Aunt Jodi, mother to our wonderful friends Kol and Fe contacted Mommy two weeks ago about the K9Kamp, a series of exercises for dog and parent. When she was contacted Mommy was sitting in the spinning recliner with Foley. Mommy has bad arthritis which was aggravated by a car crash and Foley is round bellied and lazy (when she's drunk she looks like Snooki) so they schemed to sign me, who is in Kardashian shape, and Daddy, who is in Jenner shape, for the Kamp without telling us.
Well we love Aunt Jodi, Kol and Fe, and there is nothing we wouldn't do for them. We have a wonderful, comfortable new love seat because she stole our old couch, a larcenous act but one that led to more snuggle for me so all is forgiven. So I told Daddy and he said the quick prayer he says daily: "Oh Jeeeeesus!"
Our first task was to walk for 60 minutes on Thursday. But we awoke to loud boom boom in the skies and a river of water washing over our little home. We stayed under the roof covering our walk way to do our business. We didn't go under the rumbly skies all day. But Friday was a new day.
I woke up Daddy and told him it was time for him to take me to K9-Kamp. He told me that the Kamp wasn't a place but an idea. Human logic continues to gobsmacl me. After we had breakfast Daddy put on his sneakers, his tube socks, my harness, then he took it off and put the harness on me, and we set out.
Daddy has walked around our People who smell like Prunes Village and one time around the perimeter, a word I learned watching Hogan's Heroes, was 20 minutes, so three times would be an hour. NASA, he is available. So we started out on our walk. Well, he started on his walk. I started on my sniff everything within the perimeter (thanks Colonel Hogan.)
So at the start of the walk I sniffed, and sniffed, and turned, and sniffed, and turned, and then I decided to use the K9-Kamp Golden Power of Crappo. The Golden Power of Crappo gives the holder the ability to crap in the middle of any challenge. I played mine early on in the challenge to cut down on the weight I was carrying.
Then there were the speed bumps. They were not actual speed bumps, they were impediments placed in the challenge to keep me from completing it. The first were the humans who were also walking. I, like most dogs, am absolutely breathtaking. I know when I see a human walking they are walking to come play with me. So I bark, pull on the leash, make Daddy do the arm jerk where his arm is going this way and that as he tries to control me. (This is an excellent aerobic workout for him.) About half the people stop, which cuts into our time, but what can I do? This is why the Queen of England does not run marathons. She would never be able to finish with all the well wishing she has to do.
Then there are the dogs who are walking. We bark at one another and do more arm jerking to help Daddy. We don't stop for the dogs. Daddy wants to stay on schedule. I barked at them that I am doing a challenge and would smell them tomorrow. Then there are dogs that are stuck inside. They barked their angry curses at me to get off their lawn. I barked back that I was on the road and they did not own it. The more we walked the better I felt. But the more Daddy walked the more he began to slow down and I had to drag him. Then, as I began our last trip around the prune village we had a road block.
Foley Monster. The Queen Diva herself. It was like being in the last mile of a marathon with a healthy lead and being saddled with Paris Hilton who wants to go shopping. Foley had to sniff where she wanted to sniff, bark at who she wanted to bark at, and use the golden power of crappo when she wasn't even holding the medallion.
Foley may have been able to complete the challenge ten years ago but now all that sniffing and barking takes a lot our of her. Halfway through Foley was dragging me down more than Daddy. By the last corner I was dragging Foley like I was cleaning her anal glands and Daddy like we were finishing the Iditarod.
Finally I got home and drank a bowl of water. The challenge was complete. I had conquered K9-Kamp and was champion. Then in his last words before he fell asleep Daddy told me there were more challenges to come. Oh man. I'm just a little dog. How far can I carry this old fool? I guess you will have to keep following to find out.
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