Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Never let the drug dealers print your Christmas Cards

I warned them, and warned them, and warned them but they would not listen to me, and today they paid the price.

Mommy and Daddy drove down the Dirty Boulevard to the hood today to get our Christmas cards from their drug dealer.  To no ones surprise but theirs the drug dealer did not have the cards.  Now I spend my nights sleepless, knowing that my photo, and Pocket's photo, are floating around the ether somewhere until someone finds it, and uses Photoshop to put our perfect faces on freshly shaven dogs.

Daddy sent Mommy into the hood to get the pictures because that's how he rolls.  He sat in the car reading his Entertainment Weekly (sorry gals, he's taken) while Mommy risked life and limb to wish everyone Happy Holidays.  Finally, after digesting a fascinating essay on both of Reese Weatherspoon's deep thoughts, Daddy realized that the sequence of slipping the drug dealer unmarked non-sequential bills and him slipping Mommy an unmarked envelope of adorable Christmas cards had taken too long.  He exited the car, grabbing Mommy's umbrella on a pretense that it had started to rain and she had not taken it with her, but truthfully he planned to go Patrick MacNee on someone's ass, and set off looking for Mommy.

He found her with a ferocious dealer,  her white hair back in a bun. wearing jeans and a vest.  Colors!  The red vest and name tag gave her away as a gang member.  The East Coast chapter of CVS employees is known to be especially viscous.  The first words the gang banger said to Daddy were:  "It's not my fault."  Wow.  Bitches respect the umbrella.  She then explained to my bad ass Dad holding the Natural Playful instrument of death that some of her fellow stoners had printed the pictures but they were missing. 

Well, what to expect from stoners?  Mommy said she was getting a discount, and the three pictures with no writing that she had bought for her children would be redone for free and she would pick them up the next day  Mommy seemed to have the situation in hand but Daddy wanted to make sure he was adequately backing her up.  So he went back to the car and read an Entertainment Weekly profile of TI.

Mommy soon came out, carrying her umbrella, with fresh dents in the handle, and hopefully enough pictures to spread some holiday cheer to our many friends.  Tonight Daddy is going to do the addresses and zip codes  on his label maker fresh from learning how TI had turned this hobby into a business while staying in the Greybar Hotel.

We sincerely hope he cards get to your house by Valentine's Day

2 comments:

  1. Don't worry about sending out cards... just keep us regaled with tall tales and sallies of wit! BOOOYAHHHH!

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  2. At least the incident made a great story! Hope you have your cards now.
    Blog hopper--Sherry, Alanis & Miro

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