Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:  My  Mom wants to know why we bark at the fence when we go outside?  The Dog Whisperer said that dogs who run outside and bark, or bark inside the house just need more exercise.  is this true?  - Confused

Dear Confused:  Oh this Dog Whisperer guy over bakes my cookies.  I heard him say when a human moves into a new house they should take their dog for a three hour walk.  Three hours?  I guess when the only time you moved is slipping over the border with a backpack full of your dearest possession this is possible but for everyone else, like everything else he says, it’s unrealistic.

Mr. Whisperers answer to everything is more exercise when in reality, if you were playing Dog Jeopardy when “exercise” is a clue the question is “What do you do if you have a big butt?”

Pocket and I, for two little dogs, got at least one 15 minute walk a day, which is a lot of steps for tiny legs.  I barked at everything we saw during our walks, including the leaves that fell from the trees and became alive dancing and skipping across the street.  Daddy kept shushing  me, which was very rude, except when we walked by the house decorated for Halloween with the vampires, skeletons and zombies.  Daddy encouraged us to bark at the undead.

And I got home I might lie on the cool floor for a bit, or snuggle up in a chair, but if I saw a kitty or squirrel outside my window, or if I heard something that sounded like a car door shutting or a knock on the door I was up and barking like I had been napping for an hour.

What I am telling you is that you can walk the dog but you can’t walk the dog out of a dog.

And please stop listening to Mr. Whisperer.  He doesn’t understand us anymore than anyone else.  He just sounds more convincing when explaining that he does.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

Us posing in the wonderful bandannas made for us by Josie's Mom.  There are extra ones behind us.  Thank you so much our friend and for your wonderful Mom who is so generous and talented.  We love you.

Tuesday Beat This Captio

Someone is wearing a cute shirt, someone is not

Nigel is Our October 5, 2014 Pup of the Week

I had two more friends join me this past week: Duke and Lorelei.  I would love to write flowing tributes to them both, every dog who crosses the Bridge deserves flowing tributes, but I don’t know their past well enough to do them justice.  Now I promise to look after them and get to know them.

Now I have a special message to my friend Nigel:  Sorry Nigel, you are not welcome here.  (Psst, Nigel:  You are really welcome here.  You have hundreds of friends who would comfort you, teach you what to do , and enjoy your company, but, since we want you to stay with your Mom and Dad as long as possible I am pretending that we don’t want you here so you aren’t sent here.)

We became aware of the possibility of Nigel coming here earlier this week.  He spent a night with labored breathing.  His parents rushed Nigel to his vet:  Dr Mike.  Right away Dr. Mike said Nigel had heart and lung problems.  He also said it sounded like he had an extra heartbeat.  Since Nigel is so sweet we thought it possible he had two hearts but apparently this is not possible.

Dr Mike told Nigel’s parents that he had congestive heart failure which is not a good thing.  The Cardio vet said he wanted to do an echogram and an x-ray because Nigel has a larger than normal heart (which we knew, but again doesn’t seem to be a good thing.)  He also had fluid around his heart and in his lungs.  Nigel got an injection of lasix and some lasix pills.  If the fluid around his heart goes down he can be put on normal heart medication.  He needed to be kept quiet and calm for a few days. And he needed plenty of prayers too.

Those he got, by the barrell full, and we began flying them up the mountain.  But then I split our forces.  Half of us flew prayers up the mountain while the rest of us painted signs, put them on posts, and then marched at the base of the Big Guy’s mansion stating the there was no room for Nigel at The Bridge; Nigel Snores Too Loudly; Bulldogs are unfairly represented at the Bridge; Keep Nigel Out!

Of course none of us felt this way.  But we were desperate.  If we could convince the Big Guy that Nigel would cause a disruption at the Bridge maybe he would leave him on the mortal side, as long as none of us let slip that we actually loved him and would welcome him with open wings.  It was a desperate ploy, but with all the friends that have joined us recently, we had the right to be desperate.

Only the mortal side of the Bridge the drugs and the prayers, and maybe the protests, seemed to be working.  Nigel’s breathing was not as heavy and he was acting like he felt better.  There is an upcoming appointment with a cardio vet on Monday so keep those prayers coming.

And we will keep our protests going so Nigel does not come here for a long time.  (And don’t worry, the Big Guy doesn’t read my blog posts, he can’t handle a little criticism.)

When that day comes, hopefully a long, long time from now Nigel, we will all hug you and kiss you, but until then the “Keep Out Nigel” sign stays above the Bridge.

Ask Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley: Bestie, this is my question. Okay, I heard mom talking to auntie Beth (I think) She said she was living vicariously through me with my Halloween costumes. See, first time I was a Playboy bunny, then a flapper girl, then a harem girl and this year it's going to be way out there but it is cute and I do like the ears. So my question is.... what does living vicariously mean and WHY does she need ME? Come on I can take the truth. Thanks Angel Foley. Love you - Hannah Banana

Dear Bestie Hannah Banana:  What your Auntie Beth means is that your Mommy is not comfortable enough to dress up as a Playboy bunny, a flapper girl, a harem girl, and whatever out there thing with the ears she has in mind so she dresses you up in the costumes instead.

So what she is saying is that she can’t do what she wants to do so she has you do them instead.  She would like to do so many things you do but she can’t because she is afraid she would look silly. Like going outside and peeing on the lawn.  She’s been dying to do that, but can’t, so she experiences the joy through you.

Other things she would like to do is going out in the sun, taking off all her clothes, and rolling around on her back in the sun.  That’s a big one on her list but she can’t do that either.  And licking her nether regions.  She would like to do that but all she can do is watch you with envy.

This isn’t just true of your Mom.  All our parents would change places with us in a second.  No work, no responsibilities except for rules about biting and bathroom etiquette.  Sleeping when we want to sleep, having someone walk behind us and clean up our droppings.  I tell you we are living the dream.

All our parents live their lives vicariously through us.  Secretly they would love to have our lives, which is why sometimes they take us to trainers so they can pretend to control our lives to make themselves feel better.  But secretly they wish we were the ones holding the leash pulling them while they smell something stinky on the ground.

So take it as a compliment Hannah, and, if you ever feel like you want to be like your Mom, just realize she wants to trade places with you all the time.  And if there is any Freaky Friday thing that offers you the chance to switch don’t do it:  You will regret it

The Thing With Petals

The other day I got to take a little me time.  I got up in my favorite chair and I went on the human book to see what my favorite race of people had been thinking.  I was reading some posts about how comforting the thought of us pups being at Rainbow Bridge was when I came across an unfamiliar name who posted this.

“That is really such a lie.. I hated hearing that crap .. my dog is in the ground like my dad is ... maybe just maybe when the final day has come and Christ returns I will remember my beloved pets and Christ will give them life.. but please .. this Rainbow Bridge crap is such a fabrication of reality .. really ..??? Rainbow Bridge .... oh my .. please....!!!!!!!!! Sorry but let's not do the five year old's fantasy.. please !:”.

You know, when I was on Earth, I never believed there was really a New Jersey.  I mean maybe the Shore, where my friend Willie spent so much time.  But someone living in Northern Jersey?   Now that sounded like a fabrication of reality.  I mean who would live there?  But when I got to the Bridge I met Nana, and, since Grampy was still on the mortal side, she was hanging out with Frank Sinatra, and Frank told me he was from Northern Jersey and said it had to be a real place and I had to admit I was wroo...wroooo…...maybe not entirely correct.

First, I know this poster is a very religious person but I do want to point out while you are making a point about religion you probably shouldn’t use the word crap.  I was going to state that Jesus never used the word, nor referred to crap, except I did find one instant where, while wandering in the desert, he stepped in some camel dung and said “sure, I can walk on water, but this I step in.”

Secondly, being here at the Bridge, and while I am not really close to Christ, you need a great deal of paperwork to do that, I am closer than anyone on Earth, I know he is about being compassionate and never causing people pain, especially those with faith that they will see their loved ones again.  The post about Rainbow Bridge being a five year old’s fabrication was completely cruel, and the exact opposite of what Christ teaches.

Sometimes I will discreetly climb the hill to watch the humans get sworn into their part of the Bridge.  Often they are questioned about mean, hurtful things they have said or done in their life and their answer is “I did it in your name.”  At which point it is explained to them that their actions were not in His name at all. Usually the humans get quite huffy and try to explain to Him that He obviously does not know what His beliefs are.  When they are done explaining the “I am Holier Than Thou” folks are shoved in a hole and sent to the dark, hot place.

So you can believe that I, a Yorkie, passed away in June of 2013, and am now sitting at Rainbow Bridge where I am a Judge and have the job of swearing in dogs who arrive here after passing over the River of Life from the mortal side to the immortal side, typing this for dogs and humans to read, or you can believe I am in the ground (actually I am on a shelf but how am I to argue with someone who obviously knows so much?)

Archie Bunker once said “faith is something no one in their right mind would ever believe in.”  

Maybe no one in their right mind would believe you are reading the words of a Yorkie 15 months gone from your realm.  But without faith we’d stop believing that the sun will come out tomorrow, and that the flowers will bloom.

Someone wrote that hope is the things with feathers.  I don’t know what that means.  But I know what faith is:

Faith is the thing with petals.

Wordless Wednesday