Foley and Pocket in the Land of Oz

Last Friday we were having a bad thunderstorm.  It occurred during one of my scheduled pee times so I had to go out in it, and sister, I got soaked.  I came in, Daddy dried me off, and we looked out the window.  The rain was coming down hard but then it started to move towards the south, like computer screens with a rain screen saver on a conveyor belt.

Then the rain picked up, and the wind really started to blow.  Then the power went out.  My stupid parents were more worried about not eating supper or having air conditioning while my ears and keen sense of barometric pressure tipped me off that something bad was about to happen.  Before it could I did what all brave dogs do.  I got in my leopard skin vagina kitty condo, battened down the hatches, and took a nap.

When I work up my condo was flying through the air.  Then it landed in this strange land with beautiful flowers and the greenest grass.  I climbed out of the condo and took a look around.  Suddenly, from out of nowhere chihuahuas began to appear.  They looked under my condo and saw New Balance sneakers.

“Oh my gosh,” one of the chihuahuas said, “you killed Prince Levi.”  The chihuahuas began dancing around singing “Ding Dong Prince Levis been wrecked just when he installed spell check.”

I did not mean to kill anyone, I just wanted to sleep through the storm.  Then a little Yorkie flew through the air and landed at my feet.  She told me she was the Princess and she would make me pay for what I had done to Levi.  She noticed he was still holding the ruby dog collar in his hand and went to grab it.

Just as suddenly Hattie Mae appeared in a bubble.  I asked her what she was doing traveling in a bubble and she said he just got her nails done and did not want to scratch them on the ground.  She was also a bit of a germaphobe  She was living in a bubble, boy.  She then waved her magic tail and the ruby collar flew off of Levi and went to me.  The Princess yelled that the collar belonged to her.  But Hattie told her that her magic did not work in Chihuahua land.  The angry Princess turned to me and told me that she would get me and my little dog too.

“What little dog?” I asked.  That’s when I saw Pocket stumble out of my kitty condo.  Oh man, a stowaway.  “Hey, you want her, take her,” I said while Pocket licked her paws.  But the Princess disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

“Pocket what are you doing here?” I asked.

“I was afraid and climbed in the condo when the storm picked up,” she said.

“Well this is great, now we are both stuck here.”  I looked at Hattie and asked her how we got home.

“You have to go to Oz and see the Wizard.  Just follow the brick road,” Hattie said.

“Just follow the brick road,” the chihuahuas said.

Then they all went “eeeeeewwwwww.”  I turned to see Pocket peeing on the road,

Hattie sighed, then perked  up and smiled.  “Follow the yellow brick road,” Hattie said.

“Follow the yellow brick road,” the chihuahuas said.

So Pocket and I followed the yellow brick road.

A little ways down we came to a dog overlooking a garden.  I went over and sniffed him.  “Hobo!” I yelled giving him a big hug.  “What are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I have been working overseeing my garden for so long I have turned into a scarecrow,” he said.  “And not only that I don’t have a brain because if I had a brain it would not have taken me this long to hook up with Lily.”

I told him I was sure he had a brain and, if he didn’t, he could go with us along the Yellow Brick Road to see the Wizard.  He said he would be happy to go with us and we continued down the road.

Then we came to a dog standing very still.  I sniffed him and realized it was Smartie.  Smartie said he was getting old and couldn’t move anymore.  He said he thought he would be young again if he got a new heart.  Hobo, Pocket and I convinced him to follow us to Oz.

As we were walking along minding our own business we got chased by a Chow.  I turned and I saw that it was our good friend Leo.  When he turned he ran and hid in the woods.  We coaxed him out and asked him why he was scared.  He said all the thunderstorms were bothering him and he had lost his courage.

I told him the wizard could give him courage and we all headed off to see the Wizard.   We reached the Emerald City of Oz and were allowed to see him.

When we arrived we were ushered into a room where we were met by the terrifying site of a giant Great Dane head.  He said he was the great and powerful Wizard and if we wanted to get back home we were going to have to bring him Princess’ bowl of eternal bacon treats.  He warned us that no one had been able to get close enough to Princess to steal the bowl of eternal bacon treats, and many of those he sent forth never returned.

“That’s OK,” Pocket said.  “Can you just let us stay here, maybe a warm blanket and some kibble?”

“No,” the Great Big Giant Head barked.  “You must either bring me the bowl of eternal bacon treats or you will be banished to the field of poppies and ticks.”

Hobo pulled out his eye phone and quickly calculated that, even if we sold the poppies, it would not pay for the tick medication, so we were stuck with hunting for the bowl of eternal bacon treats.  


We headed towards the Princess’ castle when we heard a terrible screeching.    Smartie looked up in the sky and said “now there’s something you don’t see everyday,” as an army of flying monkeys dressed as bellhops descended on us and plucked me and Pocket from the ground.  We were brought into the Princess’ castle where the Princess threatened to drown Pocket if I didn’t give her back the ruby collar.  I let them hold Pocket under water until she got clean because she was getting kind of rank, but then I agreed to remove the collar.

But the darn buckle was stuck and I couldn’t take it off.

“Damn enchanted buckle.” the Princess said.  “I think the only way to get the buckle off is to remove your head,” she said to me.  She did not listen to me about using a nice pair of Laser Scissors.  I yelled at Pocket to get help and she returned a quizzical expression.  I looked down, found a monkey ball, and threw it out the window.  Pocket followed.  I could only hope in searching for the ball she would find our companions and they would come save me.

Hobo, Smartie and Leo found Pocket running down the monkey ball.  Once they retrieved the ball from behind a silver tree she told them that I was in great danger.  Hobo saw the guards at the castle gate and he said they could disguise themselves as the guards and sneak into the castle.  Leo said he would distract the guards.

He ran up to them and stood on his back legs howling.  When he did Smartie ran up behind them and knocked out their legs.  Then the three of them with Pocket put on the guards’ uniforms and came to rescue me who had yet to be killed by the Princess for one of those vague reasons used by authors to keep the heroine alive and the story going.  They found me being prodded off a board that was leading to a tank of sharks:  With lasers!

Hobo charged at her and the Princess turned and sprayed him with a bottle of water.  Well we know how much dogs hate to be sprayed with water and my friends retreated.  But Pocket found a bowl on the ground and threw it konking Princess on the head and she fell backwards into the pool.  She quickly climbed out of it escaping the sharks.

But a laser blast got her and she dissolved into a puddle.  I swear I will never mock sharks with lasers again.  I looked at the bowl that Pocket threw and realized it was the eternal bowl of bacon treats.  The bell hop monkeys, now freed from slavery, picked us up and carried us back to the Wizard’s castle.

We brought the bowl of eternal bacon treats to the Wizard but we were stunned when he told us that we had not brought it to us in time and we would be rewarded nothing.  While we quibbled Pocket ran to a curtain and pulled it down to reveal Tommy Tunes pulling levers and turning knobs.

“Pay no attention to that dog behind the curtain!” the Big Giant Head said.

“Tommy,” I barked, “get over here, what are you doing?”

Tommy sighed and came over to us.  “I am sorry, Dad was trying to take a picture of me so I took off in a balloon and I ended up here.  But you don’t need help from me.  Hobo you showed how smart you were by figuring out you couldn’t make money living in the poppy field.  And Smartie you showed that you still have a young heart by taking out the legs of all those guards.  And Leo, you showed courage by standing up to the guards, so you didn’t need me to give you anything that you didn’t, didn’t already have.  And Foley, let’s go over to my balloon and I will take you and Pocket home.”

We went out the back door and Pocket and I got into the balloon with Tommy.  Just before we took off Tommy looked down and said “darn, Freddy Girl left a ball in here,” and threw it out of the balloon.  Pocket saw it and took off after it and being responsible for her I had to take off after her.  When I caught up to her Tommy was already high in the sky with diamonds and I snapped at Pocket that we would never get home.

Then Hattie came rolling up in her ball.

“Hattie did you come here to help us get home?” I asked.

“Well, that, and the fleets in.” Hattie said.  “But don’t fret Foley, you have always been able to get home, all you have to do is click your paws together and say there is no place like home, there is no place like home.”

“Really?” I asked.  “You couldn’t have told me that after my condo landed on Levi?”

“Well if characters went around doing that at the beginning you couldn’t get a decent story off the ground Foley!” Hattie said.

I didn’t have time to argue.  I held Pocket’s front paw and with our back paws we clicked them together and said “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.”

The next thing I knew I woke up with Pocket on Mommy’s lap.

And now I’m looking at my friends on the Internet and saying to Hobo, Leo, Smartie, and Tommy you were there, and you were there, and you were there too.  And they are telling me to lay off the Ambien.

But I will never forget, there is no place like home.