Ask Aunt Foley: Cat Infestation

Dear Aunt Foley:  I have had a recent infestation of cat in my house and yard.  The infestation spread from a neighboring home  The spreading began when for some inexplicable reason my Mom called the cat over to our house.  I do not know why my Mommy would do this.  She does not leave out plates of rotted food to attract rats or leave crumbs on the counter to attract cockroaches.  But she does not see this cat for what it is, an infestation that needs to be removed before it takes over the entire house.  I have tried all the accepted methods.  I give him an evil look and he just stares at me.  My sibling gave him a hearty bark no avail.  All remedies known to dogs have failed.  Can you help me?
A Ginger in Revolt

Dear Ginger:  As is often the case in infestation cases the problem is not with the infestation but with the actions of the homeowner.  Like someone with a vermin infestation who does not clean their house, your Mommy does not take steps to keep her house from being infested by cats.  Tell her that there are two important defensive steps a Mom can take to keep her house kitty free.  Firs is, under no circumstance, to either adopt or buy a cat.  Your Mom is doing a good job with this one.  The second is not to invite a cat into the yard.  She is failing on this step.  The other day Pocket and I were in our yard supervising our parents’ yard work when a kitty ran right across our yard not once but twice!  While Pocket and I barked at it like you and your sibling did, the difference was neither Mommy or Daddy paid the cat any never mind and it kept going right out of our yard.  So tell your Mommy unless she wants a kitty infestation she better stop inviting them (and vampires but that’s a whole different story) into her home.  Because once you got them you can’t get rid of them.

Dear Aunt Foley:  I live in Louisiana and we don’t have any dog parks here.  I would really like one but my Mom isn’t sure if she would take me to one if we had one.  How do I get a dog park and get my Mom to go.?
An Alpha in Need.

Dear Alpha:  What is a dog park but a place where dogs gather?  If Louisiana will not give you dog park than you should form one on your own.  This is my suggestion to you.  I am sure you go for walks and when you do you urinate.  Well us dogs, being an advanced species don’t just pee, we leave messages in our pee.  Then, when another dog comes along, it smells our pee and gets our message.  It is commonly referred to as tree mail.  When you pee out your tree mail set a date, a time, and a place to meet.  On that day, while you are walking, pull your human to that place.  When you get there you should find dozens of other dogs there.  Keep doing that everyday and soon your humans will decide that, since you are all meeting there anyway, they might as well fence it in, let you run loose and everyone can enjoy themselves.  So start peeing and soon you will be playing.

Dear Aunt Foley:  The other day I went with my human brother to help cut the lawn at our Granddad’s house.  I made sure he did all the mowing correctly.  Then when he was done I went and fertilized it for him.  And he got all upset with me.  Why do humans get mad when they mow a lawn and then you take a dump on it?
Confused Cocoa Puff.

Dear Cocoa Puff:  Oh that is one of the least likeable traits about humans.  When they do something they not only think that it’s perfect but they think it is going to stay perfect forever.  It’s the same thing if they washed the floor and then you walk on it with muddy paw prints and they are like ‘Hey I just washed that!”  Well what difference does it make?  You’re going to have to clean it anyway.  But it wasn’t like your human brother had to mow the lawn again.  And there is no better time to fertilize than when the grass is short.  Plus it is much better to vick on a freshly mowed lawn.  When you squat over it it tickles your butt  Tall grass, especially when wet, is no good.  And, if you had taken a vick on a mowed lawn or unmowed lawn he still would have had to clean it.  So just chalk it up to one of those strange mysteries about humans we will never understand and forgive him.  Hopefully he will learn better when he gets older.

Dear Aunt Foley:  Humans often ask each other the question boxers or briefs?
For us dogs the question is halter or collar.  I have always been a collar dog myself but when I went shopping with Mommy recently she started trying harnesses on me.
I was really annoyed but she wouldn’t stop doing it and since we were in the store I couldn’t raise a fuss without getting in trouble and thrown out of my biggest source for kibble.  Finally Mommy picked out a harness and put it on me.  While it is very handsome and makes me even more stunning than I was before I just can’t get used to it.  I am used to going bareback and not having my tummy strapped in.  Frankly this thing is driving me crazy.  Mom says she got it for me because I am going on a fishing trip in Wisconsin, can’t go off leash, and I cough when I am wearing the collar, which is true.  What do you think, should I wear the halter?
Befuddled Boris

Dear Befuddled Boris:  Like you I was a collar dog for years.  But also like you it led to me pulling and then coughing.  But whenever Mom put a harness on me I bucked or refused to move.  But then they found these nice soft harnesses and I have really taken to it (although the sound of velcro being ripped open below me still scares me because it sounds like someone ripping my guts out.)  I have seen a picture of your harness and it looks like a perfect nice one.  My advice is to wear it and soon it will feel natural to you and you will enjoy not being choked when you walk.  So harness up.