Attorney Foley Monster's and Professor Pocket's Full Proof Way to Beat a Doggy DNA Test

It has come to my attention that some of your higher end condo associations have asked for a stool sample from all dogs who move into their units. They get a DNA sample from the poo, and if they find poo on their precious lawns, they send a sample of it to the lab to identify the offending pooch.

This is an attack on our inalienable right to poo. Also why is it our DNA that is being brought into question? When we are born we are just as happy to poo in the house like everyone else. But we are brought outside, against our will, to poo, and if the Lord meant for us to pick it up, he would have given us op-possible thumbs. So we have to rely on our silly, forgetful humans to clean it up, and half the time they have left the bag or scooper behind, and do likewise with our poo, leading to us having to submit to DNA testing, a violation of our personal freedom. Why don’t they get DNA testing from the humans? They must shed a hair or two fleeing the poo.

But instead it is on us, our precious bodily fluids to be kept on file and to be used for who know what purposes. So I turned to Professor Pocket and asked her what we could so to help our dog friends who could be suffering such an indignity. She spent a week in her lab and I will now let her explain her latest invention: The Anus Alias.

Hello. I am Professor Pocket Dog. Are you facing a loss of privacy because a power hungry condo board wants to have your DNA on file?. Then I have the solution for you. It is the Anus Alias. If you order an Anus Alias you will get a stool sample from a purebred dog who is not on any medications and has been thoroughly dewormed. You will get our patented Anus Alias packaging containing the clean stools, the packaging to go on your belly, and hair extensions in your color to cover the apparatus. As you know all dog DNA specialists want you to poo in front of them, so this is you’re only way to guarantee the privacy of your bodily functions.

How does it work? Simple. You are going to need a parent to buckle the Anal Anus around your waist making sure the pouch is full. Then drape the hair over you back to cover the pouch. Finally have someone snap to anal alias into place under your tail. When you go into the poo room try to walk with your tail down to cover the anal anus. Of course anyone who goes into a lab room to involuntarily surrender their poo with their tail up is one sick puppy.

Now, squat as you usually do. This will force to poo from the pouch under your stomach and up the tub and then out of your alias anus. They will gather the poo, bag and tag it, test it and then assign the DNA to you. From that point on you have the freedom to poo where ever you like and the evidence cannot be traced back to you.

Also, from that point forward, the anal alias is yours to keep. Although I would not use it for another DNA testing without a thorough cleaning, you can have fun at parties. Imagine the laughs that will erupt when someone says ‘oh my gosh, Leo just pooped a turtle.’

So, get yourself an anal alias before you anus makes you have to obtain an alias.

Dr Pocket's Commencement Speech

Last week Pocket, having gained fame in her run for United States Senator, gave the commencement address at the Taunton K-9 Training Center where she received an honorary doctorate in house training. Here is the text of Pocket's speech:

"Thank you Dean Wormer, various alumni, professors,SQUIRRELS (there was a long pause as Pocket chased the squirrel up the tree and then returned to the podium) and honored dignitaries. I am humbled that you asked me to speak before you today, and for allowing me to wear this wonderful cap and gown that covers my rather embarrassing diaper.

I want all you dogs to leave herr today and begin to live your lives to the fullest, to enjoy every treat, to never leave a lap uncurled up in, to be the best dog you can possibly be.

A dog is like a 17 year old pop star, she should never sleep alone. We always need a snuggle partner, be it either furry, skinned, or some freakish combination of the two. For you parents, if you do not have room in your bed for your four legged furry friends, build a bigger bed. There is no better bed partner then something warm and furry that you love, and an electric beaver is no substitute.

Chase every ball, frisbee, or whatever your choose with your tail wagging, and barking a song. Slobber and blobber on it. Your goop will give the ball more spin. And make sure you act like this is the greatest activity ever, for two reasons, one, it makes the thrower feel good, and, two, it is.

Do not wolf you food. Chew every kibble, let each piece of chicken sit on your tongue and savor the juices, revel in the frosty paw brain freeze, never let food fallen from the table be swept away, eat so well that your poo is so tempting you want to eat it again.

Lie on the cool grass, roll in it, let it tickle you through your fur, then find the sunshine and stretch out in it until it warms your fur, then find another cool spot. Switch back and forth and watch the sun slip through the sky.

Never pass a lap without stopping by for a cuddle. Humans are bendable to create warm places to sit. To pass one by is a crime against nature.

Never, for a second, let your Mommy forget that you love her. When you look at her, make sure you look with your most loving eyes, make sure your licks are tender, and never let one of her tears go by without it being unlicked.

Never, for a second, let your Daddy forget that you love him. But when you look at him, look at him with playful eyes, make him want to throw that ball, to run with you, and make sure you give him big slobbering kisses, and keep your eyes on him, because his most important job is to take care of your Mommy, and if he isn't doing that, then pull back those lips, show those teeth, and chase him out the door.

Whatever you chase, do so with great vigor, do not let a squirrel or bunny pass by without giving it chase until you here their hearts beating in their chests. As for cats, respect them, and play with them, but never trust them.

We do not know why, that the Lord, in his wisdom, did not give us opposable thumbs, but did allow us to lick our own private parts, and, if you ask our human friends, they would pick the pleasure of licking their privates over that opposable thumbs silliness.

When you walk, smell the deep green grass, stick your nose in the weeds, burrow down in the dirt, stop and smell the roses then pee on them so everyone will know you were there.

If you live your life in such a fashion, graduates, then you shall have lived a puppy life worth living, and you can call yourself a true Tanner Bub.