What you are about to witness is real. The cases are real. The litigants are real with cases pending in civil court. They have decided to have their case settled in our forum, the Foley Monster court in front of Judge Foley Monster. This it the Foley Monster Court.
over: This is the plaintiff, Miss Pocket Dog. She is claiming her
home was invaded by a strange pooch that had disrupted her life, played
with her toys, and pounced on her head. She is fed up with the stranger
and wants him out of her life. This is the defendant Neely Puppy. His
family left him at this strange place and he’s just trying to make the
best of it. He didn’t mean to bother Pocket but he just wants to play.
He’s a puppy and he is filled with puppy energy, And he didn’t ask to
come to Pocket’s house. She is being accused of being a unneighborly
Monster comes in wearing a robe and sits on the judge’s bench. The
Bird that she has hired as her ballif tells her the parties have been
sworn in, hands Foley a docket and tells her the case is Pocker Dog v
Monster: Now it’s my understanding that Pocket, you feel that Neely
has come into your home and disrupted your life, and Neely you feel that
you are just as much of a victim because your Mom dropped you off with
no warning and no toys. Now, Miss Pocket, you can begin.
I have been invaded. I was living happily and peacefully being the
household wild child when suddenly Neely moved in and has not only taken
over my role, and my toys, but has snapped at me and been rude to me.
Foley Monster. And what say you Neely?
Neely: Hi! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ball!
Pocket: Your honor do you see what I mean? This is what I have been having to deal with.
Foley Monster: Mr Neely can you get yourself under control?
Neely: Yes your honor. Hey look what I can do, Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark Bark.
Monster: Mr Neely if you cannot control yourself I am going to have
you removed and find for the plaintiff do you understand?
*Neely looks at her with a blank expression on his face.*
This is exactly what I mean your honor. He doesn’t know the meaning
of anything: Down, sit, come, stay. He’s just a wild, untameable
Foley Monster: But he is a guest in your house.
I know but he is playing with my things and chasing my balls. He nips
at my face when I am sitting with Mommy. He barks at me with those
giant teeth of his. When Daddy came home Tuesday I stood up and Neely
stood up and he ended up pinning me against the wall like I was a Wall
Street protester. I think he’s a bad seed
Foley Monster: All right Neely tell me your side.
I was minding my own business Saturday when Mommy and my two little
girls put me in the car. I was thinking great, car trip. But then they
brought me to this house with these two strange dogs one of whom did
nothing but bark at me. And then my Mommy and my girls leave me! Well,
I wasn’t going to sit and sulk. If Mommy goes away, a pups gotta play.
I didn’t know why they were leaving me. But your house seemed kind of
boring and I figured you needed a rush of puppy energy. So I provided
it. I was considering starting a brand new business. Puppy madness:
Bringing puppy energy into a staid home. But if you don’t appreciate
it I could pack up my kit bag and go.
Foley: I am sorry Mr. Neely but you were left at our house because your Mommy, Daddy and the girls went on vacation.
Neely: Without me?
Sorry. It’s a hard world for us dogs sometimes. But at least you got
to go to a nice house and treated like a prince. Mommy and Daddy even
bought you new chew toys.
Neely: Sorry, your honor, I thought I was supposed to be full of energy.
Pocket: Your honor he pounced on my head.
That’s not my fault your honor. I live with a boxer. I have to be
all jumpy and pouncy to get her attention. I didn’t mean to land on
your head. Sometimes I just don’t know my own pounce.
Foley Monster: Is there anything else Pocket?
Pocket: He wakes us up early in the morning with her barking.
I am not going to listen to to that. Daddy is the one who has to
take him out then he puts him back in the crate while we stay in our
Pocket: He chases my balls.
Yes, but Daddy hides your red ball so Neely doesn’t touch that and you
don ‘t care about your other balls. And when Mommy showers she puts
Neely in the bathroom with her so you have some ball time alone.
Pocket: He has messed in the house three times.
Foley: You have messed in the house twice and he’s still a puppy.
Neely: And Foley you messed in the house too.
Foley: That wasn’t a mess it was a political statement about the suffering in Darfur.
Anything else Pocket?
Pocket: I don’t like, when I am sitting in my chair, he comes up with his big giant head and barks at me.
Foley: Neely, are you going to stop doing that?
Neely: I will try your honor.
Foley: Is there anything else?
Pocket: No ma’am.
Foley: Then I am ready to make my ruling. Neely, you are guilty as charged.
Neely: But why?
Foley: Do you remember what happened Monday, in the living room, in the corner, by your crate?.
Neely; You mean when I mounted and humped you?
Foley: That is right. Nobody humps Foley in a corner. Case closed. *Foley hops off the bench and leaves the room.*
Neely: Can I appeal? Can I?
*Pocket puts a paw on Neely’s shoulder.*
Trust me Neely. I have been trying for four years but you can’t fight
City Kitty Vagina Condo. Just remember an important rule. Don’t hump
the judge, don’t hump the judge.
and Neely walk out the door together. They got on the other side of
the door, bump one another, and begin snarling and biting.