Pocket's Assembles a World Cup Team

I was snoozing on Mommy’s lap.  The TV was on and, as usual I was ignoring it unless Tyrion Lannister is on.  I like watching little people outsmart everyone else.  But then I heard the man say soccer.  When we lived at the condo kids used to leave soccer balls in the middle of the complex where Foley and I walked.  Daddy would kick the ball and I would run after it,  hop on top of it and roll over with it.  I loved playing soccer.  But then we moved here to the Village of the Pruned and you don’t want to jump on any low lying balls left here.

But I never lost my desire to for soccer and this seemed like a golden opportunity.  That night I waited for everyone to fall asleep, jumped out of bed, entered the front bedroom and snuck into Foley’s Leopard Skin Vagina Kitty Condo.  I went down to the library and, in an old file cabinet, I found the codes that Foley used to upload herself through the series of tubes that make the Internet.

Then I jumped back on the bed.  I waited until morning to tell River my plan.  She sleeps on the upper part of the bed near Mommy’s head and gets very snappish if I approached, and any snapping might tip Mommy off to my plan.

The next day when Mommy and Daddy went shopping I convinced River to use her skills picked up on the mean streets of mid-Florida to help us escape.  I told her that we were going to play soccer in Brazil and win the World Cup.  River asked me if she could eat kibble out of it, kibble being River’s main motivation to do everything and I said yes.  We then put the codes into the computer and off we went.

First we went to our friend Mollie the Highland Girl.  She has shared with us many stories about her love of soccer and I knew she would make a proper striker, whatever that is.  She gladly joined us and then we wooshed to farm country.  We needed some young blood on our team and the Boys, Elvis and Moo, would do the trick perfectly.  I didn’t even have to ask them.  As soon as they saw us they were ready for any adventure.

We needed some agile players so we got Taz and Einstein, then we picked up Graycee and Hondo.  We got Hattie Mae for inspiration, Lily as our team doctor, Molly the Wally and Lou ee from England where they seem to think they invented the game, Luca from Argentina, Paco from Italy, and finally, for their wisdom and management ability, Tommy Tunes and Hobo Hudson.

It took a lot of code writing but I got us all downloaded to the streets of Brazil.  River said we still didn’t have enough players for a full team but I had a plan.  We went to the Dogs of Brazil shelter and asked if any dogs wanted to play.   A dozen paws went up in the air.

So now we had our team comprised of males and females, Americans, Brazilians, Britons, Italians, and Griffons. We were lucky to not be placed in the Group of Death but Group E along with Switzerland, Honduras and France which was known as the Group of Ambiguous Sexual Identity.

Our first game was against France.  Mollie was able to get on top of the ball and ride it all the way into the net in the first five minutes while the French stood around looking for the men they were going to play.  Once France figured out that they were playing dogs our staunch defenders from the Dogs of Brazil chased and nipped them all over the field.  If a human can bite another human why can’t dogs bite humans?  The French retreated and we were victorious.

Most of our Brazil dogs were banned for the second game against Switzerland so we recruited more dogs over the Internet and added them even though it’s against the rules.  (Thankfully all dogs look alike to humans.)  Our new defenders were not as ferocious as the Dogs of Brazil and we fell behind 3-0.   River added a brilliant bit of strategy.  She peed on the ball.  The Swiss did not want to go near a piss covered ball and we came back with six scores as their goalie kept running away from our shots.

We had qualified for the round of 16 by the time we played Uganda.  The grass was very cool, and the sun strong, so we all just laid on the grass and enjoyed the day while the Ugandans scored 23 goals.  But it did not matter. We were ready for the next round.

The night before our next match we had a team meeting and decided we all missed our Moms too much so I uploaded everyone back home and let Brazil advance to the Round of 8 as long as they let the Dogs of Brazil play defense for them.  They agreed and we were all very happy.  (Until the dogs fell asleep against the Germans, but that’s another story.)

Especially the seven other teams who knew we would kick their butts!

The Tanner Brigade advances in the World Cup

In one of the greatest upsets in international sports history, a small band of dogs, known as the Tanner Brigade, have advanced to the knockout round of the World Cup where they will face the heavily favored footballers from Chile.

But being underdogs is nothing new for the Brigade. While struggling to win each of their group games they also created controversy. "They're just a bunch of wankin' dogs," England's goaltender Robert Green, still frustrated at allowing a goal to Brigade midfielder Dr. Pocket, who, according to Green, illegally peed on the ball, causing the embattled goalkeep to refuse to touch it as it crossed the goal line.

By far, the most impressive member of the Brigade team has been goalie Hurley, who learned his goal tending technique on the beaches of California chasing Frisbees. Strikers have tried to kick the ball high, low, and side to side but can not get the ball past the flying baby dog.

In their game against Slovenia the European team said they were intimidated by Brigade defenseman Matilda. "It is one thing to put a dog out there," said Slovenia's captain, "but they have a giant black bear!"

Joining Matilda on the defense is the relentless Brody who never lets a ball go by that he doesn't track down, pounce on, and runs with it in his mouth. The English manager was furious over the Brigade's use of their mouths to advance the ball but Brigade manager Foley Monster was able to convince Cup officials that there nothing in the rule book forbidding the advancing of the ball by carrying it in one's mouth.

Other teams complained about the presence of the famed Miss Hattie Mae who does little but stand in the center of the pitch and spin around in her beautiful outfits. "Another bloody distraction playing that team!" the English manager complained about the pretty Hattie.

The Brigade, using brilliant ball control, with their GSD front line of Ruger, Rocky, Honey Bear, and Erin, with one of them running with the ball and the other three nipping and the heals of the defenders are able to control the ball in the other team's zone for the greater part of the game. While officials from other countries continue to complain about the balls in the mouth ball control of the Brigade the USA has added Lady Gaga, an expert at having balls in her mouth to the team.

Many soccer experts say the Brigade has been successful because they have an international flavor with Luca from Argentina, Foxy from Hong Kong, Paco from Italy, Pintus from Mexico, Mia from Australia and Kolchak from Canada makes the Brigade able to show several different styles to confuse the opponents, who are also dumbfounded when the entire team leaves the pitch to chase the squirrels.

The leading scorers on the team Sydney, Sonic and Buddy, are all from the same Wisconsin pack, and their high flying antics have made them favorites of those who refer to futbol as the beautiful game.

So this little brigade of dogs, who were thought to be cannon fodder for the more experienced teams, have become both fan favorites with their spirited play, and favorites of the Cup experts.

Team manager Foley Monster had only one request for the South African fans. "Can you stop blowing those damn Vuvuzelas! We're dogs, we have sensitive ears. Pocket can barely hear herself pee."

With their victory over England the entire world can hear Pocket pee.