
Just before the case started we began pouring beef beer down Sundance’s throat. Once we got him drunk we figured it would be easier to feed him the rest of the food. But it was unnecessary. Sundance found the peppers and acidic food lovely.
We then brought our client into court. We explained what we fed Sundance and then waited for the result. A half hour later, after some court clearing flatulence Sundance produced his stools. “Pocket, go into the poo and see if you can find any undigested food,” I ordered.
“Un-huh,” she said.
“Pocket as junior partner you need to put your nose in some poo.”
Pocket muttered, went over to the poo and pulled out peppers, coffee grinds and three beer cans. I knew we should have poured the beer out first.
“Your honor, as you can see our client cannot digest food so the money should be replaced,” I said.
“It does not matter if Sundance cannot digest the food you just fed him, what matters is the money that was digested has enough of the bills left to still be considered money”
I agreed with the Judge and produced the money. The Judge asked me what was on it and I said feces.
“Feces?” the Judge yelled loudly. “I am not examining anything covered with feces. Siht, crap, doo-doo, poopies, vicks, number twos, big logs, excrement, the big deuce, sure, I will examine all of that but feces? Blech! No way.”
“So what about my money?” Mr Kinkel asked.
“With no other testimony I must side with Attorney Foley Monster and reward you the money.”
And once again, thanks to a big bill hoarding Kinkel, a dog who doesn’t know the value of money, only the taste, and food you should never feed a dog I have made legal history again.
Unfortunately my fee was a bunch of feces covered bills.