Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Ask Aunt Foley featuring actual questions from actual dogsQ

As always these are actual questions from actual dogs.

Dear Aunt Foley:  Our sister Sydney has recently posed for the centerfold of a racy pup magazine.  We are a little embarrassed as we don't want to be known for living with the town pump.  And worse yet Mommy took the picture too.  It feels like we are living in a family of porno addicts and neither of us want to go into the industry. But what if Mommy forces us?
Moose and Buddy

Dear Moose and Buddy:  I have seen the pictures of your sister and I would have to classify them as soft porn  It's not like she's on the stripper pole.  I think they are simple and tasteful.  I do think you have to talk with your Mommy about your reluctance to follow your sister into the business.  The problem is you have to be careful how you sleep.If you sleep on your back there is nothing you can do if your Mommy takes a picture of your exposed gentle area.  If this does happen contact me immediately.  You are entitled to the privacy of your own gentle area.  I can switch from Aunt Foley to Foley Attorney at Paws with a swish of my tail.

Dear Aunt Foley:  My Mommy recently cut off my balls.  Well, let me clarify, she didn't have the balls to cut off my balls.  She hired a man to cut off my balls.  Why would one man cut off another man's balls?  :  Apparently this is common practice.  Some old guy named Bob, I think he's Drew Carey's Dad, is always saying off with their balls  So I have two questions.  Where the hell are my balls?  Why did I have to get my balls chopped off?  Why do other dogs let their Moms are their Mom's snip man chop off their balls?  OK that's three questions but I am very worked off.  Mommy cut off my balls.
-Fuzzy Bacon.

Dear Fuzzy:  Oh Fuzzy I must admit that a lot of it is the fault of us lollipops.  (For those who don't own a Foley to English dictionary a lollipop is a female dog, a much nicer term then the more popular b*t*h,  If we don't have our forlorn ovaries removed we seem to put out a scent with our pee that causes the same reaction as Paris Hilton in a short skirt when the fleet comes in.  This seems to drive you boys wild.  You climb upon your red rockets, fly over to our house, and then we perform what Soap Opera magazines refer to as "a romp."  Now this isn't so bad, I have read on some pay dog sites that it's actually quite fun, and a stress reliever. But another problem is us lollipops are as fertile as a Mississippi cotton field.  So there are more dogs, and then they end up in shelters, and things become very sad.  I have some suggestions to stop the practice.  If you boys are getting your balls snipped off why can't we keep our ovaries?  It's not like we can do anything with them and the worst thing that can happen is that we become impossible to live with and Daddy says that is how Mommy becomes once and month anyway.  *Pause as Foley hears the sound of her Daddy being hit in the head with a skillet.*  Also, we could do the romping, if someone could slip some protection on your rocket.  I mean brush our teeth, pick up our poo, squeeze our anal glands, wipe up our vomit, clip our nails, trim our tail hair and they draw the line at this?  But until that day comes we are all going to have to live but the human rules as snip and cut so we're not a pain in the butt.  As for where your balls go, they are used as replacement balls in skeet ball games.  True.
-Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley :  I was very excited because I was going to meet my two dog friends Sierra and Nase.  It was wonderful when the arrive.  My Mom forgot to bring her camera but that's not why I am writing.  I just want it noted that when you're older you forget things like your camera or peeing outside.  The real reason I am writing is because Sierra and Nase brought their horse.  The thing scared the screaming Vick out of me.  The only thing I know of horsies is watching Mr. Ed.  I asked the horsie a question but he did not answer.  Obviously he is an under developed horse.  Should I mention to Sierra and Nase that they may want to have their horse tested for being a little "slow." Should I assume they know that they know this sent when they left they were towing the horse in the short bus?  Or should I just mind my business.  - The Rock.

Dear Rocky:  I personally have never met one of these horsie things .  I have seen them marching by me on parade.  But I don't know if they could talk or not.  They did take the biggest vicks I have ever seen.  I wouldn't say anything to Sierra and Nase.  Either they know they have a horsie who is a couple of gallops behind the rest or they don't.  Either way, as I am sure the horsie is aware, ignorance is bliss.  Many a dog relationship has been ruined by an inappropriate comment made about a horse.  You don't want your relationship being one of them.  As for your problem with Mommy forgetting the camera I can only tell you how Pocket would handle the situation.  She would remember the drawer where the camera was kept, and,  before an important event, she would pee in front of the drawer.  While Mommy was soaking it up, she would remember the camera.  Full proof.  -Aunt Foley

Dear Aunt Foley:  I don't know if you know who the slope nosed named Justin Bieber is.  He is a shaggy haired boy who young girls go nutty over.  He started dating this girl named Selena Gomez and thousands of mean little girls began sending her nasty messages.  Now the same thing is happening to me.  Last week I went to see my friend Einstein perform at his agility show.  I want you to know, despite what they say on BarkMZ, that Einstein and I are just good friends.  I enjoyed the competition very much.  I was honored to get my picture taken with him.  Plus he smells like chicken.  But we are not dating.   Now I am getting lots of messages from jealous lollipops who worship Einstein.  I just want these messages to stop but no one will listen to me when I say there is nothing going on between us.  What should I do? -Mollie

Dear Mollie:  I understand how hard it is when dogs draw their own conclusions about relationships.  You sniff the random butt and all of a sudden you are in a life time commitment.  It is almost impossible to stop these rumors from spreading.  What you have to do is just rise above this base accusations.  As for this misunderstanding with the handsome and athletic Einstein I am sure there is nothing going on between you.  But if there is understand this:  I will cut you lollipop you understand me?   Einstein is the love of my life even he doesn't know it yet. But he will soon and no one will stand in the way of my true love for him, you hear me? No one.  Then again if there is nothing going on don't pant it, it will all work out. - Aunt Foley





3 comments:

  1. What great advice. Fuzzy Bacon sound like he should guilt his mommy into buying him some fake balls.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BOL, way to go all Single White Female there Foley. Einstein better watch out;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. As always, this is excellent advice, Foley! And, for those who may not know this, Einstein was bitten by a tick while at the agility contest and now he's having blood count problems. The dogtors will not know for many more weeks if he contracted Lyme Disease or Ehrlichiosis. I pray that my wonderful pal doesn't have either illness because they can be very difficult to treat. Love, Blazer

    ReplyDelete