The Ruby Rose Report. Club Humpers

 I. am a night dog. When the covers are turned down it is my time to play. When I am done I lie in the bed, in the fugue state we dogs slip it, not really awake, and not sleeping.

It is a peaceful, easy feeling.

But, that peacefulness is interrupted by the most consistent noise that rips apart the night.

Rude downstairs neighbors.

I thought it was bad down there when the cats were inhabiting the crawl space, but then Peter Possum took over the lease, and it has been non-stop problems since then.

One night around 2:00 AM I heard a scraping sound under the house. I was sure Peter had killed someone and was hiding him under the sink. I jumped down from the warm bed, walked over to the large living room grate and softly barked down askling Peter what he was doing.

‘’Just some remodeling,’’  Peter explained. I told him it sounded like he was dragging a body. ‘

“Don’t be silly,” Peter aid. “I bury the bodies in the back of the shed.”

I wasn’t rolling in the grass there. I continued to press the possum on what he was doing down there. 

“If you must know, I am building a homeless shelter for feral animals. During the night there are cats, chipmunks, and an alcoholic groundhog who stumbles in here. Right now, we all sleep together with no privacy. It's not natural, do I build walls so I, the cats, and whoever may slink in during the night can be on their own and have privacy.”

I asked why they needed privacy.

“We are all feral, none of us have been fixed, and there is nothing to do all night, plus we have to keep warm. I have some beds with purple silk sheets with a matching comforter. There are purple curtains separating the rooms.”

I told him it sounded like a whore house.

“Not a whore house, it's the hottest club in town, called Fur Humpers. It will have everything: Silk sheets, crushed oysters, the first person off of Deal or No Deal Island, a mouse strip show, one of the lesser Kardasians, Stephen Miller on a leash, P-Diddy’s caterers, three flight attendants from Jeffrey Espteins’ plane, 1,764,216 recently laid off federal workers, and DOGE DEI hire Big Balls.”

I don’t know how he is going to fit everything under there but he is an enterprising little rodent. 

At least I am used to being up all night,