Before I became a judge, while I was on the mortal side of the River of Life, I was known as the best dog attorney in seven counties. My instinct to protect innocent dogs accused of crimes will be never be abated.
This is why I find Dog Shaming websites abhorrent. Parents act as prosecutor, judge, and jury: They find their dogs guilty and publicly shame them. I am here do defend them.
Here is my first client:
Apparently, there was poop on the bed. With no DNA testing, it is impossible to determine who pooped. Of course, the Mom said the dog did it. She would not want to admit she pooped on the bed. The proof is in the note. “Then I tucked it in.” How does a dog tuck in poop? Dogs don’t make beds. Dogs unmake beds. Also, the dog is “Not Sorry.” We dogs are always sorry even if we did nothing wrong, except if we are falsely accused. Finally, the dog has a treat bone. What human gives their dog a treat bone after pooping on the bed. Obviously, we must find this dog innocent.
This is my second client:
Check out the wording. “I ate Mommy’s Brand New Shirt!” Not just Mommy’s shirt but brand new shirt. Why are the words “brand new.” I think the mommy tore her shirt, and she tried to return it but did not have a receipt. In an attempt to get a new shirt she showed this picture to the woman at the store hoping her dog’s confession would lead to her getting a new shirt. My client will not be a party to fraud.
Presenting client number three:
No one likes a dog that is outside barking, even though it is not the dog’s fault. It should not be outside. Be I am only interested in the innocence of my client. They say you should squirt a barking dog with water to quiet him down. Well my client doesn’t have a water bottle but does have a penis. He is trying to train the barking dog and make the neighborhood more peaceful. At least his dad has a sense of humor.
My fourth client:
How does a dog steal from the trash? It is trash. Once it becomes trash, you have given up all your rights to the property. He simply removed the Wasabi from the trash. You don’t want him eating Wasabi then make sure you eat it all. There are starving children in Alaska who would love Wasabi.
Remember dogs; I am always here for you.