Friday, April 8, 2011

I am being violated every night by Foley Monster

Among my many humiliations on this earth none have been worse than the recent forced teeth brushing that has been inflicted upon me.  Starting on Saturday, at the most unsuspecting moments, Daddy grabs me, sits on me, and violates me.  Now I know how Scott Brown felt.

I should point out that he doesn't actually sit on me.  What he does is shove me between his legs and presses them together with his weight down on me.  Upon reading this back I agree the giant pervert should be arrested.

Then he forces my mouth open.  Then he takes out a brush, sticks it in my mouth and begins to stroke this thing across my teeth and gums while I struggle to get free, sneeze, sniff and gasp in desperation.

He says that it was for my own good (that's what they always  say, even on the witness stand.)  He says he has to do it because of my tar-tars.  Sicko.  (He claims I have tar-tars on my teeth.  I would really like to join the DA"s office to nail this bastard.)

He also does it to Pocket.  But he does it to me first,  I am happy he does it to me first.  I don't want to get the sloppy second brushing.  Pocket doesn't like it either but she's too young and innocent to know how she is being violated.

Now the humans, they think that we are so stupid, that all they have to do is flavor the tooth paste with chicken and we're going to fall in love with it.  You know who else likes chicken?  Humans.  If chicken tooth paste was such a great idea why don't humans have it?  "Honey, I can't stop brushing me teeth, this Duck La'Orange tooth paste is to die for.")    Believe me, putting a dead bird on the brush doesn't make it any more tempting.

Because we have teeny tiny mouths Mommy went to Oz to get a tooth brush from the Munchkin Dentistry.  There is a little pick at the end of the teeny tiny toothbrush. Daddy gets his Dr. Szell on and tries to pick away at my plaque.  I fight him and fight him on this, but I shouldn't.  I should just let him chip off the plaque and make my teeth nice and sharp.  Then I'll bite his hand off.  They say you can't bit the hand that feeds you but no one said you can't bite the hand that brushes you.

I say we rise up as a group and say no more tooth brushing.  Turtles live for like a million years and they don't brush their teeth.  And neither do Londoners and the Queen is 102.

If the government can be shut down by about 600 dumb people in Washington then 200 smart dogs can shut down tooth brushing.   United we stand, divided we floss. 

Who is with me?


  1. It's a good thing I read blogs and censor them before my dogs can read them. While I find this amusing, there is no way you are going to lead my dogs into insurrection.

    So sue me.

  2. This is by far thee most perverted story I have ever read and if you don't call the coppers, then I will. Where in heck is your "Mommy Dearest" through all this? Is she tapping her wire hangers together with glee? Oh, the shame of it all. I'm just afraid my mom will get ahold of this story and start her own creepy torture schemes. This is terrifying. Love, Blazer

  3. You're too late, Jan! Most of the doggies read these long before the humans do and no matter how small we may be, we can and will overcome this treachery!

  4. OhmiDog! It's spreading. Mama's been doing this to us for YEARS. It's twisted isn't it? I dunno what these sickos are playing at , but I am with you. DOWN WITH THE TOOTHBRUSH! VIVÉ LA RESISTANCE!

  5. Momma has a finger thingie she puts on before violating my mouth with it... vile habit. I thought I was alone in my shame....

  6. I think it would be pertinent to stay permanently under that table. I'm in on uprising too. Viva the revolution. No more of this cruelty!