The First Graduate of Foley U Gets a Job at a State's Attorney's Office

Last year, when I started my university, Foley U, everyone scoffed. The idea of a college that taught the law was just for dogs and cats, and could only be accessed while dreaming, was called foolish. I was told that even if dogs applied to attend when they got their degrees, they would never get jobs because law firms did not hire dogs.   But I have always been a little pup with dreams big.

More than two dozen students enrolled at my University.  While I never promised them a job after graduation, they were thrilled to study law. They, like me, were excited about being a dog attorney and representing our fellow canines 

 When the students graduated, they opened private practices to great success. But we all shared the same dream. Every member of the Fighting  Monsters from Foley U yearned to be part of a human law firm. For this, we were mocked. Everyone knows dogs can't work at a law firm.

My best student was a chocolate lab named Hatty. During mock dog court, he left the other students in the dust.  We all predicted great things for this legal genius, but none of us anticipated how high he would rise. 

I am delighted to report that last week, Hatty proved everyone wrong. He was sworn in by the Chicago State Attorney's office as their new litigator.    I could not be prouder. 
Hatty will be working 9-5 Monday through Friday with a few pee breaks and bone time threw in between. He has been assigned 200 new clients, which is a testament to how highly his new bosses think of him. He will specialize in cases involving victims of assault.  They want him to do what he does best: to be funny, kind, sweet and give lots of kisses. 

They had tried humans in his position, but they were not attentive enough to their clients.  Humans are easily distracted by their phones. Dogs have laser focus attention. Hatty's supervisors only have to keep their squirrel clients in another room, and nothing will distract Hatty from his duty.

While emotional support is a worthy duty, I am sure the DA will soon be seeking Hatty's advice in a number of different areas.  Dogs have a unique perspective on humans that will prove invaluable. We are also excellent lie detectors. People can hide a lot of things but not the smell that comes from their butts when they lie. One sniff and we can deduce if a person is telling the truth.  During colonial times, dogs thrived in this role. They were called in to sniff the butts of spies to see if they were truthful. If we shook our heads, someone was swinging. George Washington said we were his most reliable soldiers. Spies knew their butts could betray them.   It is where the phrase "cover your ass" originated. 

When the winning percentage for the Chicago State Attorney's office rises, all law firms will want to hire dogs. Because of my university, they will be plenty of qualified candidates.  And we need more. If you are a mortal dog, or cat, as we expand our horizons looking for an exciting career in the justice field, then apply to Foley U now.

You do not want to be left behind during the accession of the dog attorneys. The law will never be the same.