Ask Aunt Foley: Do zombies make good parents?

Dear Aunt Foley:  There seems to be a lot of talk about a zombie apocalypse lately.  As dogs what should we do if one occurs?  - Brody

Dear Brody:  I get this question a lot.  Humans are obsessed with zombies, and they are obsessed with getting Ebola making their greatest fear zombies who have Ebola.

Symptoms of having Ebola include having diarrhea which means every person who goes through a Taco Bell drive thru should be quarantined for a month.  Regardless Ebola Zombies is a real fear, or at least it will be when I drop into Wolf Blitzer’s dreams and whisper it to him.  Then we will be one CNN graphic artists’ work from having a full  blown pandemic.

No one wants to be bitten by the undead but a zombie with diarrhea is the perfect storm of terror  Sure The Walking Dead can do a big scene of zombies feeding on people while they are on fire but let’s see them to a scene with zombies feeding on people with Ebola laced explosive diarrhea.  “Hey Rick, why don’t you sneak up behind that walker and slam a screwdriver into the back of his head?” “I think I’m going to let you handle this with you bow and arrow from ten feet away Darryl.”

Oh dear I have strayed off topic.  Your question was about regular zombies.  The first thing you should do is run, run like the wind!  Then quietly come back to them, sidle up next to them, and see if there is enough human feelings left in the zombie to recognize you.  You will know this within ten seconds because that is the amount of time it will take them to eat you.

If they don’t eat you then you are in for a pretty sweet deal.  Zombies walk around all the time, we love to walk, so that’s a win win.  Zombies do have have food aggression issues, but they don’t care if you pick up a spare shin bone and gnaw on it.  Also zombies don’t get upset if you poop on their lawn, since it is usually covered with brains.

On the downside there is never a warm lap, we are going to have to go back to hunting for food, and when they pet your fur most of their hand comes off on you.

So you are much better off with your Mom, might be OK with a zombie Mom, but if you get a zombie Ebola Mom you’re screwed.