Foley Monster prepares to defend the dog who ate her father's Master Tickets

After many years of toiling on small dog cases I have the chance to represent a pup in a major case. My client is Sierra. She is a gentle and sweet Swiss Mountain dog. Her Daddy, Russ Berkman, won tickets to something called The Masters. From what I understand this is a golf tournament. For those of you who don’t know golf is a hideous waste of time that takes our Daddies away from us. It’s when they go to a big, beautiful, meadow, with trees, ponds and bridges, and instead of taking us they take big metal sticks and spend all day whacking their balls. Imagine the fun we could have with them: running after the sticks or balls, rolling on the grass, lying in the sun, going poopy in those little holes, swimming in the ponds. Frankly I think this golf is some sort of temporary Zombie possession. “Must hit ball. Must hit ball.” If they aren’t playing golf they are watching it on TV . You’ve seen it. You catch a glimpse of the white ball against the blue sky and for a second you want to chase it and then you realize it’s on TV (if you have a cat in the house, you laugh at the poor kitty as it swats at the ball.)

Even worse than that is when Daddies go to watch other men hit the ball with their shafts on the nice green grass, where, needless to say, we are not allowed. I could put up with the whole thing if we were allowed to stand on the cool grass with them, but no, we might pee on their precious field, and what anarchy that would cause. This is why, all in all, pups prefer Moms. They teach us when we are young to pee on the lawn then don’t mess with us by telling us not to.

Now on to my client: Sierra. Her Daddy won tickets to go waste his time standing around watching men hit the ball in a field that is half a country away. Again, Daddies!! Traveling across the country to do something that they could see down the street. Now somehow, while Sierra was home alone, with the tickets, they got eaten, and I have been hired to prove she is not at fault.

I have a number of possible defenses:

1. Entrapment: The Daddy left the tickets behind, maybe enticing Sierra with some barbeque sauce lightly brushed on them, to get her to eat them. Once they were eaten it filled her Daddy’s need for glory. He got on the news, got interviewed, and became a minor celebrity. All it took was to trick Sierra into eating his tickets.

2. Alternate entrapment theory: Her Mommy, not wanting her Daddy to go to the golf tournament, put peanut butter on the tickets and had Sierra eat them. She expected Sierra to eat all the tickets not leaving a trace but did not use enough peanut butter. Like most Moms she takes Sierra out and she could get rid of the remaining evidence when she took her out to do her business. Unfortunately her plan failed for lack of peanut butter.

3. Sierra was acting in her Daddy’s best interests: These golf tournaments can be dangerous places. He could get hit by a flying Tiger Woods’ slice, a flying Tiger Woods’ club, or a flying Tiger Woods’ hooker. Sierra was doing what dogs do best, protecting her Dad. She should be praised instead of being chastised.

4. She was taking a stand for dogs everywhere. Men should not be allowed on nice green fields with ponds and trees without dogs. This is a clear case of discrimination. The Masters have had problems with discrimination. We are the final frontier. Let dogs into Augusta! We stand united.

Either that or I’ll claim insanity from a bad case of rabies.

From the files of Foley Monster Attorney at Paws: The Case of Uggie's Missing Oscar Nomination

I, Foley Monster, Attorney at Paw, am filing a law suit for Uggie who shall also be known as the plaintiff against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, to be called the defendant,  for discrimination for not nominating Uggie for Outstanding Actor in a Supporting Role for his performance in the best picture nominated film, The Artist because Uggie is a dog.  If you agree that Uggie deserves an Academy Award you can support him by liking his Facebook page: HERE

Many critics have maintained that Uggie is the best part of this highly acclaimed movie.  I cannot testify to this because (1) I am a dog and they don’t allow me into movie theaters (an exception to this is for seeing eye dogs, who sit on their owner’s lap and say “rut roo re’s roing rinto the ralley where the ruy’s rut the run.”)’  (2)  The movie is one of those artsy movies that only play in old theaters within walking distance of an over sized college campus; (3) It’s a silent movie and, like I’m paying money for that crap.  Uggie did have a small role in Water For Elephants but I didn’t notice him because that dreamy Robert Patterson (go Team Edward) and an olyphant were in it.

I anticipate the defendants’ answer is going to be that they don’t nominate animals in acting roles.  I would counter by saying that actor and well known creepy dude James Franco was campaigning for Andy Sedakis, who played an Ape in Origin of The Planet of the Apes to receive a nomination for his stop motion acting which was then, through the use of computers, turned into the actions of an ape.  So according to the prejudiced practices of the Academy a man playing an animal can be nominated but an animal playing an animal (or a human) cannot.  So they are not prejudiced against animals on film, just animal actors.

The lead actor in The Artist was nominated for Best Actor despite not having any dialogue,  the script was nominated for best original screenplay despite not having anything written on a page, but Uggie, who didn’t have any lines either, wasn’t nominated.   I understand that it isn’t possible for a dog to say words on film, but who is it harder to keep quiet for an hour and a half a human or a dog?  OK:  A male human or a dog?

I have had Professor Pocket do some research and we discovered that there were dogs nominated in the past but they, with use of makeup and special effects, made it seem like a human was being nominated.  Cases in point:  Cher’s Oscar win for Silkwood and Hllary Swank winning  twice.  Twice!  And Sean Penn?  Lollipop please.  

If the Academy would like to avoid this law suit we ask them to remove one of the nominees for Best Supporting Actor.  I would suggest Jonah Hill.  If you don’t recognize the name he was the fat kid in Superbad who wasn’t Michael Cera or McLovin.  We are also saving some young starlet the humiliation of having to buy a gown to match his big giant head on the runway.

It is just the Americans who discriminate against dogs.  The Cannes Film Festival awarded Uggie with the Palm Dog Award.   Those French know how to treat their dogs.  Uggie is up for a Golden Collar Award and director Martin Scorcese has asked that Blackie the Dog from his movie Hugo be nominated for a Golden Collar too.  It is a conflict of interest for me to represent Blackie (and also if he’s in a Scorcese film he is probably all mobbed up) but you can vote for him to be nominfated for  a Golden Collar Award .HERE 

Uggie has taken his snub so personally he has retired from making movies.  He does not have a statement, because he cannot talk, and spent all his time learning dancing and not typing, which is why he’s paying me, because I went to Paws Typing Class while he went to the Rin Tin Tin school of acting, and now I am his voice.  But Uggie will be heard.  I have been asked to relay to him that he is being asked to deliver the Best Supporting Actress Award.  When he does he is going to take a giant poo on the stage in response to the Academy.

Perhaps the screenwriters of The Artist are correct.  You can say more with actions than words.

Attorney Foley Monster's and Professor Pocket's Full Proof Way to Beat a Doggy DNA Test

It has come to my attention that some of your higher end condo associations have asked for a stool sample from all dogs who move into their units. They get a DNA sample from the poo, and if they find poo on their precious lawns, they send a sample of it to the lab to identify the offending pooch.

This is an attack on our inalienable right to poo. Also why is it our DNA that is being brought into question? When we are born we are just as happy to poo in the house like everyone else. But we are brought outside, against our will, to poo, and if the Lord meant for us to pick it up, he would have given us op-possible thumbs. So we have to rely on our silly, forgetful humans to clean it up, and half the time they have left the bag or scooper behind, and do likewise with our poo, leading to us having to submit to DNA testing, a violation of our personal freedom. Why don’t they get DNA testing from the humans? They must shed a hair or two fleeing the poo.

But instead it is on us, our precious bodily fluids to be kept on file and to be used for who know what purposes. So I turned to Professor Pocket and asked her what we could so to help our dog friends who could be suffering such an indignity. She spent a week in her lab and I will now let her explain her latest invention: The Anus Alias.

Hello. I am Professor Pocket Dog. Are you facing a loss of privacy because a power hungry condo board wants to have your DNA on file?. Then I have the solution for you. It is the Anus Alias. If you order an Anus Alias you will get a stool sample from a purebred dog who is not on any medications and has been thoroughly dewormed. You will get our patented Anus Alias packaging containing the clean stools, the packaging to go on your belly, and hair extensions in your color to cover the apparatus. As you know all dog DNA specialists want you to poo in front of them, so this is you’re only way to guarantee the privacy of your bodily functions.

How does it work? Simple. You are going to need a parent to buckle the Anal Anus around your waist making sure the pouch is full. Then drape the hair over you back to cover the pouch. Finally have someone snap to anal alias into place under your tail. When you go into the poo room try to walk with your tail down to cover the anal anus. Of course anyone who goes into a lab room to involuntarily surrender their poo with their tail up is one sick puppy.

Now, squat as you usually do. This will force to poo from the pouch under your stomach and up the tub and then out of your alias anus. They will gather the poo, bag and tag it, test it and then assign the DNA to you. From that point on you have the freedom to poo where ever you like and the evidence cannot be traced back to you.

Also, from that point forward, the anal alias is yours to keep. Although I would not use it for another DNA testing without a thorough cleaning, you can have fun at parties. Imagine the laughs that will erupt when someone says ‘oh my gosh, Leo just pooped a turtle.’

So, get yourself an anal alias before you anus makes you have to obtain an alias.