Foley Reports About the First Time Dog and Men Came Together

There have been two constants since man and dog first bonded. One is for the love they share.  The other is poop.

Poop first brought man and dog together.  The initial moment that a man partnered with a dog was in the Neanderthal age.  Things were not very hygienic then. If a man had to poop, he did. This particular man, Robert, lived next door to someone who became angry when Robert pooped on his lawn.  "Wild animals poop on your lawn all the time," Robert said, defending himself.

"It's different when it's a wild animal," the neighbor said. "They don't know better."

Robert thought this was rather discriminatory.  He went to see Phil, his Neanderthal lawyer. Robert wanted Phil to file a rock, stating that the freedom to poop was his birthright.  Philip rejected his request. First, because filling meant drawing the action on a rock, then throwing it at the defendant's head. If you hit the defendant in the head, you won.  If you missed you lost. If you hit him in the balls, it was a hung jury. Phil gave Robert a list of reasons why he would not hurl a rock, without letting on the true reason. He had been gored in the shoulder by an angry moose and couldn't throw a rock five feet. 

Robert was despondent. What he didn't share, even with his lawyer, was that he had a sensitive bowel. Such an admission could lead to him being banned from the tribe and made to live in the hinterlands. He had no more control over his bowels then he did of his wife, who went out every night to the swamp to ride the hippo. 

The truth was that the world was becoming a more civilized place.  People were no longer pooping on lawns. They were pooping in the middle of the street.  When the need to go hit Robert, he didn't have time to cross the road he just pooped.  

Robert sat, looking at the sunset lamenting his fate.  A wolf joined him and asked what was wrong. Robert understood the wolf.  It was not that wolves were smarter; then, people understood their barks because it was close to how humans spoke.

Robert told him about his poop situation.  The wolf, Larry, suggested that they travel together.  Whenever Robert had to poop, Larry would squat next to him and poop too.  If an angry cave owner came out, Robert could tell the property owner that Larry was the pooper, and it was alright because animals had full pooping privileges.

Robert was intrigued by the idea.  He and Larry walked by the cantankerous neighbor's house.  Robert did his business on the lawn, and Larry squatted in back of him doing the same on top of Larry's.   When the neighbor came outside to complain, Robert said the offending poop came from Larry. The man looked at the wolf.  “Well, if it's the wolf's," he said sheepishly and went inside. 

Robert bragged to his incontinent friends about the successful endeavor, and soon, other humans were discarding the loin diaper and getting a dog.  These partnerships spread across the land until dogs and men became inseparable. 


So, the next time you encounter a nasty neighbor who does not want a dog popping in his lawn, thank him. It is because of his ancestors that man and dog came together.