Even
after suffering the type of knee injury that would make RG3 retire from
all lateral movement I cannot stop working. This week I represented
Sundance a 12 year old Golden Retriever from Montana who not only ate
five $100 bills belonging to his father,Wayne Klinkel, but, against the
advice of the most renown dog lawyer on the planet, admitted it.
The
good news is that my client was not being charged with ruining the
money. I was hired to prove that Sundance had such bad teeth and poor
digestion that he did not destroy the money more than 49%. According to
the big book of insane human rules if there is 51% of currency
remaining the government will reimburse it. Thus, I had to prove
Sundance’s inability to break down 51% of what he has eaten.
Also
there were questions I needed answered. Why did Wayne Klinkel have
five $100.00 lying around the house? Was he a pimp, drug dealer or
purveyor of strip clubs? Who has hundreds? They are a pain to get
someone to break and it’s a lot harder for a dog to eat a hundred ones
than a single hundred. Sounds like this money may have been a little
dirty, or, since it was eaten and digested, a little too clean.
.
I
was told the money was taken out of his feces. Feces? Why is that the
acceptable word for poo? Every day in millions of conversations the
words siht, crap, poo and doo doo arise. Never does anyone say feces.
No “I don’t give a feces,” no “the feces hit the fan”, no “you’re in
deep feces.” It’s a gross, disgusting word, much more so than the
supposedly bad words it replaces. I would never eat my own feces, but
poo? That’s good stuff
I
fed Sundance a large plate of chicken then waited for him to digest it.
Then I had my assistant Pocket take a taste of Sundance’s poo (don’t
judge us. As my old law school professor Ruth Ginsburgh told me when
you are a lawyer you have to eat a lot of crap for your client.) Pocket
finished and told us she could not taste the chicken.
“Darn
it Sundance, stop digesting so much!” I said. Sundance told me he
didn’t know how to stop it. Pocket said she had an idea and consulted
our Internet friend Barney Google. Google said that, during the trial,
to show Sundance didn’t digest well, we should feed him hot peppers,
acidic foods such as citrus fruits, tomatoes, coffee and alcoholic
beverages,
Just
before the case started we began pouring beef beer down Sundance’s
throat. Once we got him drunk we figured it would be easier to feed him
the rest of the food. But it was unnecessary. Sundance found the
peppers and acidic food lovely.
We
then brought our client into court. We explained what we fed Sundance
and then waited for the result. A half hour later, after some court
clearing flatulence Sundance produced his stools. “Pocket, go into the
poo and see if you can find any undigested food,” I ordered.
“Un-huh,” she said.
“Pocket as junior partner you need to put your nose in some poo.”
Pocket muttered, went over to the poo and pulled out peppers, coffee
grinds and three beer cans. I knew we should have poured the beer out
first.
“Your honor, as you can see our client cannot digest food so the money should be replaced,” I said.
“It does not matter if Sundance cannot digest the food you just fed
him, what matters is the money that was digested has enough of the bills
left to still be considered money”
I agreed with the Judge and produced the money. The Judge asked me what was on it and I said feces.
“Feces?”
the Judge yelled loudly. “I am not examining anything covered with
feces. Siht, crap, doo-doo, poopies, vicks, number twos, big logs,
excrement, the big deuce, sure, I will examine all of that but feces?
Blech! No way.”
“So what about my money?” Mr Kinkel asked.
“With no other testimony I must side with Attorney Foley Monster and reward you the money.”
And
once again, thanks to a big bill hoarding Kinkel, a dog who doesn’t
know the value of money, only the taste, and food you should never feed a
dog I have made legal history again.
Unfortunately my fee was a bunch of feces covered bills.
