On Monday and Tuesday we watched the Dog Super Bowl, the Westminster Dog Show. Being a Yorkie, we root for our breed, and, when they are unfairly eliminated, I root for whichever member of the Toy Group defeated them.
year it was a little affenpinscher named Banana Joe. I quickly got over
my jealousy when I noticed something special about Joe. The proud way
he walked. The beautiful curve of his tail. That certain something that
said born leader, a big dog in a small dog world. In short, Banana Joe
reminded me of me.
was rooting for him in the final and when he won I was ecstatic, then
when I found out that he was a Massachusetts dog, living in a town just a
few miles from my house, I was even happier. This elation soon turned
to fear when I realized that I could be the reason Banana Joe is
stripped of his title, and he probably doesn’t know did done anything
you read my blog a few weeks ago about the different vets that we have
had? The vet before our new one I said was from North Attleboro and the
cost filled my Mom with sorrow. Money be darned not going to this vet
turned out to be a hellacious mistake. First, I must publish a
correction, because while he lives in North Attleboro, his clinic is in
Seekonk. And second, this vet, William Truesdale owns Banana Joe. So,
the same doctor who last year squeezed my anal glands also squeezes the
anal glands of the World’s Top Dog. My first thought was how cool is
then I thought about the chain of events. Banana Joe was just this
ordinary little house lap dog going nowhere special. Then there is me.
The only two things that have stopped me from winning best in show for
12 years running is my refusal to let my tail be cropped and that
someone flushed my ovaries.
if Dr Truesdale squeezed my anal glands just before I left? I wasn’t
paying attention to the sequence of events. After squeezing my glands
he got special Foley juice all over his hands. Then he went into his
office without taking off his gloves where loyal Banana waited for him.
He picked up the little Affenpinscher and without anyone knowing some
of the secret juice that makes me so awesome was secreted into Banana.
happens if they have run a blood test on Joe? Are they going to find
traces of Performance Enhancing Foley Secret Anal Juice? And if they do
are their going to strip him of his crown because of his use of PEFSAJ?
As everyone knows if you are on the juice, you’re out. So please,
Westminster humans, do not punish Joe for using PEFSAJ. He did not seek
it out and only came into contact with it because his Daddy is sloppy.
To Hobo, the Richest Dog in Town: I am asking my Daddy Minion to
squeeze my glands every day. I am sending you the juice. Florida seems
to be a place where athletes go for performance enhancement. Please
take the juice, copy it, mass produce it and we will split the profits.
Then get ready for thousands of show dogs to come sniffing to your
door. And plan to be so Rich and Famous that by next year you will be
hosting the Celerbdog Apprentice.