Saturday, May 1, 2010

Back on the chain gang

It's May, spring is here, all the disgusting refuse of winter has been swept away and now it's time for me to do my road work. Time for me to crap thunder and piss lightning. Time for me to get in fighting shape and lose the round mound of rebound I have become.

Now Mommy decided to get us a new leash. I've been on one of those flexy things most of my life. I love those things. You can walk, and then, if you see a squirrel of mass destruction you can just tear ass off at one of them critters.

So it's time for us to go out, and Daddy gets the leash, and it's one leash, that comes to a point, and then becomes two leashes. First he hooks me to it, then he hooks Pocket to it, and he begins taking us to the door, and I realize, holy Vick, I'm on a chain gang.

Now with the flexy leash we could go our own way, and the way I went was opposite of the way Pocket went, but now I can't get more than four paws away from her and that is way too close! We go out the door, she squats to pee (I know, amazing) and she goes on my piggy toes. I look up at Daddy and say: "This is working great Dad, thanks."

Then we start walking. Anytime she wants to stop and sniff, I have to stop and sniff, and she never stops and sniffs at anything interesting. Then, when I do find something interesting, she begins pulling on the leash to move. Then she stops to take a vick, and believe me, when she vicks, you want to get as far away as possible, but I'm chained to the lollipop.

Then when I take a vick she is right behind me, giving me no privacy, ready to chow down. Hey, look lady, when you go to the McDonald's drive thru they don't let you eat the Big Mac while it's still in the microwave.

So now I live with her, I sleep with her, and I'm chained too her each time we go out. Plus she walks really fast and I have to hurry to keep up with her. The whole thing is very disconcerting. I need to go lie on Mommy's lap.

Oh look, Pocket's there. Well back up to my solitary pillows.

But do not feel sorry for me. I am getting in shape. I am losing the round mound. And then I am dragging that little bitch up and down the street like a careless child with a worn rag dog.

Vengeance is mine sayeth the Monster.

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