Last Friday we were having a bad thunderstorm. It occurred during one of my scheduled pee times so I had to go out in it, and sister, I got soaked. I came in, Daddy dried me off, and we looked out the window. The rain was coming down hard but then it started to move towards the south, like computer screens with a rain screen saver on a conveyor belt.
the rain picked up, and the wind really started to blow. Then the
power went out. My stupid parents were more worried about not eating
supper or having air conditioning while my ears and keen sense of
barometric pressure tipped me off that something bad was about to
happen. Before it could I did what all brave dogs do. I got in my
leopard skin vagina kitty condo, battened down the hatches, and took a
I work up my condo was flying through the air. Then it landed in this
strange land with beautiful flowers and the greenest grass. I climbed
out of the condo and took a look around. Suddenly, from out of nowhere
chihuahuas began to appear. They looked under my condo and saw New
my gosh,” one of the chihuahuas said, “you killed Prince Levi.” The
chihuahuas began dancing around singing “Ding Dong Prince Levis been
wrecked just when he installed spell check.”
did not mean to kill anyone, I just wanted to sleep through the storm.
Then a little Yorkie flew through the air and landed at my feet. She
told me she was the Princess and she would make me pay for what I had
done to Levi. She noticed he was still holding the ruby dog collar in
his hand and went to grab it.
as suddenly Hattie Mae appeared in a bubble. I asked her what she was
doing traveling in a bubble and she said he just got her nails done and
did not want to scratch them on the ground. She was also a bit of a
germaphobe She was living in a bubble, boy. She then waved her magic
tail and the ruby collar flew off of Levi and went to me. The Princess
yelled that the collar belonged to her. But Hattie told her that her
magic did not work in Chihuahua land. The angry Princess turned to me
and told me that she would get me and my little dog too.
little dog?” I asked. That’s when I saw Pocket stumble out of my kitty
condo. Oh man, a stowaway. “Hey, you want her, take her,” I said
while Pocket licked her paws. But the Princess disappeared in a cloud
“Pocket what are you doing here?” I asked.
“I was afraid and climbed in the condo when the storm picked up,” she said.
“Well this is great, now we are both stuck here.” I looked at Hattie and asked her how we got home.
“You have to go to Oz and see the Wizard. Just follow the brick road,” Hattie said.
“Just follow the brick road,” the chihuahuas said.
Then they all went “eeeeeewwwwww.” I turned to see Pocket peeing on the road,
Hattie sighed, then perked up and smiled. “Follow the yellow brick road,” Hattie said.
“Follow the yellow brick road,” the chihuahuas said.
So Pocket and I followed the yellow brick road.
little ways down we came to a dog overlooking a garden. I went over
and sniffed him. “Hobo!” I yelled giving him a big hug. “What are you
doing here?” I asked him.
have been working overseeing my garden for so long I have turned into a
scarecrow,” he said. “And not only that I don’t have a brain because
if I had a brain it would not have taken me this long to hook up with
told him I was sure he had a brain and, if he didn’t, he could go with
us along the Yellow Brick Road to see the Wizard. He said he would be
happy to go with us and we continued down the road.
we came to a dog standing very still. I sniffed him and realized it
was Smartie. Smartie said he was getting old and couldn’t move anymore.
He said he thought he would be young again if he got a new heart.
Hobo, Pocket and I convinced him to follow us to Oz.
we were walking along minding our own business we got chased by a Chow.
I turned and I saw that it was our good friend Leo. When he turned he
ran and hid in the woods. We coaxed him out and asked him why he was
scared. He said all the thunderstorms were bothering him and he had
lost his courage.
told him the wizard could give him courage and we all headed off to see
the Wizard. We reached the Emerald City of Oz and were allowed to see
we arrived we were ushered into a room where we were met by the
terrifying site of a giant Great Dane head. He said he was the great
and powerful Wizard and if we wanted to get back home we were going to
have to bring him Princess’ bowl of eternal bacon treats. He warned us
that no one had been able to get close enough to Princess to steal the
bowl of eternal bacon treats, and many of those he sent forth never
“That’s OK,” Pocket said. “Can you just let us stay here, maybe a warm blanket and some kibble?”
the Great Big Giant Head barked. “You must either bring me the bowl of
eternal bacon treats or you will be banished to the field of poppies
pulled out his eye phone and quickly calculated that, even if we sold
the poppies, it would not pay for the tick medication, so we were stuck
with hunting for the bowl of eternal bacon treats.
headed towards the Princess’ castle when we heard a terrible
screeching. Smartie looked up in the sky and said “now there’s
something you don’t see everyday,” as an army of flying monkeys dressed
as bellhops descended on us and plucked me and Pocket from the ground.
We were brought into the Princess’ castle where the Princess threatened
to drown Pocket if I didn’t give her back the ruby collar. I let them
hold Pocket under water until she got clean because she was getting kind
of rank, but then I agreed to remove the collar.
But the darn buckle was stuck and I couldn’t take it off.
enchanted buckle.” the Princess said. “I think the only way to get the
buckle off is to remove your head,” she said to me. She did not listen
to me about using a nice pair of Laser Scissors. I yelled at Pocket to
get help and she returned a quizzical expression. I looked down, found
a monkey ball, and threw it out the window. Pocket followed. I could
only hope in searching for the ball she would find our companions and
they would come save me.
Smartie and Leo found Pocket running down the monkey ball. Once they
retrieved the ball from behind a silver tree she told them that I was in
great danger. Hobo saw the guards at the castle gate and he said they
could disguise themselves as the guards and sneak into the castle. Leo
said he would distract the guards.
ran up to them and stood on his back legs howling. When he did Smartie
ran up behind them and knocked out their legs. Then the three of them
with Pocket put on the guards’ uniforms and came to rescue me who had
yet to be killed by the Princess for one of those vague reasons used by
authors to keep the heroine alive and the story going. They found me
being prodded off a board that was leading to a tank of sharks: With
charged at her and the Princess turned and sprayed him with a bottle of
water. Well we know how much dogs hate to be sprayed with water and my
friends retreated. But Pocket found a bowl on the ground and threw it
konking Princess on the head and she fell backwards into the pool. She
quickly climbed out of it escaping the sharks.
a laser blast got her and she dissolved into a puddle. I swear I will
never mock sharks with lasers again. I looked at the bowl that Pocket
threw and realized it was the eternal bowl of bacon treats. The bell
hop monkeys, now freed from slavery, picked us up and carried us back to
the Wizard’s castle.
brought the bowl of eternal bacon treats to the Wizard but we were
stunned when he told us that we had not brought it to us in time and we
would be rewarded nothing. While we quibbled Pocket ran to a curtain
and pulled it down to reveal Tommy Tunes pulling levers and turning
“Pay no attention to that dog behind the curtain!” the Big Giant Head said.
“Tommy,” I barked, “get over here, what are you doing?”
sighed and came over to us. “I am sorry, Dad was trying to take a
picture of me so I took off in a balloon and I ended up here. But you
don’t need help from me. Hobo you showed how smart you were by figuring
out you couldn’t make money living in the poppy field. And Smartie you
showed that you still have a young heart by taking out the legs of all
those guards. And Leo, you showed courage by standing up to the guards,
so you didn’t need me to give you anything that you didn’t, didn’t
already have. And Foley, let’s go over to my balloon and I will take
you and Pocket home.”
went out the back door and Pocket and I got into the balloon with
Tommy. Just before we took off Tommy looked down and said “darn, Freddy
Girl left a ball in here,” and threw it out of the balloon. Pocket saw
it and took off after it and being responsible for her I had to take
off after her. When I caught up to her Tommy was already high in the
sky with diamonds and I snapped at Pocket that we would never get home.
Then Hattie came rolling up in her ball.
“Hattie did you come here to help us get home?” I asked.
that, and the fleets in.” Hattie said. “But don’t fret Foley, you have
always been able to get home, all you have to do is click your paws
together and say there is no place like home, there is no place like
“Really?” I asked. “You couldn’t have told me that after my condo landed on Levi?”
“Well if characters went around doing that at the beginning you couldn’t get a decent story off the ground Foley!” Hattie said.
didn’t have time to argue. I held Pocket’s front paw and with our back
paws we clicked them together and said “There’s no place like home,
there’s no place like home.”
The next thing I knew I woke up with Pocket on Mommy’s lap.
now I’m looking at my friends on the Internet and saying to Hobo, Leo,
Smartie, and Tommy you were there, and you were there, and you were
there too. And they are telling me to lay off the Ambien.
But I will never forget, there is no place like home.